At this point, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't even know what to say. I just know what I have to go to bed. So I chose this song, because well I just so happen to love this song, along with Simon Le Bon. This is 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran/
Monday, October 31, 2011
Finally I'm Forced To Face The Truth
I am so exhausted right now, like no words can explain it.
I'm simultaneously downloading music and writing on here when all I want to do is sleep.
I didn't get to post last night because I was at my grandparents house, so if I don't post tonight I will fall into the habit of not posting again,
I didn't get to have my Halloween party on Saturday because of being sick and in the emergency room and all.
So my grandparents let me have it at their house.
For that I am thankful, because I can't imagine a holiday, or Halloween for that matter, going by without me doing anything.
I love to celebrate things, like I try to have birthday parties for family members and myself, and we try to do things, at least something on holidays.
But needless to say, after all of that I am beyond exhausted.
Don't get me wrong, I had fun and I wouldn't change the time being with my family for anything, but I just don't feel so hot right now.
I'm getting the chills too, like I'm really cold and uncomfortable.
My stomach did a little better today, and by a little I mean just a little, and I don't want to jinx it.
I woke up, later than ever I think, and had to wait a half hour to eat anything because of my antacids and stomach medicine.
I was like starving, so I ate a bowl of Rice Krispies (which is basically one of my favorite foods now, or rather food that my stomach can handle), and I was still a little hungry.
I didn't want to push it, so I decided to eat some fruit.
But by the time I got to the bottom of the fruit cup, I was about to start gagging.
My lunch consisted of a decaf pumpkin spice late with skim milk, which made me incredibly bloated.
I wanted to be able to eat dinner, since we were having food for Halloween and my Grandpa's birthday.
I was like, oh my gosh, what do I eat, what can my stomach handle? because all of the food looked so good.
So I decided I would eat what I could, and that's what I did.
I didn't eat a lot by any means.
But I ate the equivalent of a small meal, which I was actually feeling good about for once.
I didn't need nausea medicine, just my regular medicine and an anxiety pill.
My grandma and grandpa made gingerbread for dessert, with whipped cream, because I love gingerbread and my mom used to make it for me every Halloween night.
It tasted so good, because it was like real food to me, but sad to say I couldn't even eat a whole piece.
I had to scrape the whipped cream off, and even the sprinkles I put on it.
I'm drinking some orange juice right now and I'm going to take my medicine in a few minutes.
I don't think I can stress enough how exhausted I am.
I don't know why I'm basically telling myself to stay awake.
I feel like I'm in this zone, where I'm freezing cold, and half awake and half asleep.
I'm probably getting delirious at this point, loose definition of the word, but still.
I just need sleep so bad.
But it gets me angry because I have been sleeping, a lot.
It feels so defeating.
Like what do I do at this point?
I feel like I need some guidance, or a schedule, or something.
Like I said, or maybe I didn't, I e-mailed my one doctor today.
I don't think he wrote back, but I will check as soon as I'm done writing this.
I'm going to call my GI doctor and my regular doctor tomorrow, and ask what the heck I should do.
I'm terribly confused.
On one hand I think that I need some extra help, of some sort, but I obviously don't want to go into the hospital or treatment or anything, because I mean what could they do for me anyway?
As my one doctor put it, I'm not dying, so there's no need to hospitalize me.
I'm just terribly, terribly, incredibly uncomfortable.
What is there to do?
Try new medication? Wait it all out? Deal with it?
Easier said than done.
I don't even know what to say or think at this point.
Time for bed.
I'm simultaneously downloading music and writing on here when all I want to do is sleep.
I didn't get to post last night because I was at my grandparents house, so if I don't post tonight I will fall into the habit of not posting again,
I didn't get to have my Halloween party on Saturday because of being sick and in the emergency room and all.
So my grandparents let me have it at their house.
For that I am thankful, because I can't imagine a holiday, or Halloween for that matter, going by without me doing anything.
I love to celebrate things, like I try to have birthday parties for family members and myself, and we try to do things, at least something on holidays.
But needless to say, after all of that I am beyond exhausted.
Don't get me wrong, I had fun and I wouldn't change the time being with my family for anything, but I just don't feel so hot right now.
I'm getting the chills too, like I'm really cold and uncomfortable.
My stomach did a little better today, and by a little I mean just a little, and I don't want to jinx it.
I woke up, later than ever I think, and had to wait a half hour to eat anything because of my antacids and stomach medicine.
I was like starving, so I ate a bowl of Rice Krispies (which is basically one of my favorite foods now, or rather food that my stomach can handle), and I was still a little hungry.
I didn't want to push it, so I decided to eat some fruit.
But by the time I got to the bottom of the fruit cup, I was about to start gagging.
My lunch consisted of a decaf pumpkin spice late with skim milk, which made me incredibly bloated.
I wanted to be able to eat dinner, since we were having food for Halloween and my Grandpa's birthday.
I was like, oh my gosh, what do I eat, what can my stomach handle? because all of the food looked so good.
So I decided I would eat what I could, and that's what I did.
I didn't eat a lot by any means.
But I ate the equivalent of a small meal, which I was actually feeling good about for once.
I didn't need nausea medicine, just my regular medicine and an anxiety pill.
My grandma and grandpa made gingerbread for dessert, with whipped cream, because I love gingerbread and my mom used to make it for me every Halloween night.
It tasted so good, because it was like real food to me, but sad to say I couldn't even eat a whole piece.
I had to scrape the whipped cream off, and even the sprinkles I put on it.
I'm drinking some orange juice right now and I'm going to take my medicine in a few minutes.
I don't think I can stress enough how exhausted I am.
I don't know why I'm basically telling myself to stay awake.
I feel like I'm in this zone, where I'm freezing cold, and half awake and half asleep.
I'm probably getting delirious at this point, loose definition of the word, but still.
I just need sleep so bad.
But it gets me angry because I have been sleeping, a lot.
It feels so defeating.
Like what do I do at this point?
I feel like I need some guidance, or a schedule, or something.
Like I said, or maybe I didn't, I e-mailed my one doctor today.
I don't think he wrote back, but I will check as soon as I'm done writing this.
I'm going to call my GI doctor and my regular doctor tomorrow, and ask what the heck I should do.
I'm terribly confused.
On one hand I think that I need some extra help, of some sort, but I obviously don't want to go into the hospital or treatment or anything, because I mean what could they do for me anyway?
As my one doctor put it, I'm not dying, so there's no need to hospitalize me.
I'm just terribly, terribly, incredibly uncomfortable.
What is there to do?
Try new medication? Wait it all out? Deal with it?
Easier said than done.
I don't even know what to say or think at this point.
Time for bed.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
She Will Be Loved
This is an old song, but still a very good one at that. Sometimes I listen to this song, and it's almost like they're singing to me or something. I feel extremely messed up with my body right now. Almost like my body is rebelling on me. It feels good to know still that my family and friends and boyfriend still love me through it all. This is 'She Will Be Loved' by Maroon 5.
You'll Be That Girl
Well, obviously I didn't get to write last night, because I was in the emergency room.
That's a story in and of itself, but one I'm willing to share.
Yesterday, I started to feel super sick, as if all of my symptoms were magnified.
I slept practically all day because of pure exhaustion.
I put a call in to my doctor, but he was off, so I left a message with this other guy.
He's sort of like my back up doctor, because he's seen me before and is a good doctor.
He was working late and didn't call me so I decided to call my one specialist.
I mean, I called and even saw primary care and gastroenterology, so he was basically the one to talk to if I had to choose.
He's a very, very smart doctor, and he's good with my fatigue and stuff, so it didn't hurt.
I called him, fell asleep, and then he called me.
I was like half asleep and didn't know what I was really saying to him, but we talked.
He said that I was most likely having or recovering from a viral illness, which is where the fatigue and discomfort are coming from.
He asked if I had sinus pressure, because I get a ton of sinus infections, but oddly this time I didn't have any.
Our plan was for me to push through the weekend, with moderate activity and rest, and to e-mail him on Monday to let him know what's going on.
Well, later the other doctor called.
I talked to him, and at that point my nausea was almost unbearable.
He was going to give me the medicine I already had, so he didn't really know what else to do.
At that point he thought I was dehydrated.
He said I should probably go to the emergency room and get IV fluids, IV nausea medicine, and possibly a CT scan of my abdomen.
So I went to the emergency room, for the second time this month.
The took my information, and didn't know what they were going to do, so they sent a doctor in to see me.
We talked and he said I almost had to be anemic, because I had all of the symptoms.
I was lightheaded, weak, fatigued, and nauseous at that time.
He decided I was dehydrated by looking at me, especially by my cracked lips.
So they did blood tests, a laying/sitting/standing vital sign test, and gave me IV fluids and nausea medicine.
After my IV fluids were done, another doctor came in.
He said that my blood tests looked pretty much normal.
He said I was having an exacerbation of my chronic fatigue, gastroparesis, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux, and said it was fine for me to go home.
I went home, and since then, I've been feeling a little better.
I'm basically living off of carbs, hot tea, coffee, orange juice, and nausea medicine.
I can take my nausea medicine every six hours now instead of eight, and I have both forms, the ones that go under your tongue and the ones you swallow.
I also took some of my pain medication because I was having really bad pain in my head and sinuses.
I don't know if I picked up a sinus infection at the hospital or what, but the pain went away since I took strong pain medicine.
So basically I went to the store with my mom this morning because it's snowing here.
Isn't it crazy, it's October and it's snowing where I live?
I needed to stock up on hot tea and coffee, and also get another Hello Kitty coloring book.
I saw my grandma and grandpa for a few minutes when we got back to my house, and then in a little while I fell asleep.
I woke up and ate a snack, then I was so nauseous and in so much pain (face and head) that I just slept until I could take more pain medicine.
I ate dinner, took my medicine, and then I was wide awake.
So right now I'm writing on here, and then I'm going to work on some picture books.
The sad thing is I was going to have my Halloween party today, but it's been postponed because of the snow and because of me being sick.
I feel bad because it's also my grandpa's birthday party, but we are rescheduling, for probably Monday.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.
I just have to keep pushing through until Monday.
The Monday I have to call three doctors to give them updates, see if I need to be seen, and see if they can up the dose of my stomach medicine or give me something stronger.
I barely have any food in me, so that's kind of hard too.
Like I'm constantly hungry, but I'm also constantly nauseous, so I have to wait till the right moment to eat.
Right now I have my hot tea, my computer, my phone, and my sleeping pills, so I'm going to chill for the rest of the night and then go to bed.
That's a story in and of itself, but one I'm willing to share.
Yesterday, I started to feel super sick, as if all of my symptoms were magnified.
I slept practically all day because of pure exhaustion.
I put a call in to my doctor, but he was off, so I left a message with this other guy.
He's sort of like my back up doctor, because he's seen me before and is a good doctor.
He was working late and didn't call me so I decided to call my one specialist.
I mean, I called and even saw primary care and gastroenterology, so he was basically the one to talk to if I had to choose.
He's a very, very smart doctor, and he's good with my fatigue and stuff, so it didn't hurt.
I called him, fell asleep, and then he called me.
I was like half asleep and didn't know what I was really saying to him, but we talked.
He said that I was most likely having or recovering from a viral illness, which is where the fatigue and discomfort are coming from.
He asked if I had sinus pressure, because I get a ton of sinus infections, but oddly this time I didn't have any.
Our plan was for me to push through the weekend, with moderate activity and rest, and to e-mail him on Monday to let him know what's going on.
Well, later the other doctor called.
I talked to him, and at that point my nausea was almost unbearable.
He was going to give me the medicine I already had, so he didn't really know what else to do.
At that point he thought I was dehydrated.
He said I should probably go to the emergency room and get IV fluids, IV nausea medicine, and possibly a CT scan of my abdomen.
So I went to the emergency room, for the second time this month.
The took my information, and didn't know what they were going to do, so they sent a doctor in to see me.
We talked and he said I almost had to be anemic, because I had all of the symptoms.
I was lightheaded, weak, fatigued, and nauseous at that time.
He decided I was dehydrated by looking at me, especially by my cracked lips.
So they did blood tests, a laying/sitting/standing vital sign test, and gave me IV fluids and nausea medicine.
After my IV fluids were done, another doctor came in.
He said that my blood tests looked pretty much normal.
He said I was having an exacerbation of my chronic fatigue, gastroparesis, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux, and said it was fine for me to go home.
I went home, and since then, I've been feeling a little better.
I'm basically living off of carbs, hot tea, coffee, orange juice, and nausea medicine.
I can take my nausea medicine every six hours now instead of eight, and I have both forms, the ones that go under your tongue and the ones you swallow.
I also took some of my pain medication because I was having really bad pain in my head and sinuses.
I don't know if I picked up a sinus infection at the hospital or what, but the pain went away since I took strong pain medicine.
So basically I went to the store with my mom this morning because it's snowing here.
Isn't it crazy, it's October and it's snowing where I live?
I needed to stock up on hot tea and coffee, and also get another Hello Kitty coloring book.
I saw my grandma and grandpa for a few minutes when we got back to my house, and then in a little while I fell asleep.
I woke up and ate a snack, then I was so nauseous and in so much pain (face and head) that I just slept until I could take more pain medicine.
