I'm actually feeling better today.
I made it through today with three regular sized meals.
I had two liquid snacks, one English Tea, and one Decaf Pumpkin Pie Late.
I just finished my third snack for today.
It feels really, really weird to eat this much.
In the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if I'm overdoing it.
When I think about it more logically, this isn't what I ate with anorexia, which is good.
It isn't what I ate with bulimia either, which is good.
I really believe that the happy medium is not cutting out foods, but not eating and eating and eating.
I guess you could say that I don't really let my stomach control my emotions anymore in that way.
I look at myself, and I know I've gained weight in the past few months.
I really don't like the fact that I gained weight, because who would, but I'm adjusting.
I haven't flipped out or anything.
Okay, maybe just a little bit in my head for a few seconds.
But the thing is, I'm not doing anything about it.
That shows me that I'm stronger in terms of managing my Eating Disorder symptoms than I thought.
I was still stuffing myself during my afternoon snack and dinner, but I have a feeling that this will get easier as time goes by.
It always does.
When I say stuffing myself, I mean that I'm not purposefully binging or anything.
In fact I'm not binging by any means.
I'm just eating, and it's difficult right now, so I'm just trying to get a little bit of a meal in for my medicine and most importantly my body.
My only real physical problem now, well besides my hideous rash that's spreading, is my fever.
I almost constantly have a fever, usually around 100.
The average temperature keeps going up and up and up.
It was 99, then 99.5, now it's 100 or even more.
I don't mind having a fever because it's just a fever.
I do, however, mind the symptoms that go along with them.
Sometimes I'm so hot that I'm sweating and I just feel like my skin is burning.
At other times, I'm so cold that I'm shivering, but most of the time I'm hot.
My feet get cold constantly, so I always wear fuzzy socks.
I need to invest in more of them, because it's just Autumn, how will I ever survive the winter?
My test scores for college should be coming soon.
Tomorrow will be twenty days, which is about how long it takes to score my tests.
I'm not really worried.
I mean I will be when I first see them, but otherwise it's just the whole college thing that's going to get overwhelming.
Right now I'm kind of in this mood like, okay, I took the test, I don't have my scores back, so I'm pretty much not tied down to much of anything.
I'm going to be applying to colleges as soon as I get my scores because I'm trying my hardest to start classes in January.
I also have to work on my driving so I can get my licence.
I can tell things are going to get overwhelming sometime soon.
I'm trying to just chill right now.
I've been editing pictures and making inspirational posters for photo albums.
It kind of helps reading the quotes too, you know, for my own sake and all.
I'd say besides that little bit of anxiety in the back of my head, I'm doing pretty good.
My depression is manageable.
I'm not really sad, I'm actually kind of perky when I'm around people or doing something productive.
My anxiety is pretty much fine too.
I haven't had a panic attack in like a month and a half.
I haven't been really moody either.
I kind of feel like this feeling of being somewhat content for once.
It's not perfection, which I realize I will never reach, but it's okay for right now.
I feel like I'm basically living off of Diet Coke, coffee, hot tea, and juice boxes.
I might try to get my multivitamin plus iron tomorrow or Friday.
I get dizzy sometimes when I stand up.
I'll see really tiny black spots, feel a little off balance, and then every thing's back to normal.
It only happens like once or twice a day, compared to however many times it was before, so I can't really complain.
I'm avoiding 'social networking' at all costs.
By that I mean I will only log on if I'm desperate for snooping into other people's lives.
I've kind of come to realize, if you want to talk to me, and if I'm important enough to you, we can text each other or talk on the phone.
Or they could even read my blog.
I'm not trying to isolate, but the whole social stuff on the Internet (besides my blog of course) is futile.
It just makes me angry because I hate most of the people on my friends list anyway.
I mean nobody besides my boyfriend comments on my pictures, no one comments on my wall posts, and I'm lucky to just get one like, from my boyfriend.
I guess that shows how important I really am.
I'm extremely disappointed in some of my so called friends.
It's like they went to college and now I'm nothing.
I feel like friend wise I only have my boyfriend, Ashley, Raymond, Veronica, and a few other people.
I'm not going to name names but I really think some people are rude butts on the Internet anyway and I'm done even reading about it.
Thank you, but I'll stick to my blog and my writing.
At least people read my blog.
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