I feel like I could throw up any second.
Of course I know this isn't true because my body physically will never let me throw up.
I'm terribly uncomfortable.
I feel like I should be in the bathroom over the toilet, it's that bad, but what good would it do me?
It would be futile.
I would just be gagging and making my body feel worse.
I can just feel my stomach churning, the nausea getting worse, my body getting hot, my mouth salivating, my throat feeling tight, all that good stuff.
I'm like having extreme hot flashes and chills, mixed every few minutes.
I just took my temperature, and I have a fever, but low grade, not semi-high like usual.
Even though I used to purge, at this point in my life I hate throwing up as much as the next guy.
I really want some symptom relief, but what more can I do?
I took nausea medicine earlier, antacids, and my delayed gastric emptying medicine.
I really can't take anything, unless I take spasm medicine, but I'm not even having spasms, or more antacids, but I'm not having reflux or pain.
Plus I'm calm, I'm not like flipping out and pacing the floor like 'oh my gosh, got to throw up, got to throw up' like I do sometimes.
I could barely eat at all day.
I ate breakfast, which went pretty okay.
I wasn't very hungry, but I did have a twinge of hunger, and was able to eat.
I couldn't finish my chocolate milk though, which would have been no problem before.
It just didn't taste right, and I love chocolate milk from time to time.
Lunch was super hard.
My grandma and grandpa came over and were going to eat lunch with my mom and me.
They asked me what I wanted, and I honestly didn't know what to say, because food was the last thing my stomach and I wanted to think about.
So we decided and I ate a little, but I had to leave the table because I felt sick to my stomach after eating half of my lunch.
My mom and grandma and I went shopping for my grandpa's birthday, which worked pretty good, because then we got coffee and I had a little something to eat.
It was nice to just sit down, because my feet and legs were killing me, and we just went to one store.
We talked for a little bit, me and my mom and grandma.
Then my mom and I got the other stuff we needed at the store, and by that time, I was exhausted.
So I came home and fell asleep.
I woke up after about two hours and was a little hungry.
I was able to eat dinner and drink some green tea, and even have a little bit for dessert.
Then the nausea came, with a vengeance.
I was so hot from drinking my green tea, but now I'm getting periodic chills and shivering.
I really don't like to complain and all that, but I just feel so sick.
Of course, I won't be able to go to sleep for awhile because I took a nap because well, that's how it always works.
My grandma wants to go out to eat tomorrow with my aunt who's in town from down south, and I really want to go and hang out with them for awhile.
Yet at the same time, I don't know how I could even begin to eat at a real restaurant.
I really don't think I lost weight or anything, which of course isn't the goal, but my pants were kind of loose today.
I mean I almost have to lose weight for the amount of food I'm able to eat.
My doctor said I should start a multivitamin with iron because obviously my iron levels are low, and he doesn't want any other levels to get low because of my eating habits.
I got a kid's dose with extra iron, and I'm going to just take two like I did before.
Before I went to sleep, I was thinking, like I usually do.
I was thinking how there's just something not right about this world.
Nothing really feels right.
Like today, I love shopping, my mood was fine, but I feel like I was contemplating everything, like should I do this, what should I do, what what what?
Sometimes, I honestly just want to live in my little bubble with my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and my boyfriend can be there too, because, with a few exceptions, those are the only people I feel true emotion towards.
No offense, I do care about other people, like my aunts, my other grandparents, some friends, etc.
I kind of just want to be in this little world with them.
I know they try to understand me, they love me, and they've basically seen me through it all.
I don't feel like I want much of anything to do with many people.
They just don't understand how I feel.
I know if I saw a medical professional right now, I'd leave in tears, because I feel like so horrible all over and nobody seems to be able to get it.
Nobody fully understands it, or me either for that matter.
I guess that's why I'm at the point where I'm like, what do I do, what do I do?
I mean, like the song says, how many times can I break til I shatter? Honestly?
I feel for my mom, because she's laying on the couch feeling sick too.
I feel for my grandma, because she's still in a lot of pain and uncomfortable, and doesn't feel good either.
I feel for my boyfriend, who is grounded for basically no reason, and is just sitting around.
I feel for my grandpa, and the daily pain he goes through with his arthritis.
Like I said before, I feel betrayed by a lot of people.
Tonight was homecoming and I saw the students all up my grandma and grandpa's street in their dresses and fancy clothes, and I just want to spit at them.
I saw one of my old friends at the store, well she was in band with me, we weren't good friends or anything, but I automatically turned the other way and basically ran.
I mean it's not like she wanted to see me either, because she was in line right behind me and didn't say a word.
I just turned the other way, texted my boyfriend, talked to my mom, and wanted to shake her and say what the heck is your problem?!
I saw some students too walking around the store in their homecoming clothes, and I just wanted to yell get the heck away from me!
I know it sounds like I'm isolating or whatever, but first of all I feel sick, second I'm annoyed, and third I have this anger towards a lot of people.
I don't care if anyone tries to analyze this, no offense to my therapist, but I honestly don't care.
Think what you want of me, really, go ahead.
I think that most people on this earth are worthless pieces of crap, with few exceptions.
I apologize for my attitude if you think I have an attitude, but at this point I just want to say whatever, and hit the guy singing this song on the radio in the face, because he's annoying me with his rapping.
Note, I am not a violent person physically by any means, in fact I'm pretty much one of the gentlest people you'll ever meet, but I have the right to feel like everyone else.
So to the world, please just shut up and leave me alone for right now!
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