I ate dinner, took my medicine, and then I was wide awake.
So right now I'm writing on here, and then I'm going to work on some picture books.
The sad thing is I was going to have my Halloween party today, but it's been postponed because of the snow and because of me being sick.
I feel bad because it's also my grandpa's birthday party, but we are rescheduling, for probably Monday.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.
I just have to keep pushing through until Monday.
The Monday I have to call three doctors to give them updates, see if I need to be seen, and see if they can up the dose of my stomach medicine or give me something stronger.
I barely have any food in me, so that's kind of hard too.
Like I'm constantly hungry, but I'm also constantly nauseous, so I have to wait till the right moment to eat.
Right now I have my hot tea, my computer, my phone, and my sleeping pills, so I'm going to chill for the rest of the night and then go to bed.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Sick and Tired
This is such a good song! I listen to it a lot, especially because of the line 'I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired'. I was going to post this video almost every night, and I finally decided that tonight is the night. So anyway, this is 'Candle' by The White Tie Affair.
The City Is On Fire Tonight
I am so cold.
Like, I didn't know it was humanly possible to be this cold.
Especially after drinking hot green tea.
It feels like someone is rubbing ice cubes on my feet.
I keep shivering and I'm wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks.
Plus I'm covered with my fuzzy blanket and comforter from my bed.
But anyway, besides being cold, I haven't felt right the majority of the day.
This morning, it took me forever to wake up.
When I did wake up, I had to take my one acid reflux medicine and my gastroparesis medicine.
So I had to wait a half hour to eat breakfast.
Which I will have to do for the next gosh knows how long, every single day.
My grandpa took me out for breakfast since I was hungry and nothing in our house appealed to me.
Then we went to the grocery store to get my low fat and fat free foods.
It was kind of weird.
Like I have all these rules foods that are 'good' and 'bad' like when I had my eating disorder.
It was always difficult for me to go grocery shopping when I had my eating disorder, for obvious reasons.
It was hard with my nausea too, because sometimes the food would make me hungry and sometimes the food would make me want to throw up.
I used to be on a milk protein free diet, which made me read all the food labels.
That was terrible too, because I knew what I could eat to some extent, but reading the ingredients in everything is almost worse than the calories and food label.
I don't want to sound rude at all, but it's kind of hard grocery shopping with my grandpa or talking to him about these things.
Like my mom and grandma realize this is something I have to do for my stomach.
Yet he tends to question or work his way around everything.
I love my grandpa, and appreciate him buying me the food I need.
But the doctor told me what to do, and he wasn't there.
I feel like compromises are trying to be made here so I will eat, rather than me making the compromises so I won't have to eat.
I don't know.
I don't see myself slipping back into my anorexia because I have been eating and stuff, just substituting the lower fat stuff in.
I don't know if it will make me lose weight, but I really don't care.
Because I'm at this point where, if I stay this weight I won't care, but if I go back to where I was, I'd be okay too.
I guess the eating disorder kind of yells in our ears at times 'you should weigh less' and stuff, and I do still get that sometimes, but the important thing is I don't act on symptoms.
My stomach is somewhat more comfortable right now.
I was just having some stabbing lower abdominal pain from time to time, and some pain in my spleen area again.
I was going to take some of my pain medicine, but I'm taking my sleeping pills soon.
I'm no expert, but I don't see that ending on a good note.
I think that my multivitamins with iron have been helping somewhat because I'm not really lightheaded anymore.
I am however extremely fatigued.
I feel like I have to rely on antidepressants and caffeine to stay awake, which is not what I want.
I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to give him and update, and e-mail my other doctor to let him know what's going on with my fatigue.
I kind of feel a slight relapse in my chronic fatigue syndrome.
I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more, and I hate it.
It's not like depression, like oh I wish I could sleep all day.
It's more like I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do.
I feel almost like a walking zombie, who also happens to be freezing cold.
I just want to curl up under my covers and crash for the night, which I will most likely do after I get all my pills down.
Like, I didn't know it was humanly possible to be this cold.
Especially after drinking hot green tea.
It feels like someone is rubbing ice cubes on my feet.
I keep shivering and I'm wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks.
Plus I'm covered with my fuzzy blanket and comforter from my bed.
But anyway, besides being cold, I haven't felt right the majority of the day.
This morning, it took me forever to wake up.
When I did wake up, I had to take my one acid reflux medicine and my gastroparesis medicine.
So I had to wait a half hour to eat breakfast.
Which I will have to do for the next gosh knows how long, every single day.
My grandpa took me out for breakfast since I was hungry and nothing in our house appealed to me.
Then we went to the grocery store to get my low fat and fat free foods.
It was kind of weird.
Like I have all these rules foods that are 'good' and 'bad' like when I had my eating disorder.
It was always difficult for me to go grocery shopping when I had my eating disorder, for obvious reasons.
It was hard with my nausea too, because sometimes the food would make me hungry and sometimes the food would make me want to throw up.
I used to be on a milk protein free diet, which made me read all the food labels.
That was terrible too, because I knew what I could eat to some extent, but reading the ingredients in everything is almost worse than the calories and food label.
I don't want to sound rude at all, but it's kind of hard grocery shopping with my grandpa or talking to him about these things.
Like my mom and grandma realize this is something I have to do for my stomach.
Yet he tends to question or work his way around everything.
I love my grandpa, and appreciate him buying me the food I need.
But the doctor told me what to do, and he wasn't there.
I feel like compromises are trying to be made here so I will eat, rather than me making the compromises so I won't have to eat.
I don't know.
I don't see myself slipping back into my anorexia because I have been eating and stuff, just substituting the lower fat stuff in.
I don't know if it will make me lose weight, but I really don't care.
Because I'm at this point where, if I stay this weight I won't care, but if I go back to where I was, I'd be okay too.
I guess the eating disorder kind of yells in our ears at times 'you should weigh less' and stuff, and I do still get that sometimes, but the important thing is I don't act on symptoms.
My stomach is somewhat more comfortable right now.
I was just having some stabbing lower abdominal pain from time to time, and some pain in my spleen area again.
I was going to take some of my pain medicine, but I'm taking my sleeping pills soon.
I'm no expert, but I don't see that ending on a good note.
I think that my multivitamins with iron have been helping somewhat because I'm not really lightheaded anymore.
I am however extremely fatigued.
I feel like I have to rely on antidepressants and caffeine to stay awake, which is not what I want.
I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to give him and update, and e-mail my other doctor to let him know what's going on with my fatigue.
I kind of feel a slight relapse in my chronic fatigue syndrome.
I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more, and I hate it.
It's not like depression, like oh I wish I could sleep all day.
It's more like I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do.
I feel almost like a walking zombie, who also happens to be freezing cold.
I just want to curl up under my covers and crash for the night, which I will most likely do after I get all my pills down.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Club Can't Handle Me
I love this song. I love David Guetta and his music, of course, and this song is one of my favorites. It kind of puts you in a good mood, and want to party or something. This is 'Club Can't Handle Me' by David Guetta and Flo Rida.
Bring Me Up, Bring Me Down
So I saw my new doctor today, bright and early this morning.
I hate waking up early, not only because I like sleeping in, but because I physically do not feel rested if I get up early, no matter what time I go to bed.
I guess it's my chronic fatigue and insomnia.
But anyway, she is actually a really nice doctor, from what I can tell so far.
She just talks really fast.
I do miss my old doctor but I guess if I have to have someone else she will be a good choice.
Basically, my nausea and discomfort and not being hungry is because of my gastroparesis.
I guess I should kind of explain the whole concept of that, since it's kind of a long and strange word.
I never heard of it before in my life before I was diagnosed with it.
Basically, I had trouble eating like a long time ago.
I would have nausea, acid reflux, heartburn, and I would throw up a lot.
Those were the days where I would actually throw up.
I had a feeding tube because basically it was difficult to eat and I would throw up, and obviously lost weight.
I don't really remember much from that time.
In fact, I don't really remember much of anything because I'm in this like brain fog right now.
But anyway, when I got the feeding tube out, they decided to do a gastric emptying study or test or whatever.
They made me eat really nasty scrambled eggs with radioactive stuff in them.
Then they would scan my stomach every so often, like every half hour, to see what was going on with the eggs in my stomach.
My doctor called that same night and said that I have delayed gastric emptying, also known as gastroparesis, and that I need to take medication an hour before breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
It worked really well, and eventually I got off of the medication.
Recently I've been having a relapse of these symptoms, so I'm back on the medication, this time a half hour before lunch and dinner.
The whole breakfast thing didn't work, but I'm going to try it again since I take antacids at that time anyway.
Well what I'm trying to say is with gastroparesis, food basically sits in my stomach and makes me uncomfortable and can't pass through my stomach for awhile.
Hence my gastric emptying is delayed.
So now I'm on a low fat and low fiber diet to try to control my symptoms.
The doctor said it's like night and day for most people.
I really haven't had low fat stuff since I was into my eating disorder.
I have faith in myself that I won't relapse or anything.
It's just going to weird.
Like, I'm not anorexic (I know the medical charts say I am but I'm not acting on symptoms, so you see what I mean), and I'm not overweight or anything, but I'm eating low fat stuff?
I'm basically going from two percent milk to one percent, and regular yogurt to low fat yogurt, and peanut butter to low fat peanut butter, and whole grain cereal to regular low calorie cereal.
Most people would honestly yell at me for eating that kind of stuff while working past an eating disorder.
Trust me, it feels strange for me too.
I'm comfortable with the higher calorie foods now, and have finally convinced myself that they are totally fine to eat.
Now it goes back to moderation, and watching what I eat.
I'm totally not going to obsess.
Like I planned it out in my head what I'm going to try to do.
I'm going to buy these foods that are on the doctor's list.
When I want to eat something, I will just look like I always do and eat what I'm hungry for.
If I want milk though I will grab the one with lower fat, and if I want ice cream I will go for the lower fat kind, but if I want something else for dessert, that's not going to stop me from eating it.
I guess the key here is moderation.
I'm still doing my three meals and two snacks.
My paper the doctor gave me says I can drink Gatorade, diet soft drinks, tea, coffee, fruit juices, and water, which is basically all I drink anyway, so that sounds good to me.
I guess it really isn't that bad.
She did, however, take me off my my IBS medicine for right now.
I'm going to try going without it and just take it when I have pain, like spasm pain in my intestines or something, which I know what it feels like.
My appetite is still kind of funky, but it is improving.
I just get nauseous a lot still.
I get feelings like, oh my gosh, I'm going to throw up, I'm going to throw up, and my stomach gets so queasy, and I feel uncomfortable, but I have my nausea medicine, which like all of my other stomach pills, I have been told not to be hesitant to take.
I haven't been having fevers as recently either.
I still get the chills a lot, like right now, but it's manageable with a good sweatshirt and comfortable pants.
I have been having a lot of exhaustion, and like this brain fog type of thing.
I really cannot function in the morning, then at lunch I have food and caffeine and I'm fine, then I cannot function, then I eat dinner and I'm fine, and so it goes.
It's like my body is using up the calories so fast for energy, yet my weight is going slightly up, not down.
It's just weird, but I guess it's my chronic fatigue mixed with everything else, and starting and stopping stomach medicine could be contributing factors.
Basically I'm a little more comfortable, I'm managing, and I'm surviving.
I hate waking up early, not only because I like sleeping in, but because I physically do not feel rested if I get up early, no matter what time I go to bed.
I guess it's my chronic fatigue and insomnia.
But anyway, she is actually a really nice doctor, from what I can tell so far.
She just talks really fast.
I do miss my old doctor but I guess if I have to have someone else she will be a good choice.
Basically, my nausea and discomfort and not being hungry is because of my gastroparesis.
I guess I should kind of explain the whole concept of that, since it's kind of a long and strange word.
I never heard of it before in my life before I was diagnosed with it.
Basically, I had trouble eating like a long time ago.
I would have nausea, acid reflux, heartburn, and I would throw up a lot.
Those were the days where I would actually throw up.
I had a feeding tube because basically it was difficult to eat and I would throw up, and obviously lost weight.
I don't really remember much from that time.
In fact, I don't really remember much of anything because I'm in this like brain fog right now.
But anyway, when I got the feeding tube out, they decided to do a gastric emptying study or test or whatever.
They made me eat really nasty scrambled eggs with radioactive stuff in them.
Then they would scan my stomach every so often, like every half hour, to see what was going on with the eggs in my stomach.
My doctor called that same night and said that I have delayed gastric emptying, also known as gastroparesis, and that I need to take medication an hour before breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
It worked really well, and eventually I got off of the medication.
Recently I've been having a relapse of these symptoms, so I'm back on the medication, this time a half hour before lunch and dinner.
The whole breakfast thing didn't work, but I'm going to try it again since I take antacids at that time anyway.
Well what I'm trying to say is with gastroparesis, food basically sits in my stomach and makes me uncomfortable and can't pass through my stomach for awhile.
Hence my gastric emptying is delayed.
So now I'm on a low fat and low fiber diet to try to control my symptoms.
The doctor said it's like night and day for most people.
I really haven't had low fat stuff since I was into my eating disorder.
