The other week, my friend Rachel (from eating disorder treatment) had her friend Emily commit suicide.
I'm not very close to Rachel anymore, but that isn't to say that I don't care about her.
Rachel was my roommate.
She is such an amazing and strong person.
It was terrible watching her fall apart on her blog after Emily died.
Sitting here, I feel somewhat like she did, like what could I have done?
I'm at a better place with my eating disorder so couldn't I have helped her?
Couldn't I have reached out a little bit more?
Now she's in treatment on the other side of the country.
Even though we're not like best friends forever, Rachel is really an inspiration for stepping up and accepting treatment at a time like this in her life.
Reading her blog, I feel like I got to know her on a whole new level.
My heart truly goes out to Rachel, as I wish her the best in treatment.
I have a friend named Melissa.
Melissa was in treatment with Rachel and me.
I remember seeing them take her away in an ambulance a few times.
Rachel and I would watch out the window from our room to see what was going on with her.
I never really sat down and talked to Melissa, but after treatment, we would talk online and stuff.
She was always a true inspiration to me after I learned more about her.
She has been through so many things with her health.
Before I got my feeding tube, I would talk to her about it and she would help me in terms of where to go.
I remember a few times being in serious pain and having Melissa give me the courage to keep trying.
Doctors thought she was just making things up and exaggerating, but now she's dying.
Melissa is dying as we speak, and she will soon be gone.
She would text me when I was in the hospital to see how I was doing.
I couldn't call her because my throat hurt and I couldn't talk, but I wish we would have stayed closer.
The same thing goes for Rachel.
It's hard watching two people you basically lived with and ate every single rough meal with fall down.
I feel like I just want to see each of them right now and tell them that I love them.
I don't want to lose Melissa.
I don't want Rachel to have to be in pain.
The same goes for my friend Nichole.
I don't know details, because like the other girls, I haven't talked to her in awhile, but her mother recently died.
I really hope Nichole will be okay, as she was also in treatment with Rachel, Melissa, and me.
I don't know what happened, but just knowing what I do know makes my heart break.
So basically, what I'm asking is, God, please be with my friends.
My grandma is in a lot of pain right now too and has to start taking pain medication.
I also pray that God will take her physical pain away and be with her.
I don't want to sound selfish, but I need to say at least a little prayer for myself.
My doctor called tonight (he wasn't supposed to call until Monday) about my blood tests I had yesterday.
Everything came back normal, except my iron levels were low.
Usually, they would give me iron pills.
Except I have problems with my stomach, and iron pills can mess with your digestive system.
My doctor is reluctant to put me on them because of this.
On the other hand, he doesn't want me to become anemic.
So I guess he's basically undecided as to what to do about it.
I feel like a big walking mystery still.
I know they figured out that my fatigue is coming from an iron deficiency, but what about my pain?
I'm still in a lot of pain around my liver and spleen.
My doctor tested my liver with blood work and the results were fine.
He also didn't feel an enlarged spleen, even though when he pushed on it I screamed a little.
He told me to try my acid reflux medication again, but I'm still in pain.
I hate being in situations like this.
It tests my strength so much.
It's like, I'm falling apart, the world is falling apart, what do I do?
My doctor also said to come in and see him in the morning if I have a rough night with continuing pain.
Right now, I'm just so uncomfortable.
The antacids did help a little, a very little, and so did the pain medication, yet I'm still in pain.
I don't want them telling me that there's nothing wrong with me or that I just have to wait it out.
I also have a fever, which I've had for weeks, if not a month or more.
How can low iron give you a long lasting fever?
Why am I being tested with all of this?
I just don't know anymore.
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