I could not post anything last night to save my soul.
I was just in a weird mood.
I was angry and frustrated, and didn't know where to go with my writing.
So I guess I will post what's going on today and what went on yesterday right now, and then post something else to make up for it later tonight.
Tomorrow I have an appointment at that hospital I was talking about with a new doctor for my digestive problems.
It's kind of good to go and be able to talk to a doctor about the problems I've been having with nausea and having not much of an appetite and stuff, yet at the same time it's not.
I really don't feel like going through a medical history first thing in the morning, with a strange person, asking me questions about my past.
I hate the questioning about my past, because in my opinion it's my past for a reason.
I really wish she could just read my records or talk to my old doctor and figure out what she needs to know.
In reality, that's not going to happen.
It's going to be me sitting on the exam table, explaining all of my problems, my anorexia, my bulimia, my depression, my anxiety, my post-traumatic stress disorder, my hospitalizations, my medications, etc.
I just get kind of scared because this lady is going to be managing my medication for the next, gosh knows how long, and managing my life.
I finally learned to trust my old doctor, and now this new lady is taking his place, just because I turned eighteen and he doesn't feel he can properly treat me anymore.
The other probelm is that I don't like talking to strangers about my personal life.
Like when I go to the emergency room and they say 'oh, I see you're bulimic...' or 'why do you have post traumatic stress disorder, what happened...' or one time I even got 'why do you have gastroparesis, because you don't just get gastroparesis for no reason, so why do you have it'.
I know I used to be anorexic, I know I used to be bulimic, I know I used to have bad habits and tendencies, I used to be a depressed and anxious mess, and I don't want to go for a walk in the park with those thoughts.
I'm there for my acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, gastroparesis (delayed gastric emptying), and my nausea, not to talk about how I'm doing with my eating disorder.
When I say I'm not hungry to anyone, they automatically think I'm anxious or scared of food or whatever and don't want to eat.
But if you know me, you know that I'm just plain not hungry, and my nausea is terrible.
It's not freaking in my head.
I guess that's my biggest fear because I hate it when people think I'm crazy or making up my symptoms.
I had a doctor once tell me that I had a 'brain chemical imbalance' causing my problems.
No freaking duh, I know that my chemicals are out of wack, why else would I be talking to you?!
He also told me to exercise in the dead of Summer for a half hour, no matter how bad I felt.
Well I was there for lightheadedness and fatigue, so you can see why I changed doctors.
I didn't need an exercise program to kill me, I needed something to make me feel better.
Summing this up, I don't know how this will end, but I just hope she actually listens to me and doesn't make me seem like I exaggerate or whatever.
I know for a fact that I have terrible nausea, and it's uncomfortable, and annoying.
I went out to dinner with my parents and grandparents for my grandpa's birthday and I ate about half of my meal, and of course wanted something for dessert.
I got this like mini-brownie with ice cream on top, and I mean it was so small.
I ate half of it, and it was so good, the chocolate with the hot fudge and everything.
I was eating it, and then all of a sudden it was like I can't do this, I'm going to be sick.
I took one of my nausea pills.
I took another bite, and if I would have taken another, it wouldn't have been pretty.
I want to be able to eat a mini-brownie with a spoonfull of ice cream on it.
Heck, I want to be able to eat a regular sized brownie.
I want to be able to eat a scoop of ice cream with sprinkles, not just half of a little cup of coffee ice cream loaded with sprinkles.
I don't want to drink pumpkin pie coffee, I want to eat pumpkin pie.
I think you get the picture.
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