I have faith in myself that I won't relapse or anything.
It's just going to weird.
Like, I'm not anorexic (I know the medical charts say I am but I'm not acting on symptoms, so you see what I mean), and I'm not overweight or anything, but I'm eating low fat stuff?
I'm basically going from two percent milk to one percent, and regular yogurt to low fat yogurt, and peanut butter to low fat peanut butter, and whole grain cereal to regular low calorie cereal.
Most people would honestly yell at me for eating that kind of stuff while working past an eating disorder.
Trust me, it feels strange for me too.
I'm comfortable with the higher calorie foods now, and have finally convinced myself that they are totally fine to eat.
Now it goes back to moderation, and watching what I eat.
I'm totally not going to obsess.
Like I planned it out in my head what I'm going to try to do.
I'm going to buy these foods that are on the doctor's list.
When I want to eat something, I will just look like I always do and eat what I'm hungry for.
If I want milk though I will grab the one with lower fat, and if I want ice cream I will go for the lower fat kind, but if I want something else for dessert, that's not going to stop me from eating it.
I guess the key here is moderation.
I'm still doing my three meals and two snacks.
My paper the doctor gave me says I can drink Gatorade, diet soft drinks, tea, coffee, fruit juices, and water, which is basically all I drink anyway, so that sounds good to me.
I guess it really isn't that bad.
She did, however, take me off my my IBS medicine for right now.
I'm going to try going without it and just take it when I have pain, like spasm pain in my intestines or something, which I know what it feels like.
My appetite is still kind of funky, but it is improving.
I just get nauseous a lot still.
I get feelings like, oh my gosh, I'm going to throw up, I'm going to throw up, and my stomach gets so queasy, and I feel uncomfortable, but I have my nausea medicine, which like all of my other stomach pills, I have been told not to be hesitant to take.
I haven't been having fevers as recently either.
I still get the chills a lot, like right now, but it's manageable with a good sweatshirt and comfortable pants.
I have been having a lot of exhaustion, and like this brain fog type of thing.
I really cannot function in the morning, then at lunch I have food and caffeine and I'm fine, then I cannot function, then I eat dinner and I'm fine, and so it goes.
It's like my body is using up the calories so fast for energy, yet my weight is going slightly up, not down.
It's just weird, but I guess it's my chronic fatigue mixed with everything else, and starting and stopping stomach medicine could be contributing factors.
Basically I'm a little more comfortable, I'm managing, and I'm surviving.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Rise Above This
This is a very powerful song. This song gives me the inspiration I need to keep going sometimes. It shows that even if you think you're at your breaking point, there are people out there. I just love this song in general too. It gives me hope and that kind of thing too. This is 'Rise Above This' by Seether.
Close My Eyes, Here Ya Are
I could not post anything last night to save my soul.
I was just in a weird mood.
I was angry and frustrated, and didn't know where to go with my writing.
So I guess I will post what's going on today and what went on yesterday right now, and then post something else to make up for it later tonight.
Tomorrow I have an appointment at that hospital I was talking about with a new doctor for my digestive problems.
It's kind of good to go and be able to talk to a doctor about the problems I've been having with nausea and having not much of an appetite and stuff, yet at the same time it's not.
I really don't feel like going through a medical history first thing in the morning, with a strange person, asking me questions about my past.
I hate the questioning about my past, because in my opinion it's my past for a reason.
I really wish she could just read my records or talk to my old doctor and figure out what she needs to know.
In reality, that's not going to happen.
It's going to be me sitting on the exam table, explaining all of my problems, my anorexia, my bulimia, my depression, my anxiety, my post-traumatic stress disorder, my hospitalizations, my medications, etc.
I just get kind of scared because this lady is going to be managing my medication for the next, gosh knows how long, and managing my life.
I finally learned to trust my old doctor, and now this new lady is taking his place, just because I turned eighteen and he doesn't feel he can properly treat me anymore.
The other probelm is that I don't like talking to strangers about my personal life.
Like when I go to the emergency room and they say 'oh, I see you're bulimic...' or 'why do you have post traumatic stress disorder, what happened...' or one time I even got 'why do you have gastroparesis, because you don't just get gastroparesis for no reason, so why do you have it'.
I know I used to be anorexic, I know I used to be bulimic, I know I used to have bad habits and tendencies, I used to be a depressed and anxious mess, and I don't want to go for a walk in the park with those thoughts.
I'm there for my acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, gastroparesis (delayed gastric emptying), and my nausea, not to talk about how I'm doing with my eating disorder.
When I say I'm not hungry to anyone, they automatically think I'm anxious or scared of food or whatever and don't want to eat.
But if you know me, you know that I'm just plain not hungry, and my nausea is terrible.
It's not freaking in my head.
I guess that's my biggest fear because I hate it when people think I'm crazy or making up my symptoms.
I had a doctor once tell me that I had a 'brain chemical imbalance' causing my problems.
No freaking duh, I know that my chemicals are out of wack, why else would I be talking to you?!
He also told me to exercise in the dead of Summer for a half hour, no matter how bad I felt.
Well I was there for lightheadedness and fatigue, so you can see why I changed doctors.
I didn't need an exercise program to kill me, I needed something to make me feel better.
Summing this up, I don't know how this will end, but I just hope she actually listens to me and doesn't make me seem like I exaggerate or whatever.
I know for a fact that I have terrible nausea, and it's uncomfortable, and annoying.
I went out to dinner with my parents and grandparents for my grandpa's birthday and I ate about half of my meal, and of course wanted something for dessert.
I got this like mini-brownie with ice cream on top, and I mean it was so small.
I ate half of it, and it was so good, the chocolate with the hot fudge and everything.
I was eating it, and then all of a sudden it was like I can't do this, I'm going to be sick.
I took one of my nausea pills.
I took another bite, and if I would have taken another, it wouldn't have been pretty.
I want to be able to eat a mini-brownie with a spoonfull of ice cream on it.
Heck, I want to be able to eat a regular sized brownie.
I want to be able to eat a scoop of ice cream with sprinkles, not just half of a little cup of coffee ice cream loaded with sprinkles.
I don't want to drink pumpkin pie coffee, I want to eat pumpkin pie.
I think you get the picture.
I was just in a weird mood.
I was angry and frustrated, and didn't know where to go with my writing.
So I guess I will post what's going on today and what went on yesterday right now, and then post something else to make up for it later tonight.
Tomorrow I have an appointment at that hospital I was talking about with a new doctor for my digestive problems.
It's kind of good to go and be able to talk to a doctor about the problems I've been having with nausea and having not much of an appetite and stuff, yet at the same time it's not.
I really don't feel like going through a medical history first thing in the morning, with a strange person, asking me questions about my past.
I hate the questioning about my past, because in my opinion it's my past for a reason.
I really wish she could just read my records or talk to my old doctor and figure out what she needs to know.
In reality, that's not going to happen.
It's going to be me sitting on the exam table, explaining all of my problems, my anorexia, my bulimia, my depression, my anxiety, my post-traumatic stress disorder, my hospitalizations, my medications, etc.
I just get kind of scared because this lady is going to be managing my medication for the next, gosh knows how long, and managing my life.
I finally learned to trust my old doctor, and now this new lady is taking his place, just because I turned eighteen and he doesn't feel he can properly treat me anymore.
The other probelm is that I don't like talking to strangers about my personal life.
Like when I go to the emergency room and they say 'oh, I see you're bulimic...' or 'why do you have post traumatic stress disorder, what happened...' or one time I even got 'why do you have gastroparesis, because you don't just get gastroparesis for no reason, so why do you have it'.
I know I used to be anorexic, I know I used to be bulimic, I know I used to have bad habits and tendencies, I used to be a depressed and anxious mess, and I don't want to go for a walk in the park with those thoughts.
I'm there for my acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, gastroparesis (delayed gastric emptying), and my nausea, not to talk about how I'm doing with my eating disorder.
When I say I'm not hungry to anyone, they automatically think I'm anxious or scared of food or whatever and don't want to eat.
But if you know me, you know that I'm just plain not hungry, and my nausea is terrible.
It's not freaking in my head.
I guess that's my biggest fear because I hate it when people think I'm crazy or making up my symptoms.
I had a doctor once tell me that I had a 'brain chemical imbalance' causing my problems.
No freaking duh, I know that my chemicals are out of wack, why else would I be talking to you?!
He also told me to exercise in the dead of Summer for a half hour, no matter how bad I felt.
Well I was there for lightheadedness and fatigue, so you can see why I changed doctors.
I didn't need an exercise program to kill me, I needed something to make me feel better.
Summing this up, I don't know how this will end, but I just hope she actually listens to me and doesn't make me seem like I exaggerate or whatever.
I know for a fact that I have terrible nausea, and it's uncomfortable, and annoying.
I went out to dinner with my parents and grandparents for my grandpa's birthday and I ate about half of my meal, and of course wanted something for dessert.
I got this like mini-brownie with ice cream on top, and I mean it was so small.
I ate half of it, and it was so good, the chocolate with the hot fudge and everything.
I was eating it, and then all of a sudden it was like I can't do this, I'm going to be sick.
I took one of my nausea pills.
I took another bite, and if I would have taken another, it wouldn't have been pretty.
I want to be able to eat a mini-brownie with a spoonfull of ice cream on it.
Heck, I want to be able to eat a regular sized brownie.
I want to be able to eat a scoop of ice cream with sprinkles, not just half of a little cup of coffee ice cream loaded with sprinkles.
I don't want to drink pumpkin pie coffee, I want to eat pumpkin pie.
I think you get the picture.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
In A Moment Like This
I found this song randomly this Summer and immediately fell in love with it. As I stumbled upon this, I automatically got chills, I mean this song is beautiful, powerful, and I just love love love it. I remember playing it for my mom and dad for the first time when we were stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the beach last July. So this song is 'In A Moment Like This' by Chanee and n'evergreen.
I Would Say I'm Doing Just Fine
Surprisingly, I'm in a pretty good mood right now.
I have been having mood swings, for obvious reasons.
Plus I was going to take my depression medicine but then I got acid reflux and couldn't swallow the pills.
I slept a lot a lot today, but now at least I feel rested for once.
It will take me awhile to fall asleep, but it's okay as long as my mood is okay.
I was actually able to eat a little more normally today.
I had breakfast, and then fell asleep again.
I was kind of dizzy so I took my medicine for when I get dizzy when I ate lunch.
I was craving Chinese food, so we went to this Chinese buffet so I could choose whatever I wanted.
I picked what appealed to me, and I ate it, and was able to enjoy the food for once in a blue moon.
I even had a little bit of coffee flavored ice cream for dessert.
After that my mom and I worked on my grandma's get well presents and my grandpa's birthday presents and photos from my bedroom.
Then I came down with heartburn, which is odd because I've been taking antacids every day, three times a day.
It was like burning between my chest and my throat, and the feeling that I just wanted to spit the acid away.
I went to the bathroom and gagged for like a minute, but then pulled myself away, because I'm finally realizing that I have the strength to fight through the nausea, unless it's getting really really super bad that is.
My mom took me to get a snack, a fudge brownie cream ice, which I was able to eat too, except there were no brownie pieces in it which was kind of sad.
I fell asleep again when I got home.
I woke up and was able to eat dinner, and a normal sized dinner at that.
I even had dessert again, Oreos, the Halloween ones with the orange icing.
You're probably thinking that all I eat is junk since that's what I talk about, but really I just don't want to trigger anyone with my meal descriptions, calories, portion sizes or anything.
Yes, I can eat dessert and not flip out or even think twice.
I just let my mom read all of my blog posts.
I wasn't sure who all I was going to share my blog with, but she lives with me, so she knows basically how I'm feeling anyway.
Right now I'm having extreme hot flashes and a temperature of around 100.5.
I'm going to start taking my vitamins tonight with the extra iron.
I realized that I can't take them with my antacids, so I have to wait until bed time.
Well the next few days are going to be eventful, which I am looking forward to.
Monday I'm giving my grandma her get well presents and hanging out with them and hopefully with my boyfriend.
I'm going to try to get my grandma to color with me in the Hello Kitty coloring books I got us and let her sit with her leg up.
I'm also going to try to go for a walk with my grandpa, or even just walk down to the stop sign with my grandma to give her a chance to stretch her legs and back
Tuesday I'm giving my grandpa his birthday present from me, which is a picture collage.
By the way, they're playing David Guetta on the radio and I love David Guetta and his music.
But anyway, then hopefully he will go out to eat for his birthday with me and my grandma.
My dad has off that day, and always blabs about going here or there but never does.
He might come with us.
My mom has to work, unfortunately, but I invited my boyfriend if he wants to come if my dad doesn't end up staying sedentary.
Then Wednesday morning I meet with my new GI doctor in this big hospital place about an hour away.
I'm stuck switching from pediatrics to adult stuff, since I'm eighteen.
It's kind of sad because I really like my old GI doctor, and he's seen me through a lot.
He actually did my colonoscopy and endoscopy, admitted me for my feeding tube, did a million emergency weekend calls with me, and talked me through a lot.
I hated him in the beginning, but he is such a good doctor.
