I don't really have an adjective to describe today, or my current mood, or anything.
It's kind of like I'm just here and I don't know how to describe it.
Probably from too much caffeine last night and I had trouble falling asleep.
I'm exhausted and I learned my lesson.
First of all, no caffeine (including diet sweet tea and diet coke) in the evening or before bed
Second, no texting random people back who text you in the middle of the night.
I did get to hang out with my boyfriend today, and my grandparents, and my mom, and dad a little bit, so it was a pretty stable day for me.
My boyfriend came over and we hung out for awhile.
Then my grandma wanted to get out of the house, so we decided to go out to eat.
I was still struggling with the food this time.
Not like in an eating disorder struggling, or anxiety struggling, but struggling with my body.
When I say body I don't mean body image either.
I just simply mean my physical symptoms.
I've said this a million times before, but I just want to eat normally again.
Breakfast is easy, but lunch was killer.
I ate all I could, and I got a brownie for dessert and wanted to eat it so bad, but my stomach was stuffed full and I didn't even eat a lot or anything.
I did get to eat my brownie later.
But anyway, my grandma had to go see her doctor because of her leg and he gave her something else to help.
She actually got an appointment which is good.
My mom, my grandma, and I are going shopping tomorrow for my grandpa's birthday presents.
I think we might go to Wal-Mart or something and get her some things to do and make her comfortable so she will stay sitting down.
I'm kind of planning on next week going on two five minute walks so she can stretch her leg and then the rest of the time she can rest.
We kind of gave up on the amusement park idea.
It's getting kind of cold here, my boyfriend can't go, and my dad doesn't really want to go since he works.
I'm kind of excited to just go shopping with my mom and grandma, like girl's day, which is always nice to have.
But anyway, when I got home I did eat my brownie and it was so good.
I couldn't eat dinner until a long time later and even then I could barely eat.
I had some apple cider hot tea which is pretty much amazing.
I just wanted to drink tea and water, almost like I was dehydrated.
I'm going to invest in some apple juice and grape juice and maybe even orange juice to try again.
I could barely eat, like I only took a few bites.
My stomach was like super bloated, and I almost started gagging on the food.
I can safely say I now know the definition of the word full.
The weird thing is, about an hour ago I got really hungry.
I was like this is so strange.
So I ate something and I'm still hungry.
I hate this feeling.
It's like, I can eat as much as I want between 10:00 at night and 10:00 in the morning, yet that's it.
I struggle with morning snacks, as in I just don't want them because of how I'm feeling, but I am going to try at least some form of liquid at that time.
Lunch, like I mentioned before, is hard.
I see all this good food, and I don't want to binge eat or anything, but I really want some kind of good food that I can eat and won't feel sick off of.
About all that works for me is coffee (in any form), hot tea, and diet coke.
I have an afternoon snack and do eat, but I'm not hungry then either.
That then makes dinner worse.
I'm stuffing myself even worse at that point.
I guess the good news is that my nausea is mostly gone.
Now if only I could get my digestive system to feel normal.
I'm hungry right now somewhat, but I don't want to eat because it's unrealistic.
By that I mean I just ate, and what else am I supposed to do?
I get so so so hungry at night, like right now.
It's a very uncomfortable feeling, I will say that.
I see a new GI doctor next week, so maybe she can help me.
Basically at this point, I want to feel better, I want my grandma to feel better, and I want my friend Veronica to start to feel better too.
I feel like I'm in such a weird place.
When I'm sick, I usually get really sad and weak, like I can't take one more step, and at times I didn't want to.
This time it's like I have the stamina.
My body wants to do things, yet I can't do them.
My mind is pretty clear too, like I'm able to talk to people just fine and be in a good mood and everything.
The good news I will say is I think my fever broke for a day, or at least went down lower.
The other thing that's on my mind is this.
When we dropped my boyfriend off at school, which is my old high school I left, the band people were walking to the field and stuff.
It's homecoming weekend.
It reminds me of all these things, and I don't necessarily like that.
I'm obviously not going to homecoming, not that I want to, but you know.
I remember when I was walking from the band room to the field with my drum on Friday afternoons.
I remember running the football field to help set up the marimbas and stuff.
I remember going to football games with my friends and drinking diet cokes because I wouldn't eat anything.
I remember getting basically kicked out of that school and getting the cold shoulder.
They wouldn't work with me or my health conditions.
In tenth grade, I was expected to go to school for two classes, ride in the car for an hour or more to go to the day program for eating disorders, and then come home each night and repeat.
Trust me, I was much happier in my cyber school.
It just bothers me, all those things that happened at that school, and how everyone treated me.
I mean, I would walk down the halls basically hyperventilating.
I got good grades, and I did every single homework assignment, but most of the teachers never liked me.
They liked my friends, but they would like ignore me, because I was smart, but I had health problems that would sometimes interfere.
Heck, I would sleep maybe four hours a night in ninth grade because I was studying all night to get good grades, and I still felt rejected.
In band, I was shunned by all the older kids.
I would go to the bathroom and purge at that school sometimes too.
This is going to sound weird, but I was terrible at purging, so I basically would just step out of class and try to purge and calm down.
In middle school even, I knew for a fact that the guys liked my body, but they never said anything.
The teachers there didn't care for me either.
I remember being in homeroom with my friends Lindsey and Jordyn.
We would all talk sometimes, and we were all good at science so we would talk to the teacher and stuff.
Well he paid attention to those two but basically ignored me.
I know I'm like ramblimg, but I also remember the office people telling me to go home and stay away or I would contaminate the whole school.
I am relieved that I did not graduate from that school, that I never got the class ring, and that I only have one sweatshirt with the band logo on.
Basically everyone I used to be friends with has stabbed me in the back and moved on with their lives.
It makes me angry.
I know I'm better off with my real friends, but it hurts.
Driving through that school parking lot was like torture.
Imagine how I felt going to their prom last year with my boyfriend.
I posted a little about that but deleted it.
If I stepped into that school, I know I would either break down or scream or run away crying or want to punch the principals or something like that.
I hate how my dad always announces how my old school kicks butt at football.
Every Friday night, I hope that they lose.
I would never wish for anyone I don't know to get hurt, but I would wish a thousand times for them to feel my pain.
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