I can safely say that I am never content.
I am never content with things surrounding my eating disorder either, such as my weight, my body shape, how I look, etc.
I sometimes think like, okay, I don't want to eat too much, but I want to eat enough.
How much is enough?
When do I start?
When do I stop?
These are basically the only 'eating disorder thoughts' that I get now, but sometimes it's enough to make your head spin.
For awhile I was doing the whole 'eat what you want, when you want it, stop when you're full' thing.
It was working.
Over the past few months I have gained some weight.
All of my doctors weigh me, so it's like a slap in the face every time I see one of them.
I don't really care right at this moment, well obviously because I'm sitting here writing and eating my third snack, but when I step on the scale, and they write it on the paper, and the scale just keeps flashing that number, it's like 'oh my gosh just stop it'.
I was thinking the other night about how good I looked when I was a few pounds heavier, like when I got my feeding tube out.
Yet I look at myself in my pictures when I was deep into my eating disorder, and I thought I looked good then.
Well obviously I didn't look good then, but it's just a perception type of thing some people have.
So, if I gain weight will I be happy?
No because I wasn't happy when I weighed that much.
If I lose weight will I be happy?
No because I wasn't happy when I weighed that much either.
Am I happy with my weight at the moment?
Not especially.
I think it's just that I have to come to terms with the fact that I weigh what I weigh.
Basically my thought is why does it even matter how much I weigh?
Shouldn't it matter what my vital signs are and my electrolytes?
I could be unhealthy five pounds heavier or five pounds lighter.
The number doesn't really mean anything.
When I look in the mirror, I see myself. I see some imperfections, but I hated some parts of myself when I was heavier and lighter too.
So I think basically that whole 'eat when you want, when you want it, stop when you're full' thing might just be what's good for me.
I'm basically trying to balance things, not really all about maintaining my weight, but because I want some normalcy.
The other day, I decided that I would try to eat six small means a day like I used to do for my stomach.
It does make you feel good.
This is going to sound sick and twisted but I think of it as an eating disorder medium.
I'm not restricting, but I'm not eating huge meals.
I'm not binging, but I'm eating more often.
Most of the time, there's no happy medium with my appetite anyway.
I may not be hungry, but I eat anyway, and I may be starving but I don't eat and eat and eat.
I feel like in some ways my old eating disorder thoughts are coming through here, but I think what I'm trying to say is that I need regulation. I know that if I don't do something almost constantly my depression gets terrible.
I've come a long way with that though. I plan things to do during the day.
I work in my study books.
I even talk to people, like my family members, or text people like friends or my boyfriend. I feel like I can actually even interact with people, and that helps too.
I have come a long way with my eating disorder.
Like the other day I wasn't hungry at all, but it was lunch time, and I wanted to eat.
I ate a little, and my mind was like, just eat it, it's so good, and you need to eat anyway.
My stomach, on the other hand, was like, you can't eat, you're full and I'm going to give you nausea if you keep eating.
I hate those kind of days. It's like, why can't I just eat?
Why do my pain and nausea have to change my eating behaviors?
I guess the best way to explain my eating disorder at the moment is, I will look at a food and be like, okay this has a million calories, but I will eat it anyway.
I don't let calories stop me.
If I want whipped cream on my coffee, I will get it.
It's just my nausea that sometimes stops me.
I know now that I can't eat certain things, like citrus fruits, extremely spicy things, mint flavored food, thick icing, etc. because of my acid reflux.
I don't let calories stop me anymore.
I mean, it's food.
We need it to survive.
I need food to keep my body running, just like I need my diet coke to keep me awake.
Right now, there are other things I have going on with my health anyway.
I realize that I don't want anorexia or bulimia following me around on top of all that.
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