He also found out that I had delayed gastric emptying and called my house that exact night to tell my mom because he was happy to have found an answer to some of my pain.
He worked with my through my IBS, acid reflux, intestinal bacterial infections, many medicine changes, etc.
So needless to say I'm going to miss him but I'm giving him a good bye present in January when I see him one last time which is a copy of my book I wrote for my senior project.
I really hope I can keep my treatment team, the rest of them, for awhile, because in a patient - doctor relationship, I love them.
I have great doctors, and as much as I say they annoy me or whatever, they mean the best and care about me.
I'm so thankful that right now I'm not nauseous.
I'm a little bit bloated and uncomfortable, but that's better than feeling like I have to throw up at least.
At least things are looking okay for right now.
I have been having mood swings, for obvious reasons.
Plus I was going to take my depression medicine but then I got acid reflux and couldn't swallow the pills.
I slept a lot a lot today, but now at least I feel rested for once.
It will take me awhile to fall asleep, but it's okay as long as my mood is okay.
I was actually able to eat a little more normally today.
I had breakfast, and then fell asleep again.
I was kind of dizzy so I took my medicine for when I get dizzy when I ate lunch.
I was craving Chinese food, so we went to this Chinese buffet so I could choose whatever I wanted.
I picked what appealed to me, and I ate it, and was able to enjoy the food for once in a blue moon.
I even had a little bit of coffee flavored ice cream for dessert.
After that my mom and I worked on my grandma's get well presents and my grandpa's birthday presents and photos from my bedroom.
Then I came down with heartburn, which is odd because I've been taking antacids every day, three times a day.
It was like burning between my chest and my throat, and the feeling that I just wanted to spit the acid away.
I went to the bathroom and gagged for like a minute, but then pulled myself away, because I'm finally realizing that I have the strength to fight through the nausea, unless it's getting really really super bad that is.
My mom took me to get a snack, a fudge brownie cream ice, which I was able to eat too, except there were no brownie pieces in it which was kind of sad.
I fell asleep again when I got home.
I woke up and was able to eat dinner, and a normal sized dinner at that.
I even had dessert again, Oreos, the Halloween ones with the orange icing.
You're probably thinking that all I eat is junk since that's what I talk about, but really I just don't want to trigger anyone with my meal descriptions, calories, portion sizes or anything.
Yes, I can eat dessert and not flip out or even think twice.
I just let my mom read all of my blog posts.
I wasn't sure who all I was going to share my blog with, but she lives with me, so she knows basically how I'm feeling anyway.
Right now I'm having extreme hot flashes and a temperature of around 100.5.
I'm going to start taking my vitamins tonight with the extra iron.
I realized that I can't take them with my antacids, so I have to wait until bed time.
Well the next few days are going to be eventful, which I am looking forward to.
Monday I'm giving my grandma her get well presents and hanging out with them and hopefully with my boyfriend.
I'm going to try to get my grandma to color with me in the Hello Kitty coloring books I got us and let her sit with her leg up.
I'm also going to try to go for a walk with my grandpa, or even just walk down to the stop sign with my grandma to give her a chance to stretch her legs and back
Tuesday I'm giving my grandpa his birthday present from me, which is a picture collage.
By the way, they're playing David Guetta on the radio and I love David Guetta and his music.
But anyway, then hopefully he will go out to eat for his birthday with me and my grandma.
My dad has off that day, and always blabs about going here or there but never does.
He might come with us.
My mom has to work, unfortunately, but I invited my boyfriend if he wants to come if my dad doesn't end up staying sedentary.
Then Wednesday morning I meet with my new GI doctor in this big hospital place about an hour away.
I'm stuck switching from pediatrics to adult stuff, since I'm eighteen.
It's kind of sad because I really like my old GI doctor, and he's seen me through a lot.
He actually did my colonoscopy and endoscopy, admitted me for my feeding tube, did a million emergency weekend calls with me, and talked me through a lot.
I hated him in the beginning, but he is such a good doctor.
He also found out that I had delayed gastric emptying and called my house that exact night to tell my mom because he was happy to have found an answer to some of my pain.
He worked with my through my IBS, acid reflux, intestinal bacterial infections, many medicine changes, etc.
So needless to say I'm going to miss him but I'm giving him a good bye present in January when I see him one last time which is a copy of my book I wrote for my senior project.
I really hope I can keep my treatment team, the rest of them, for awhile, because in a patient - doctor relationship, I love them.
I have great doctors, and as much as I say they annoy me or whatever, they mean the best and care about me.
I'm so thankful that right now I'm not nauseous.
I'm a little bit bloated and uncomfortable, but that's better than feeling like I have to throw up at least.
At least things are looking okay for right now.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Complicated
This is an old song, but still an amazing one at that. This is almost exactly how I'm feeling right now, so this song is a perfect fit. This is 'Complicated' by Avril Lavigne.
This One's For You And Me
I feel like I could throw up any second.
Of course I know this isn't true because my body physically will never let me throw up.
I'm terribly uncomfortable.
I feel like I should be in the bathroom over the toilet, it's that bad, but what good would it do me?
It would be futile.
I would just be gagging and making my body feel worse.
I can just feel my stomach churning, the nausea getting worse, my body getting hot, my mouth salivating, my throat feeling tight, all that good stuff.
I'm like having extreme hot flashes and chills, mixed every few minutes.
I just took my temperature, and I have a fever, but low grade, not semi-high like usual.
Even though I used to purge, at this point in my life I hate throwing up as much as the next guy.
I really want some symptom relief, but what more can I do?
I took nausea medicine earlier, antacids, and my delayed gastric emptying medicine.
I really can't take anything, unless I take spasm medicine, but I'm not even having spasms, or more antacids, but I'm not having reflux or pain.
Plus I'm calm, I'm not like flipping out and pacing the floor like 'oh my gosh, got to throw up, got to throw up' like I do sometimes.
I could barely eat at all day.
I ate breakfast, which went pretty okay.
I wasn't very hungry, but I did have a twinge of hunger, and was able to eat.
I couldn't finish my chocolate milk though, which would have been no problem before.
It just didn't taste right, and I love chocolate milk from time to time.
Lunch was super hard.
My grandma and grandpa came over and were going to eat lunch with my mom and me.
They asked me what I wanted, and I honestly didn't know what to say, because food was the last thing my stomach and I wanted to think about.
So we decided and I ate a little, but I had to leave the table because I felt sick to my stomach after eating half of my lunch.
My mom and grandma and I went shopping for my grandpa's birthday, which worked pretty good, because then we got coffee and I had a little something to eat.
It was nice to just sit down, because my feet and legs were killing me, and we just went to one store.
We talked for a little bit, me and my mom and grandma.
Then my mom and I got the other stuff we needed at the store, and by that time, I was exhausted.
So I came home and fell asleep.
I woke up after about two hours and was a little hungry.
I was able to eat dinner and drink some green tea, and even have a little bit for dessert.
Then the nausea came, with a vengeance.
I was so hot from drinking my green tea, but now I'm getting periodic chills and shivering.
I really don't like to complain and all that, but I just feel so sick.
Of course, I won't be able to go to sleep for awhile because I took a nap because well, that's how it always works.
My grandma wants to go out to eat tomorrow with my aunt who's in town from down south, and I really want to go and hang out with them for awhile.
Yet at the same time, I don't know how I could even begin to eat at a real restaurant.
I really don't think I lost weight or anything, which of course isn't the goal, but my pants were kind of loose today.
I mean I almost have to lose weight for the amount of food I'm able to eat.
My doctor said I should start a multivitamin with iron because obviously my iron levels are low, and he doesn't want any other levels to get low because of my eating habits.
I got a kid's dose with extra iron, and I'm going to just take two like I did before.
Before I went to sleep, I was thinking, like I usually do.
I was thinking how there's just something not right about this world.
Nothing really feels right.
Like today, I love shopping, my mood was fine, but I feel like I was contemplating everything, like should I do this, what should I do, what what what?
Sometimes, I honestly just want to live in my little bubble with my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and my boyfriend can be there too, because, with a few exceptions, those are the only people I feel true emotion towards.
No offense, I do care about other people, like my aunts, my other grandparents, some friends, etc.
I kind of just want to be in this little world with them.
I know they try to understand me, they love me, and they've basically seen me through it all.
I don't feel like I want much of anything to do with many people.
They just don't understand how I feel.
I know if I saw a medical professional right now, I'd leave in tears, because I feel like so horrible all over and nobody seems to be able to get it.
Nobody fully understands it, or me either for that matter.
I guess that's why I'm at the point where I'm like, what do I do, what do I do?
I mean, like the song says, how many times can I break til I shatter? Honestly?
I feel for my mom, because she's laying on the couch feeling sick too.
I feel for my grandma, because she's still in a lot of pain and uncomfortable, and doesn't feel good either.
I feel for my boyfriend, who is grounded for basically no reason, and is just sitting around.
I feel for my grandpa, and the daily pain he goes through with his arthritis.
Like I said before, I feel betrayed by a lot of people.
Tonight was homecoming and I saw the students all up my grandma and grandpa's street in their dresses and fancy clothes, and I just want to spit at them.
I saw one of my old friends at the store, well she was in band with me, we weren't good friends or anything, but I automatically turned the other way and basically ran.
I mean it's not like she wanted to see me either, because she was in line right behind me and didn't say a word.
I just turned the other way, texted my boyfriend, talked to my mom, and wanted to shake her and say what the heck is your problem?!
I saw some students too walking around the store in their homecoming clothes, and I just wanted to yell get the heck away from me!
I know it sounds like I'm isolating or whatever, but first of all I feel sick, second I'm annoyed, and third I have this anger towards a lot of people.
I don't care if anyone tries to analyze this, no offense to my therapist, but I honestly don't care.
Think what you want of me, really, go ahead.
I think that most people on this earth are worthless pieces of crap, with few exceptions.
I apologize for my attitude if you think I have an attitude, but at this point I just want to say whatever, and hit the guy singing this song on the radio in the face, because he's annoying me with his rapping.
Note, I am not a violent person physically by any means, in fact I'm pretty much one of the gentlest people you'll ever meet, but I have the right to feel like everyone else.
So to the world, please just shut up and leave me alone for right now!
Of course I know this isn't true because my body physically will never let me throw up.
I'm terribly uncomfortable.
I feel like I should be in the bathroom over the toilet, it's that bad, but what good would it do me?
It would be futile.
I would just be gagging and making my body feel worse.
I can just feel my stomach churning, the nausea getting worse, my body getting hot, my mouth salivating, my throat feeling tight, all that good stuff.
I'm like having extreme hot flashes and chills, mixed every few minutes.
I just took my temperature, and I have a fever, but low grade, not semi-high like usual.
Even though I used to purge, at this point in my life I hate throwing up as much as the next guy.
I really want some symptom relief, but what more can I do?
I took nausea medicine earlier, antacids, and my delayed gastric emptying medicine.
I really can't take anything, unless I take spasm medicine, but I'm not even having spasms, or more antacids, but I'm not having reflux or pain.
Plus I'm calm, I'm not like flipping out and pacing the floor like 'oh my gosh, got to throw up, got to throw up' like I do sometimes.
I could barely eat at all day.
I ate breakfast, which went pretty okay.
I wasn't very hungry, but I did have a twinge of hunger, and was able to eat.
I couldn't finish my chocolate milk though, which would have been no problem before.
It just didn't taste right, and I love chocolate milk from time to time.
Lunch was super hard.
My grandma and grandpa came over and were going to eat lunch with my mom and me.
They asked me what I wanted, and I honestly didn't know what to say, because food was the last thing my stomach and I wanted to think about.
So we decided and I ate a little, but I had to leave the table because I felt sick to my stomach after eating half of my lunch.
My mom and grandma and I went shopping for my grandpa's birthday, which worked pretty good, because then we got coffee and I had a little something to eat.
It was nice to just sit down, because my feet and legs were killing me, and we just went to one store.
We talked for a little bit, me and my mom and grandma.
Then my mom and I got the other stuff we needed at the store, and by that time, I was exhausted.
So I came home and fell asleep.
I woke up after about two hours and was a little hungry.
I was able to eat dinner and drink some green tea, and even have a little bit for dessert.
Then the nausea came, with a vengeance.
I was so hot from drinking my green tea, but now I'm getting periodic chills and shivering.
I really don't like to complain and all that, but I just feel so sick.
Of course, I won't be able to go to sleep for awhile because I took a nap because well, that's how it always works.
My grandma wants to go out to eat tomorrow with my aunt who's in town from down south, and I really want to go and hang out with them for awhile.
Yet at the same time, I don't know how I could even begin to eat at a real restaurant.
I really don't think I lost weight or anything, which of course isn't the goal, but my pants were kind of loose today.
I mean I almost have to lose weight for the amount of food I'm able to eat.
My doctor said I should start a multivitamin with iron because obviously my iron levels are low, and he doesn't want any other levels to get low because of my eating habits.
I got a kid's dose with extra iron, and I'm going to just take two like I did before.
Before I went to sleep, I was thinking, like I usually do.
I was thinking how there's just something not right about this world.
Nothing really feels right.
Like today, I love shopping, my mood was fine, but I feel like I was contemplating everything, like should I do this, what should I do, what what what?
