I am so cold.
Like, I didn't know it was humanly possible to be this cold.
Especially after drinking hot green tea.
It feels like someone is rubbing ice cubes on my feet.
I keep shivering and I'm wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks.
Plus I'm covered with my fuzzy blanket and comforter from my bed.
But anyway, besides being cold, I haven't felt right the majority of the day.
This morning, it took me forever to wake up.
When I did wake up, I had to take my one acid reflux medicine and my gastroparesis medicine.
So I had to wait a half hour to eat breakfast.
Which I will have to do for the next gosh knows how long, every single day.
My grandpa took me out for breakfast since I was hungry and nothing in our house appealed to me.
Then we went to the grocery store to get my low fat and fat free foods.
It was kind of weird.
Like I have all these rules foods that are 'good' and 'bad' like when I had my eating disorder.
It was always difficult for me to go grocery shopping when I had my eating disorder, for obvious reasons.
It was hard with my nausea too, because sometimes the food would make me hungry and sometimes the food would make me want to throw up.
I used to be on a milk protein free diet, which made me read all the food labels.
That was terrible too, because I knew what I could eat to some extent, but reading the ingredients in everything is almost worse than the calories and food label.
I don't want to sound rude at all, but it's kind of hard grocery shopping with my grandpa or talking to him about these things.
Like my mom and grandma realize this is something I have to do for my stomach.
Yet he tends to question or work his way around everything.
I love my grandpa, and appreciate him buying me the food I need.
But the doctor told me what to do, and he wasn't there.
I feel like compromises are trying to be made here so I will eat, rather than me making the compromises so I won't have to eat.
I don't know.
I don't see myself slipping back into my anorexia because I have been eating and stuff, just substituting the lower fat stuff in.
I don't know if it will make me lose weight, but I really don't care.
Because I'm at this point where, if I stay this weight I won't care, but if I go back to where I was, I'd be okay too.
I guess the eating disorder kind of yells in our ears at times 'you should weigh less' and stuff, and I do still get that sometimes, but the important thing is I don't act on symptoms.
My stomach is somewhat more comfortable right now.
I was just having some stabbing lower abdominal pain from time to time, and some pain in my spleen area again.
I was going to take some of my pain medicine, but I'm taking my sleeping pills soon.
I'm no expert, but I don't see that ending on a good note.
I think that my multivitamins with iron have been helping somewhat because I'm not really lightheaded anymore.
I am however extremely fatigued.
I feel like I have to rely on antidepressants and caffeine to stay awake, which is not what I want.
I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to give him and update, and e-mail my other doctor to let him know what's going on with my fatigue.
I kind of feel a slight relapse in my chronic fatigue syndrome.
I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more, and I hate it.
It's not like depression, like oh I wish I could sleep all day.
It's more like I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do.
I feel almost like a walking zombie, who also happens to be freezing cold.
I just want to curl up under my covers and crash for the night, which I will most likely do after I get all my pills down.
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