Sometimes, I honestly just want to live in my little bubble with my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and my boyfriend can be there too, because, with a few exceptions, those are the only people I feel true emotion towards.
No offense, I do care about other people, like my aunts, my other grandparents, some friends, etc.
I kind of just want to be in this little world with them.
I know they try to understand me, they love me, and they've basically seen me through it all.
I don't feel like I want much of anything to do with many people.
They just don't understand how I feel.
I know if I saw a medical professional right now, I'd leave in tears, because I feel like so horrible all over and nobody seems to be able to get it.
Nobody fully understands it, or me either for that matter.
I guess that's why I'm at the point where I'm like, what do I do, what do I do?
I mean, like the song says, how many times can I break til I shatter? Honestly?
I feel for my mom, because she's laying on the couch feeling sick too.
I feel for my grandma, because she's still in a lot of pain and uncomfortable, and doesn't feel good either.
I feel for my boyfriend, who is grounded for basically no reason, and is just sitting around.
I feel for my grandpa, and the daily pain he goes through with his arthritis.
Like I said before, I feel betrayed by a lot of people.
Tonight was homecoming and I saw the students all up my grandma and grandpa's street in their dresses and fancy clothes, and I just want to spit at them.
I saw one of my old friends at the store, well she was in band with me, we weren't good friends or anything, but I automatically turned the other way and basically ran.
I mean it's not like she wanted to see me either, because she was in line right behind me and didn't say a word.
I just turned the other way, texted my boyfriend, talked to my mom, and wanted to shake her and say what the heck is your problem?!
I saw some students too walking around the store in their homecoming clothes, and I just wanted to yell get the heck away from me!
I know it sounds like I'm isolating or whatever, but first of all I feel sick, second I'm annoyed, and third I have this anger towards a lot of people.
I don't care if anyone tries to analyze this, no offense to my therapist, but I honestly don't care.
Think what you want of me, really, go ahead.
I think that most people on this earth are worthless pieces of crap, with few exceptions.
I apologize for my attitude if you think I have an attitude, but at this point I just want to say whatever, and hit the guy singing this song on the radio in the face, because he's annoying me with his rapping.
Note, I am not a violent person physically by any means, in fact I'm pretty much one of the gentlest people you'll ever meet, but I have the right to feel like everyone else.
So to the world, please just shut up and leave me alone for right now!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Kristy, Are You Doing Okay
This song, oh my gosh, so powerful. It's about how a girl was sexually abused during high school. The guy singing knew about it and was her neighbor, but never did anything. This is sort of like his apology to her. I actually read that, so now I'm not making it up. Sometimes this is how I feel when I think about thing in high school and stuff. Well anyway, this song is 'Kristy, Are You Doing Okay" by The Offspring.
We Can Make Some Wishes Out Of Airplanes
I don't really have an adjective to describe today, or my current mood, or anything.
It's kind of like I'm just here and I don't know how to describe it.
Probably from too much caffeine last night and I had trouble falling asleep.
I'm exhausted and I learned my lesson.
First of all, no caffeine (including diet sweet tea and diet coke) in the evening or before bed
Second, no texting random people back who text you in the middle of the night.
I did get to hang out with my boyfriend today, and my grandparents, and my mom, and dad a little bit, so it was a pretty stable day for me.
My boyfriend came over and we hung out for awhile.
Then my grandma wanted to get out of the house, so we decided to go out to eat.
I was still struggling with the food this time.
Not like in an eating disorder struggling, or anxiety struggling, but struggling with my body.
When I say body I don't mean body image either.
I just simply mean my physical symptoms.
I've said this a million times before, but I just want to eat normally again.
Breakfast is easy, but lunch was killer.
I ate all I could, and I got a brownie for dessert and wanted to eat it so bad, but my stomach was stuffed full and I didn't even eat a lot or anything.
I did get to eat my brownie later.
But anyway, my grandma had to go see her doctor because of her leg and he gave her something else to help.
She actually got an appointment which is good.
My mom, my grandma, and I are going shopping tomorrow for my grandpa's birthday presents.
I think we might go to Wal-Mart or something and get her some things to do and make her comfortable so she will stay sitting down.
I'm kind of planning on next week going on two five minute walks so she can stretch her leg and then the rest of the time she can rest.
We kind of gave up on the amusement park idea.
It's getting kind of cold here, my boyfriend can't go, and my dad doesn't really want to go since he works.
I'm kind of excited to just go shopping with my mom and grandma, like girl's day, which is always nice to have.
But anyway, when I got home I did eat my brownie and it was so good.
I couldn't eat dinner until a long time later and even then I could barely eat.
I had some apple cider hot tea which is pretty much amazing.
I just wanted to drink tea and water, almost like I was dehydrated.
I'm going to invest in some apple juice and grape juice and maybe even orange juice to try again.
I could barely eat, like I only took a few bites.
My stomach was like super bloated, and I almost started gagging on the food.
I can safely say I now know the definition of the word full.
The weird thing is, about an hour ago I got really hungry.
I was like this is so strange.
So I ate something and I'm still hungry.
I hate this feeling.
It's like, I can eat as much as I want between 10:00 at night and 10:00 in the morning, yet that's it.
I struggle with morning snacks, as in I just don't want them because of how I'm feeling, but I am going to try at least some form of liquid at that time.
Lunch, like I mentioned before, is hard.
I see all this good food, and I don't want to binge eat or anything, but I really want some kind of good food that I can eat and won't feel sick off of.
About all that works for me is coffee (in any form), hot tea, and diet coke.
I have an afternoon snack and do eat, but I'm not hungry then either.
That then makes dinner worse.
I'm stuffing myself even worse at that point.
I guess the good news is that my nausea is mostly gone.
Now if only I could get my digestive system to feel normal.
I'm hungry right now somewhat, but I don't want to eat because it's unrealistic.
By that I mean I just ate, and what else am I supposed to do?
I get so so so hungry at night, like right now.
It's a very uncomfortable feeling, I will say that.
I see a new GI doctor next week, so maybe she can help me.
Basically at this point, I want to feel better, I want my grandma to feel better, and I want my friend Veronica to start to feel better too.
I feel like I'm in such a weird place.
When I'm sick, I usually get really sad and weak, like I can't take one more step, and at times I didn't want to.
This time it's like I have the stamina.
My body wants to do things, yet I can't do them.
My mind is pretty clear too, like I'm able to talk to people just fine and be in a good mood and everything.
The good news I will say is I think my fever broke for a day, or at least went down lower.
The other thing that's on my mind is this.
When we dropped my boyfriend off at school, which is my old high school I left, the band people were walking to the field and stuff.
It's homecoming weekend.
It reminds me of all these things, and I don't necessarily like that.
I'm obviously not going to homecoming, not that I want to, but you know.
I remember when I was walking from the band room to the field with my drum on Friday afternoons.
I remember running the football field to help set up the marimbas and stuff.
I remember going to football games with my friends and drinking diet cokes because I wouldn't eat anything.
I remember getting basically kicked out of that school and getting the cold shoulder.
They wouldn't work with me or my health conditions.
In tenth grade, I was expected to go to school for two classes, ride in the car for an hour or more to go to the day program for eating disorders, and then come home each night and repeat.
Trust me, I was much happier in my cyber school.
It just bothers me, all those things that happened at that school, and how everyone treated me.
I mean, I would walk down the halls basically hyperventilating.
I got good grades, and I did every single homework assignment, but most of the teachers never liked me.
They liked my friends, but they would like ignore me, because I was smart, but I had health problems that would sometimes interfere.
Heck, I would sleep maybe four hours a night in ninth grade because I was studying all night to get good grades, and I still felt rejected.
In band, I was shunned by all the older kids.
I would go to the bathroom and purge at that school sometimes too.
This is going to sound weird, but I was terrible at purging, so I basically would just step out of class and try to purge and calm down.
In middle school even, I knew for a fact that the guys liked my body, but they never said anything.
The teachers there didn't care for me either.
I remember being in homeroom with my friends Lindsey and Jordyn.
We would all talk sometimes, and we were all good at science so we would talk to the teacher and stuff.
Well he paid attention to those two but basically ignored me.
I know I'm like ramblimg, but I also remember the office people telling me to go home and stay away or I would contaminate the whole school.
I am relieved that I did not graduate from that school, that I never got the class ring, and that I only have one sweatshirt with the band logo on.
Basically everyone I used to be friends with has stabbed me in the back and moved on with their lives.
It makes me angry.
I know I'm better off with my real friends, but it hurts.
Driving through that school parking lot was like torture.
Imagine how I felt going to their prom last year with my boyfriend.
I posted a little about that but deleted it.
If I stepped into that school, I know I would either break down or scream or run away crying or want to punch the principals or something like that.
I hate how my dad always announces how my old school kicks butt at football.
Every Friday night, I hope that they lose.
I would never wish for anyone I don't know to get hurt, but I would wish a thousand times for them to feel my pain.
It's kind of like I'm just here and I don't know how to describe it.
Probably from too much caffeine last night and I had trouble falling asleep.
I'm exhausted and I learned my lesson.
First of all, no caffeine (including diet sweet tea and diet coke) in the evening or before bed
Second, no texting random people back who text you in the middle of the night.
I did get to hang out with my boyfriend today, and my grandparents, and my mom, and dad a little bit, so it was a pretty stable day for me.
My boyfriend came over and we hung out for awhile.
Then my grandma wanted to get out of the house, so we decided to go out to eat.
I was still struggling with the food this time.
Not like in an eating disorder struggling, or anxiety struggling, but struggling with my body.
When I say body I don't mean body image either.
I just simply mean my physical symptoms.
I've said this a million times before, but I just want to eat normally again.
Breakfast is easy, but lunch was killer.
I ate all I could, and I got a brownie for dessert and wanted to eat it so bad, but my stomach was stuffed full and I didn't even eat a lot or anything.
I did get to eat my brownie later.
But anyway, my grandma had to go see her doctor because of her leg and he gave her something else to help.
She actually got an appointment which is good.
My mom, my grandma, and I are going shopping tomorrow for my grandpa's birthday presents.
I think we might go to Wal-Mart or something and get her some things to do and make her comfortable so she will stay sitting down.
I'm kind of planning on next week going on two five minute walks so she can stretch her leg and then the rest of the time she can rest.
We kind of gave up on the amusement park idea.
It's getting kind of cold here, my boyfriend can't go, and my dad doesn't really want to go since he works.
I'm kind of excited to just go shopping with my mom and grandma, like girl's day, which is always nice to have.
But anyway, when I got home I did eat my brownie and it was so good.
I couldn't eat dinner until a long time later and even then I could barely eat.
I had some apple cider hot tea which is pretty much amazing.
I just wanted to drink tea and water, almost like I was dehydrated.
I'm going to invest in some apple juice and grape juice and maybe even orange juice to try again.
I could barely eat, like I only took a few bites.
My stomach was like super bloated, and I almost started gagging on the food.
I can safely say I now know the definition of the word full.
The weird thing is, about an hour ago I got really hungry.
I was like this is so strange.
So I ate something and I'm still hungry.
I hate this feeling.
It's like, I can eat as much as I want between 10:00 at night and 10:00 in the morning, yet that's it.
I struggle with morning snacks, as in I just don't want them because of how I'm feeling, but I am going to try at least some form of liquid at that time.
Lunch, like I mentioned before, is hard.
I see all this good food, and I don't want to binge eat or anything, but I really want some kind of good food that I can eat and won't feel sick off of.
About all that works for me is coffee (in any form), hot tea, and diet coke.
I have an afternoon snack and do eat, but I'm not hungry then either.
That then makes dinner worse.
I'm stuffing myself even worse at that point.
I guess the good news is that my nausea is mostly gone.
Now if only I could get my digestive system to feel normal.
I'm hungry right now somewhat, but I don't want to eat because it's unrealistic.
By that I mean I just ate, and what else am I supposed to do?
I get so so so hungry at night, like right now.
It's a very uncomfortable feeling, I will say that.
I see a new GI doctor next week, so maybe she can help me.
Basically at this point, I want to feel better, I want my grandma to feel better, and I want my friend Veronica to start to feel better too.
I feel like I'm in such a weird place.
When I'm sick, I usually get really sad and weak, like I can't take one more step, and at times I didn't want to.
This time it's like I have the stamina.
My body wants to do things, yet I can't do them.
My mind is pretty clear too, like I'm able to talk to people just fine and be in a good mood and everything.
The good news I will say is I think my fever broke for a day, or at least went down lower.
The other thing that's on my mind is this.
When we dropped my boyfriend off at school, which is my old high school I left, the band people were walking to the field and stuff.
It's homecoming weekend.
It reminds me of all these things, and I don't necessarily like that.
I'm obviously not going to homecoming, not that I want to, but you know.
I remember when I was walking from the band room to the field with my drum on Friday afternoons.
I remember running the football field to help set up the marimbas and stuff.
I remember going to football games with my friends and drinking diet cokes because I wouldn't eat anything.
I remember getting basically kicked out of that school and getting the cold shoulder.
They wouldn't work with me or my health conditions.
In tenth grade, I was expected to go to school for two classes, ride in the car for an hour or more to go to the day program for eating disorders, and then come home each night and repeat.
Trust me, I was much happier in my cyber school.
It just bothers me, all those things that happened at that school, and how everyone treated me.
I mean, I would walk down the halls basically hyperventilating.
I got good grades, and I did every single homework assignment, but most of the teachers never liked me.
They liked my friends, but they would like ignore me, because I was smart, but I had health problems that would sometimes interfere.
Heck, I would sleep maybe four hours a night in ninth grade because I was studying all night to get good grades, and I still felt rejected.
In band, I was shunned by all the older kids.
I would go to the bathroom and purge at that school sometimes too.
This is going to sound weird, but I was terrible at purging, so I basically would just step out of class and try to purge and calm down.
In middle school even, I knew for a fact that the guys liked my body, but they never said anything.
The teachers there didn't care for me either.
I remember being in homeroom with my friends Lindsey and Jordyn.
We would all talk sometimes, and we were all good at science so we would talk to the teacher and stuff.
Well he paid attention to those two but basically ignored me.
I know I'm like ramblimg, but I also remember the office people telling me to go home and stay away or I would contaminate the whole school.
I am relieved that I did not graduate from that school, that I never got the class ring, and that I only have one sweatshirt with the band logo on.
Basically everyone I used to be friends with has stabbed me in the back and moved on with their lives.
It makes me angry.
I know I'm better off with my real friends, but it hurts.
Driving through that school parking lot was like torture.
Imagine how I felt going to their prom last year with my boyfriend.
I posted a little about that but deleted it.
If I stepped into that school, I know I would either break down or scream or run away crying or want to punch the principals or something like that.
I hate how my dad always announces how my old school kicks butt at football.
Every Friday night, I hope that they lose.
I would never wish for anyone I don't know to get hurt, but I would wish a thousand times for them to feel my pain.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Great Escape
This song has a lot of meaning to me. It was a song I used to listen to in Drumline with my old friends when we'd go get ice cream. Long story short, they ended up hating me and made me feel like I was this terrible person, well the majority of them, because I was younger. I went to a Boys Like Girls concert with my grandparents about four years ago and when they played this song, I went up like everyone else and rocked out. At that point, I was kind of like, I can do this, I can do this. I'm not terrible. Well, it didn't really work, as much as I hoped it would have. I think however I'm at a better place now and this song does have more meaning to me. So anyway this is 'The Great Escape' by Boys Like Girls.
Throw Away All Your Problems
Today wasn't terrible by any means, just, I guess I was just feeling, different.
Some good, some okay.
At some points I've felt really good and at others I've felt really sick.
When I woke up this morning, I felt really good.
I was a little hot, but I wasn't dizzy, or tired, or nauseous, or in pain.
When I got to my grandparent's house I got extremely tired.
Like I sat down and I was fighting to stay awake.
If you know me, you know that I sleep when I have to, but if I can stay awake I prefer to.
I ate lunch and took my medication and I felt better.
I had Chai Tea (decaf) with my lunch, which is so good.
I'm like addicted to coffee and tea now.
I still had to force myself to eat because I still have zero appetite.
I love fruit, and I couldn't eat some kinds because of my acid reflux.
Well I tried orange slices yesterday and pineapple chunks today with an antacid and I had no heartburn, which makes me happy in some weird way.
Well then I got my SAT scores, and I rocked it (above the average).
I'm so happy and relieved.
My mom got me congrats balloons, which are cute.
I feel like at that point, I should have been running around the house celebrating, which I did to some extent.
But I wasn't my usual perky self at that moment.
I guess I was purely exhausted because I went home and fell asleep.
I had a fever of over 100 also, which like knocks me out.
I feel like my stomach medicine is somewhat working in terms of nausea.
I was hungry for dinner so I ate a sandwich and microwave popcorn, and it actually popped this time.
The only problem is I'm constantly stuffed and don't want to eat.
Not like in an eating disorder, restricting way, but in a I have no appetite at all kind of thing.
Right now I'm so freaking hot I can barely standing.
My skin feels like it's on fire.
I just took my temperature and I still have the same degree of fever.
I'm supposed to call my doctor tomorrow and give him a progress report.
I plan on getting my vitamins this weekend because even though I'm less fatigued, when I stand up I see spots a few times a day.
It's no where blacking out, but its kind of like I lose my balance and have to focus on standing up and see tiny black spots for a few seconds.
It's not like it never happened before, so it doesn't really freak me out at this point.
What I'm doing now is still working on my motivational posters.
I changed my mind of the design of them a dozen times or so, but I finally found something and am making myself to stick to it.
They look really cool.
I'm making posters with inspirational quotes and pictures on them from my camera, and even some my mom, dad, and grandpa took.
Then I'm going to put them in a photo album so that I can see them when I need a little boost.
I'm making one for some of my family members and my boyfriend.
I got the photo books and glittery stickers for them along with tiny jewels, and I must say they look awesome.
I was going to go to this amusement park on Saturday for the Halloween thing with my mom, dad, and boyfriend, except now my dad has to work so he doesn't want to go, and my boyfriend can't go, and my grandparents can walk all over because of my grandma's leg.
My mom and I might go anyway.
I love going places and holidays, especially Halloween, and Christmas and Thanksgiving and my birthday of course.
So tomorrow I'm going to try to hang out with my boyfriend and my grandparents.
My grandma needs to go get my grandpa pants for his birthday, so we might just all go and then go out to eat somewhere.
I might want another pumpkin pie cream ice too!
So overall, my mood is pretty good right now.
I guess before I just really, really, needed sleep.
I feel so good when I'm rested, but when I start to get tired it's like I'm in a battle, fighting.
I cannot sleep all day constantly, it's just not something I can do.
I'm basically drinking caffeine for lunch and dinner so I can stay awake.
I'm drinking diet coke, diet sweet tea, and of course tea and coffee, and drink juice with my medicine too, but that doesn't really matter.
I was thinking that it feels good to write again and stick to it.
Before I would write, delete my posts, and stop for awhile.
I love to write and I love blogging, so this works really good for me.
I guess I should thank my friends for getting me into this website.
I'm kind of looking forward to this weekend.
I get to see my boyfriend and grandparents tomorrow, then I'm hanging out with my mom, or my mom and dad.
I don't get to see them very much because of their work and my not doing school.
I just hope everything works out for once in my life.
Some good, some okay.
At some points I've felt really good and at others I've felt really sick.
When I woke up this morning, I felt really good.
I was a little hot, but I wasn't dizzy, or tired, or nauseous, or in pain.
When I got to my grandparent's house I got extremely tired.
Like I sat down and I was fighting to stay awake.
If you know me, you know that I sleep when I have to, but if I can stay awake I prefer to.
I ate lunch and took my medication and I felt better.
I had Chai Tea (decaf) with my lunch, which is so good.
I'm like addicted to coffee and tea now.
I still had to force myself to eat because I still have zero appetite.
I love fruit, and I couldn't eat some kinds because of my acid reflux.
Well I tried orange slices yesterday and pineapple chunks today with an antacid and I had no heartburn, which makes me happy in some weird way.
Well then I got my SAT scores, and I rocked it (above the average).
I'm so happy and relieved.
My mom got me congrats balloons, which are cute.
I feel like at that point, I should have been running around the house celebrating, which I did to some extent.
But I wasn't my usual perky self at that moment.
I guess I was purely exhausted because I went home and fell asleep.
I had a fever of over 100 also, which like knocks me out.
I feel like my stomach medicine is somewhat working in terms of nausea.
I was hungry for dinner so I ate a sandwich and microwave popcorn, and it actually popped this time.
The only problem is I'm constantly stuffed and don't want to eat.
Not like in an eating disorder, restricting way, but in a I have no appetite at all kind of thing.
Right now I'm so freaking hot I can barely standing.
My skin feels like it's on fire.
I just took my temperature and I still have the same degree of fever.
I'm supposed to call my doctor tomorrow and give him a progress report.
I plan on getting my vitamins this weekend because even though I'm less fatigued, when I stand up I see spots a few times a day.
It's no where blacking out, but its kind of like I lose my balance and have to focus on standing up and see tiny black spots for a few seconds.
It's not like it never happened before, so it doesn't really freak me out at this point.
What I'm doing now is still working on my motivational posters.
I changed my mind of the design of them a dozen times or so, but I finally found something and am making myself to stick to it.
They look really cool.
I'm making posters with inspirational quotes and pictures on them from my camera, and even some my mom, dad, and grandpa took.
Then I'm going to put them in a photo album so that I can see them when I need a little boost.
I'm making one for some of my family members and my boyfriend.
I got the photo books and glittery stickers for them along with tiny jewels, and I must say they look awesome.
I was going to go to this amusement park on Saturday for the Halloween thing with my mom, dad, and boyfriend, except now my dad has to work so he doesn't want to go, and my boyfriend can't go, and my grandparents can walk all over because of my grandma's leg.
My mom and I might go anyway.
I love going places and holidays, especially Halloween, and Christmas and Thanksgiving and my birthday of course.
So tomorrow I'm going to try to hang out with my boyfriend and my grandparents.
My grandma needs to go get my grandpa pants for his birthday, so we might just all go and then go out to eat somewhere.
I might want another pumpkin pie cream ice too!
So overall, my mood is pretty good right now.
I guess before I just really, really, needed sleep.
I feel so good when I'm rested, but when I start to get tired it's like I'm in a battle, fighting.
I cannot sleep all day constantly, it's just not something I can do.
I'm basically drinking caffeine for lunch and dinner so I can stay awake.
I'm drinking diet coke, diet sweet tea, and of course tea and coffee, and drink juice with my medicine too, but that doesn't really matter.
I was thinking that it feels good to write again and stick to it.
Before I would write, delete my posts, and stop for awhile.
I love to write and I love blogging, so this works really good for me.
I guess I should thank my friends for getting me into this website.
I'm kind of looking forward to this weekend.
I get to see my boyfriend and grandparents tomorrow, then I'm hanging out with my mom, or my mom and dad.
I don't get to see them very much because of their work and my not doing school.
I just hope everything works out for once in my life.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Paparazzi
Some people may have a problem with Lady Gaga, and to each their own opinion. I think her music is amazing. One of her songs just came on the radio and this one kind of fits with some things that I store in the back of my closet. This is 'Paparazzi' by Lady Gaga.
Something, Something About This Place
I'm actually feeling better today.
I made it through today with three regular sized meals.
I had two liquid snacks, one English Tea, and one Decaf Pumpkin Pie Late.
I just finished my third snack for today.
It feels really, really weird to eat this much.
In the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if I'm overdoing it.
When I think about it more logically, this isn't what I ate with anorexia, which is good.
It isn't what I ate with bulimia either, which is good.
I really believe that the happy medium is not cutting out foods, but not eating and eating and eating.
I guess you could say that I don't really let my stomach control my emotions anymore in that way.
I look at myself, and I know I've gained weight in the past few months.
I really don't like the fact that I gained weight, because who would, but I'm adjusting.
I haven't flipped out or anything.
Okay, maybe just a little bit in my head for a few seconds.
But the thing is, I'm not doing anything about it.
That shows me that I'm stronger in terms of managing my Eating Disorder symptoms than I thought.
I was still stuffing myself during my afternoon snack and dinner, but I have a feeling that this will get easier as time goes by.
It always does.
When I say stuffing myself, I mean that I'm not purposefully binging or anything.
In fact I'm not binging by any means.
I'm just eating, and it's difficult right now, so I'm just trying to get a little bit of a meal in for my medicine and most importantly my body.
My only real physical problem now, well besides my hideous rash that's spreading, is my fever.
I almost constantly have a fever, usually around 100.
The average temperature keeps going up and up and up.
It was 99, then 99.5, now it's 100 or even more.
I don't mind having a fever because it's just a fever.
I do, however, mind the symptoms that go along with them.
Sometimes I'm so hot that I'm sweating and I just feel like my skin is burning.
At other times, I'm so cold that I'm shivering, but most of the time I'm hot.
My feet get cold constantly, so I always wear fuzzy socks.
I need to invest in more of them, because it's just Autumn, how will I ever survive the winter?
My test scores for college should be coming soon.
Tomorrow will be twenty days, which is about how long it takes to score my tests.
I'm not really worried.
I mean I will be when I first see them, but otherwise it's just the whole college thing that's going to get overwhelming.
Right now I'm kind of in this mood like, okay, I took the test, I don't have my scores back, so I'm pretty much not tied down to much of anything.
I'm going to be applying to colleges as soon as I get my scores because I'm trying my hardest to start classes in January.
I also have to work on my driving so I can get my licence.
I can tell things are going to get overwhelming sometime soon.
I'm trying to just chill right now.
I've been editing pictures and making inspirational posters for photo albums.
It kind of helps reading the quotes too, you know, for my own sake and all.
I'd say besides that little bit of anxiety in the back of my head, I'm doing pretty good.
My depression is manageable.
I'm not really sad, I'm actually kind of perky when I'm around people or doing something productive.
My anxiety is pretty much fine too.
I haven't had a panic attack in like a month and a half.
I haven't been really moody either.
I kind of feel like this feeling of being somewhat content for once.
It's not perfection, which I realize I will never reach, but it's okay for right now.
I feel like I'm basically living off of Diet Coke, coffee, hot tea, and juice boxes.
I might try to get my multivitamin plus iron tomorrow or Friday.
I get dizzy sometimes when I stand up.
I'll see really tiny black spots, feel a little off balance, and then every thing's back to normal.
It only happens like once or twice a day, compared to however many times it was before, so I can't really complain.
I'm avoiding 'social networking' at all costs.
By that I mean I will only log on if I'm desperate for snooping into other people's lives.
I've kind of come to realize, if you want to talk to me, and if I'm important enough to you, we can text each other or talk on the phone.
Or they could even read my blog.
I'm not trying to isolate, but the whole social stuff on the Internet (besides my blog of course) is futile.
It just makes me angry because I hate most of the people on my friends list anyway.
I mean nobody besides my boyfriend comments on my pictures, no one comments on my wall posts, and I'm lucky to just get one like, from my boyfriend.
I guess that shows how important I really am.
I'm extremely disappointed in some of my so called friends.
It's like they went to college and now I'm nothing.
I feel like friend wise I only have my boyfriend, Ashley, Raymond, Veronica, and a few other people.
I'm not going to name names but I really think some people are rude butts on the Internet anyway and I'm done even reading about it.
Thank you, but I'll stick to my blog and my writing.
At least people read my blog.
I made it through today with three regular sized meals.
I had two liquid snacks, one English Tea, and one Decaf Pumpkin Pie Late.
I just finished my third snack for today.
It feels really, really weird to eat this much.
In the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if I'm overdoing it.
When I think about it more logically, this isn't what I ate with anorexia, which is good.
It isn't what I ate with bulimia either, which is good.
I really believe that the happy medium is not cutting out foods, but not eating and eating and eating.
I guess you could say that I don't really let my stomach control my emotions anymore in that way.
I look at myself, and I know I've gained weight in the past few months.
I really don't like the fact that I gained weight, because who would, but I'm adjusting.
I haven't flipped out or anything.
Okay, maybe just a little bit in my head for a few seconds.
But the thing is, I'm not doing anything about it.
That shows me that I'm stronger in terms of managing my Eating Disorder symptoms than I thought.
I was still stuffing myself during my afternoon snack and dinner, but I have a feeling that this will get easier as time goes by.
It always does.
When I say stuffing myself, I mean that I'm not purposefully binging or anything.
In fact I'm not binging by any means.
I'm just eating, and it's difficult right now, so I'm just trying to get a little bit of a meal in for my medicine and most importantly my body.
My only real physical problem now, well besides my hideous rash that's spreading, is my fever.
I almost constantly have a fever, usually around 100.
The average temperature keeps going up and up and up.
It was 99, then 99.5, now it's 100 or even more.
I don't mind having a fever because it's just a fever.
I do, however, mind the symptoms that go along with them.
Sometimes I'm so hot that I'm sweating and I just feel like my skin is burning.
At other times, I'm so cold that I'm shivering, but most of the time I'm hot.
My feet get cold constantly, so I always wear fuzzy socks.
I need to invest in more of them, because it's just Autumn, how will I ever survive the winter?
My test scores for college should be coming soon.
Tomorrow will be twenty days, which is about how long it takes to score my tests.
I'm not really worried.
I mean I will be when I first see them, but otherwise it's just the whole college thing that's going to get overwhelming.
Right now I'm kind of in this mood like, okay, I took the test, I don't have my scores back, so I'm pretty much not tied down to much of anything.
I'm going to be applying to colleges as soon as I get my scores because I'm trying my hardest to start classes in January.
I also have to work on my driving so I can get my licence.
I can tell things are going to get overwhelming sometime soon.
I'm trying to just chill right now.
I've been editing pictures and making inspirational posters for photo albums.
It kind of helps reading the quotes too, you know, for my own sake and all.
I'd say besides that little bit of anxiety in the back of my head, I'm doing pretty good.
My depression is manageable.
I'm not really sad, I'm actually kind of perky when I'm around people or doing something productive.
My anxiety is pretty much fine too.
I haven't had a panic attack in like a month and a half.
I haven't been really moody either.
I kind of feel like this feeling of being somewhat content for once.
It's not perfection, which I realize I will never reach, but it's okay for right now.
I feel like I'm basically living off of Diet Coke, coffee, hot tea, and juice boxes.
I might try to get my multivitamin plus iron tomorrow or Friday.
I get dizzy sometimes when I stand up.
I'll see really tiny black spots, feel a little off balance, and then every thing's back to normal.
It only happens like once or twice a day, compared to however many times it was before, so I can't really complain.
I'm avoiding 'social networking' at all costs.
By that I mean I will only log on if I'm desperate for snooping into other people's lives.
I've kind of come to realize, if you want to talk to me, and if I'm important enough to you, we can text each other or talk on the phone.
Or they could even read my blog.
I'm not trying to isolate, but the whole social stuff on the Internet (besides my blog of course) is futile.
It just makes me angry because I hate most of the people on my friends list anyway.
I mean nobody besides my boyfriend comments on my pictures, no one comments on my wall posts, and I'm lucky to just get one like, from my boyfriend.
I guess that shows how important I really am.
I'm extremely disappointed in some of my so called friends.
It's like they went to college and now I'm nothing.
I feel like friend wise I only have my boyfriend, Ashley, Raymond, Veronica, and a few other people.
I'm not going to name names but I really think some people are rude butts on the Internet anyway and I'm done even reading about it.
Thank you, but I'll stick to my blog and my writing.
At least people read my blog.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Life Is Beautiful
I love love love love Nikki Sixx. He's an inspiration to me. I read his book 'The Heroine Diaries' which is my favorite book ever. I find it amazing too that after he's been through all he has, he can see the beauty in life. This song is called 'Life Is Beautiful' and it's by Sixx AM.
Nothing Can Hold Me Down
Today has been a much better day than yesterday.
I woke up, and I actually felt awake and like I could move.
My grandpa and I went to the grocery store.
We got Autumn flavors of coffee creamer, which sound delicious.
I also got four boxes of decafinated tea.
Since I'm cold a lot of the time, I love drinking hot tea, and of course I love any form of coffee.
I got rainbow sprinkles, which if you didn't know, are one of my favorite foods.
With ice cream of course.
After that I ate lunch.
I still really had to force myself to eat.
Before lunch, however, I did start my delayed gastric emptying medicine, took my antacids, and took a nausea pill.
The weird thing is my mood is actually good at this point.
It's almost like my mind is all stable at this point and my body isn't.
I had a Pumpkin Pie Cream Ice for a snack, which was really really good.
I wasn't hungry, so again I was pushing myself there.
Dinner was almost worse.
I was really stuffing myself because I just wanted to freaking eat something.
Basically, today I've been working on inspirational posters on my computer.
I'm still working on them now, and it's actually fun because I love design and pictures and writing.
I went out for a little bit earlier with my grandparents too.
I felt pretty okay most of the day.
My weakness and fatigue were a million times better.
My stomach was still bothering me most of the day.
I just had this feeling in my stomach, like it was crampy, it was full, it was kind of nauseous, but what's for sure is I had no appetite.
I was working on my motivational posters like two hours ago and I got this feeling that I haven't had in awhile.
I was hungry!
It sounds stupid to get excited about, but after not being able to eat much for about a week makes you extremely happy when that happens.
I went downstairs and got a big cereal bowl and filled it with popcorn and ate almost the whole thing.
I still have a Diet Coke beside my bed.
Oh, and my doctor called me tonight too.
I'm going to start a multivitamin with iron as soon as I get some.
He said something about low iron has been a previous problem for me, which caught me off guard, because nobody ever told me about that.
It feels like a huge relief to be feeling at least somewhat better.
I know I'm not out of the woods yet for sure.
It kind of stinks that I have to be back on all of my stomach medicine that they were able to get me off of.
I feel like I'm taking a lot of pills again.
In fact I am taking a lot of pills again.
I guess that as long as they help I don't really mind taking them.
They're more of a hassle than me not wanting to take them.
I'm going to cut this post short because I can't think of anything else to say, but I'm just happy that I'm awake right now.
I woke up, and I actually felt awake and like I could move.
My grandpa and I went to the grocery store.
We got Autumn flavors of coffee creamer, which sound delicious.
I also got four boxes of decafinated tea.
Since I'm cold a lot of the time, I love drinking hot tea, and of course I love any form of coffee.
I got rainbow sprinkles, which if you didn't know, are one of my favorite foods.
With ice cream of course.
After that I ate lunch.
I still really had to force myself to eat.
Before lunch, however, I did start my delayed gastric emptying medicine, took my antacids, and took a nausea pill.
The weird thing is my mood is actually good at this point.
It's almost like my mind is all stable at this point and my body isn't.
I had a Pumpkin Pie Cream Ice for a snack, which was really really good.
I wasn't hungry, so again I was pushing myself there.
Dinner was almost worse.
I was really stuffing myself because I just wanted to freaking eat something.
Basically, today I've been working on inspirational posters on my computer.
I'm still working on them now, and it's actually fun because I love design and pictures and writing.
I went out for a little bit earlier with my grandparents too.
I felt pretty okay most of the day.
My weakness and fatigue were a million times better.
My stomach was still bothering me most of the day.
I just had this feeling in my stomach, like it was crampy, it was full, it was kind of nauseous, but what's for sure is I had no appetite.
I was working on my motivational posters like two hours ago and I got this feeling that I haven't had in awhile.
I was hungry!
It sounds stupid to get excited about, but after not being able to eat much for about a week makes you extremely happy when that happens.
I went downstairs and got a big cereal bowl and filled it with popcorn and ate almost the whole thing.
I still have a Diet Coke beside my bed.
Oh, and my doctor called me tonight too.
I'm going to start a multivitamin with iron as soon as I get some.
He said something about low iron has been a previous problem for me, which caught me off guard, because nobody ever told me about that.
It feels like a huge relief to be feeling at least somewhat better.
I know I'm not out of the woods yet for sure.
It kind of stinks that I have to be back on all of my stomach medicine that they were able to get me off of.
I feel like I'm taking a lot of pills again.
In fact I am taking a lot of pills again.
I guess that as long as they help I don't really mind taking them.
They're more of a hassle than me not wanting to take them.
I'm going to cut this post short because I can't think of anything else to say, but I'm just happy that I'm awake right now.
Monday, October 17, 2011
It's My Life
I've been waiting for a long time to post this song. I feel like tonight is the night. Basically, after some reasoning, I came to think that, hey, this is how I'm living, and this is the way it's going to be. If you like it, stay with me. I just want to give a shout out to say if you don't like it, go away. This is 'It's My Life' by Bon Jovi.
This One's For You And Me
I'm actually not feeling too terribly bad right now.
All morning and afternoon I felt so so so miserable.
I wrote down exactly how I was feeling for the doctor, who never called.
This is what I wrote.
Fatigue- sleeping or feeling that I need to sleep almost constantly
Weakness- feels like I could fall over or pass out or just collapse to the floor, hard to find energy to even walk
Nausea- after I drink something I'm over the toilet with terrible, nagging nausea, no vomiting
Pain- not constant with antacids but off and on sharp pain that makes me want to scream and cry
Really thirsty, yet not hungry, have to force myself to eat
Constantly either shivering and freezing cold or burning and uncomfortably hot with a fever
Since my regular doctor never called, I decided to call my GI specialist.
I spoke with a nurse who paged the on call GI doctor, which thankfully was my doctor.
He thought as far as my stomach symptoms go, I'm having another period of symptoms.
He put me back on my stomach medicine for delayed gastric emptying twice a day.
I feel like I'm starting like all of my stomach medicines again at this point.
He assured me not to worry and that it will pass like it did before.
I guess that's something good to hear.
My other doctor is supposed to call me tomorrow.
You never know what tomorrow will bring, but as of now I'm feeling pretty okay.
I mean I still feel uncomfortable and generally sick, but I'm a little more wide awake.
Isn't that bizarre because it's kind of late at night?
Who knows.
The only thing going on right now is a fever, somewhat higher than normal.
I'm actually proud of myself for eating a snack tonight also.
I had ice cream with peanut butter and chocolate syrup.
It was kind of hard to eat with my stomach, but the good news is I got it all down, and I'm not about to throw up.
From now on here is my plan.
Chill the rest of the week, nothing strenuous or anything like that.
If I feel okay and my grandma and grandpa do, we might go out to eat and to the mall on Friday because I really want to go to Victoria's Secret.
I'm not going to push myself by exercising or going on walks unless my doctor says I have to.
I will resume that next Monday, granted all things are stable, a ten minute walk, five minutes there and back.
I'm gonna basically force myself to eat the normal five to six meals, but just what appeals to me.
I'm not going to stuff myself, but I will eat to keep my blood sugar up and stuff.
Even if it's something like coffee (with whipped cream) or green tea, or chocolate milk, or whatever, it beats not having the snack.
I may try three meals and two or three liquid snacks.
I'm trying to lay off of the caffeine too.
That means I'm drinking decaf diet coke instead of the real stuff, but I've been limiting myself to one a day.
If I didn't limit myself, I would drink diet coke every time I needed a drink.
I'm going to try to settle down my stomach, two antacids after breakfast, one stomach pill before lunch, one antacid and IBS pill after lunch, one stomach pill before dinner, and one antacid and IBS pill after dinner.
Just letting you know, that's on top of my depression and anxiety medicine, and all the other things I take.
If it helps my stomach then I really don't mind.
I can take my nausea medicine too.
Today when I took it it actually did help me from running to the toilet to throw up.
I feel like I have a little more power in me right now.
That power is going to keep me fighting this.
I actually do want to feel better, move on with my life, and live.
I know that I can beat this thing, whether I have to wait it out or treat the symptoms.
I can do this.
I know I can do this.
All morning and afternoon I felt so so so miserable.
I wrote down exactly how I was feeling for the doctor, who never called.
This is what I wrote.
Fatigue- sleeping or feeling that I need to sleep almost constantly
Weakness- feels like I could fall over or pass out or just collapse to the floor, hard to find energy to even walk
Nausea- after I drink something I'm over the toilet with terrible, nagging nausea, no vomiting
Pain- not constant with antacids but off and on sharp pain that makes me want to scream and cry
Really thirsty, yet not hungry, have to force myself to eat
Constantly either shivering and freezing cold or burning and uncomfortably hot with a fever
Since my regular doctor never called, I decided to call my GI specialist.
I spoke with a nurse who paged the on call GI doctor, which thankfully was my doctor.
He thought as far as my stomach symptoms go, I'm having another period of symptoms.
He put me back on my stomach medicine for delayed gastric emptying twice a day.
I feel like I'm starting like all of my stomach medicines again at this point.
He assured me not to worry and that it will pass like it did before.
I guess that's something good to hear.
My other doctor is supposed to call me tomorrow.
You never know what tomorrow will bring, but as of now I'm feeling pretty okay.
I mean I still feel uncomfortable and generally sick, but I'm a little more wide awake.
Isn't that bizarre because it's kind of late at night?
Who knows.
The only thing going on right now is a fever, somewhat higher than normal.
I'm actually proud of myself for eating a snack tonight also.
I had ice cream with peanut butter and chocolate syrup.
It was kind of hard to eat with my stomach, but the good news is I got it all down, and I'm not about to throw up.
From now on here is my plan.
Chill the rest of the week, nothing strenuous or anything like that.
If I feel okay and my grandma and grandpa do, we might go out to eat and to the mall on Friday because I really want to go to Victoria's Secret.
I'm not going to push myself by exercising or going on walks unless my doctor says I have to.
I will resume that next Monday, granted all things are stable, a ten minute walk, five minutes there and back.
I'm gonna basically force myself to eat the normal five to six meals, but just what appeals to me.
I'm not going to stuff myself, but I will eat to keep my blood sugar up and stuff.
Even if it's something like coffee (with whipped cream) or green tea, or chocolate milk, or whatever, it beats not having the snack.
I may try three meals and two or three liquid snacks.
I'm trying to lay off of the caffeine too.
That means I'm drinking decaf diet coke instead of the real stuff, but I've been limiting myself to one a day.
If I didn't limit myself, I would drink diet coke every time I needed a drink.
I'm going to try to settle down my stomach, two antacids after breakfast, one stomach pill before lunch, one antacid and IBS pill after lunch, one stomach pill before dinner, and one antacid and IBS pill after dinner.
Just letting you know, that's on top of my depression and anxiety medicine, and all the other things I take.
If it helps my stomach then I really don't mind.
I can take my nausea medicine too.
Today when I took it it actually did help me from running to the toilet to throw up.
I feel like I have a little more power in me right now.
That power is going to keep me fighting this.
I actually do want to feel better, move on with my life, and live.
I know that I can beat this thing, whether I have to wait it out or treat the symptoms.
I can do this.
I know I can do this.
Innocent
I usually pick a song each night that has something to do with how I'm feeling. I don't exactly know how I'm feeling right now besides sick. I do know that this is an amazing song. I was having a tough time choosing, so I found this, 'Innocent' by Our Lady Peace.
I'm Stuck With You
I know I didn't get to write last night.
A lot of things were going on.
I didn't go to church yesterday because I felt sick in the morning.
I went to lunch then with my mom and dad and boyfriend when I felt somewhat better.
The food was so good, but I was barely able to eat.
I just didn't have much of an appetite and my stomach was basically rebelling on me again.
I had those terrible stomach feelings, like if I eat one more bite, it won't be pretty.
When I got home, I went for a walk to the park with my boyfriend.
We had fun and stuff, and I felt pretty good.
We went back to my house and played a game with my mom and dad, and I was still feeling good.
After that, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
That bad, sick feeling.
I laid down on the floor and just wanted to hide my face.
Then I got extremely cold, like freezing my butt off I don't know what to do cold.
The door was open, but it was a really nice day out, it wasn't cold cold by any means.
I went upstairs to get a sweatshirt and ended up laying down on my bed and falling asleep on my boyfriend.
When my mom and I went to take him home, I got some hot coffee to drink.
After that, I don't remember much besides falling asleep.
I woke up after awhile and ate a little bit of something for dinner.
Then I got really bad pain on my right side around my ribs
The acid reflux medicine had been helping, but I still get pain on occasion.
I didn't know what to do besides lay in bed.
Eventually I fell asleep again.
I remember waking up to take my night time pills and wanting to stay awake, but immediately falling back asleep.
It was almost like I had no power in me to stay awake.
I tried to wake up this morning but I couldn't until after eleven o'clock and was still weak and exhausted.
After getting out of bed, I found it difficult to walk.
It felt like I was just going to collapse out of pure exhaustion with every step I took.
I managed to eat breakfast and get dressed.
My grandpa came to get me and we went to get me a frozen decaf pumpkin spice late because I was really thirsty and am trying not to get dehydrated.
Right now, I can barely type.
I just took all of my morning medicine, plus two antacids and my IBS medicine.
My boyfriend came to see me after work at my grandparent's house.
We sat and talked for awhile, because he's concerned about me, and it's easy to talk to him.
It's kind of weird here today, because my grandma is in a lot of pain in her leg.
My grandpa is mowing the lawn and he's in a lot of pain with his arthritis.
I feel like, they're still doing stuff, even though they're in pain, so why shouldn't I?
I think about that for a second and realize, it's not a competition.
I physically have nothing I absolutely must do, and neither do they.
I'm trying my best just to get by right now.
I put in a call to my doctor and he's supposed to call me back soon.
I don't know if it's the low iron causing me to feel sick or what, but whatever it is, I desperately need help of some kind.
I should have eaten lunch about an hour ago, but yet again, I really can't.
I know to some extent that if I don't eat while taking my medication I will feel worse.
Yet I can't stop taking my medication, so it's a double-edged sward.
At this point, I'm going to wait for my doctor to call and see what he has to say.
I'm feeling very uncomfortable in my stomach right now.
I just want this to be over.
A lot of things were going on.
I didn't go to church yesterday because I felt sick in the morning.
I went to lunch then with my mom and dad and boyfriend when I felt somewhat better.
The food was so good, but I was barely able to eat.
I just didn't have much of an appetite and my stomach was basically rebelling on me again.
I had those terrible stomach feelings, like if I eat one more bite, it won't be pretty.
When I got home, I went for a walk to the park with my boyfriend.
We had fun and stuff, and I felt pretty good.
We went back to my house and played a game with my mom and dad, and I was still feeling good.
After that, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
That bad, sick feeling.
I laid down on the floor and just wanted to hide my face.
Then I got extremely cold, like freezing my butt off I don't know what to do cold.
The door was open, but it was a really nice day out, it wasn't cold cold by any means.
I went upstairs to get a sweatshirt and ended up laying down on my bed and falling asleep on my boyfriend.
When my mom and I went to take him home, I got some hot coffee to drink.
After that, I don't remember much besides falling asleep.
I woke up after awhile and ate a little bit of something for dinner.
Then I got really bad pain on my right side around my ribs
The acid reflux medicine had been helping, but I still get pain on occasion.
I didn't know what to do besides lay in bed.
Eventually I fell asleep again.
I remember waking up to take my night time pills and wanting to stay awake, but immediately falling back asleep.
It was almost like I had no power in me to stay awake.
I tried to wake up this morning but I couldn't until after eleven o'clock and was still weak and exhausted.
After getting out of bed, I found it difficult to walk.
It felt like I was just going to collapse out of pure exhaustion with every step I took.
I managed to eat breakfast and get dressed.
My grandpa came to get me and we went to get me a frozen decaf pumpkin spice late because I was really thirsty and am trying not to get dehydrated.
Right now, I can barely type.
I just took all of my morning medicine, plus two antacids and my IBS medicine.
My boyfriend came to see me after work at my grandparent's house.
We sat and talked for awhile, because he's concerned about me, and it's easy to talk to him.
It's kind of weird here today, because my grandma is in a lot of pain in her leg.
My grandpa is mowing the lawn and he's in a lot of pain with his arthritis.
I feel like, they're still doing stuff, even though they're in pain, so why shouldn't I?
I think about that for a second and realize, it's not a competition.
I physically have nothing I absolutely must do, and neither do they.
I'm trying my best just to get by right now.
I put in a call to my doctor and he's supposed to call me back soon.
I don't know if it's the low iron causing me to feel sick or what, but whatever it is, I desperately need help of some kind.
I should have eaten lunch about an hour ago, but yet again, I really can't.
I know to some extent that if I don't eat while taking my medication I will feel worse.
Yet I can't stop taking my medication, so it's a double-edged sward.
At this point, I'm going to wait for my doctor to call and see what he has to say.
I'm feeling very uncomfortable in my stomach right now.
I just want this to be over.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Fly
This song is purely amazing and I love the video. I feel like sometimes I need this reminder as to how I need to stand up to my battles I must fight. Right now I came to win against my health problems. I don't want anything stopping me. This song is called 'Fly' and it's by Nicki Minaj and Rihanna.
Leading You Down Into My Core
I feel like my body is falling apart.
Like there has to be something wrong with me besides low iron.
I was shopping with my mom and I got extremely dizzy.
I got home and took a pill for the dizziness.
It wasn't lightheadedness like I've been having.
It was full blown dizziness.
Like I could fall over any second.
My eyes were funky and I couldn't focus them on anything.
The room wasn't spinning, but it just wasn't right.
I even ate a snack before I took the pill because sometimes it makes me sedated or hyper.
Well a few minutes later I got killer nausea.
I tried to just forget about it, except it kept getting worse, until I was in the bathroom over the toilet.
I was coughing and gagging and I was spitting up some stuff.
The problem I have is I can never throw up.
Like unless I purge, which I don't want to at this point, I cannot throw up no matter how hard I cough or how many times I gag or how bad my nausea is.
It sounds weird, but it's so frustrating that I have an incredible level of nausea and I just have to push through it with no relief, no matter how strong the feeling is.
After I was in the bathroom for about a half hour feeling miserable with nausea I got terrible pain in my face and head from coughing so much.
I laid down and fell asleep because it exhausted me too.
When I woke up I ate dinner.
Then I started to get heartburn and acid reflux.
The extremely weird thing is that I have been taking antacids three times a day since last night.
I rarely get heartburn, and now I get it while on two different antacids?
Then I was extremely itchy.
I accidentally forgot to take my antihistamine today.
Like I honestly forgot.
This was the wrong day to forget it let me tell you.
I got incredibly itchy and uncomfortable.
On my chest and lower back I broke out in spots, which most defiantly weren't there this morning.
Then it settled down for the most part.
I was just sitting on the floor in my bedroom after that with my mom, looking at pictures for my bulletin boards in my room, and I got extremely dizzy.
Exactly like before.
I felt like I needed more medicine, but if I take more I will most likely be awake for a long time.
So I'm trying to push through the dizziness.
I'm laying down right now in my bed.
But I feel like I could throw up again.
I haven't had much pain today, so I guess the antacids at least helped that.
Otherwise, I have no clue why I feel so miserable.
It's like, I'm getting my random symptoms again.
They never figured out what they were before.
They just went away eventually.
I really am trying not to overreact, but I don't want to relapse with my physical symptoms.
I don't know if relapse is a good word.
I guess I should use the word backslide.
Before I've had times where I could barely eat.
Everything I ate would give me acid reflux symptoms and heartburn, no matter what it was.
I tried to cut out trigger foods, but that was just about everything.
I don't even remember much from that time period because I wasn't getting barely any nutrition.
I remember throwing up a lot too.
The heartburn would make me gag and then I would throw up.
Sometimes I would throw up blood.
The bizarre thing is, I got a feeding tube and in a few minutes threw up blood.
They said it was stomach irritation.
I told them it happened before, but it was just like 'oh okay, she's puking blood, whatever'.
I don't like relying on medication to make it through the day.
I know that I have to take my depression and anxiety medicine and all of that stuff because of chronic conditions, sure.
I don't like being doped up on pain medicine, nausea medicine, dizzy medicine, acid reflux medicine, etc.
I'm kind of getting worried at this point.
I try not to worry, but I've been here before, and I know where it leads.
I just want to be normal.
I mean I'm not restricting, purging, or anything like that at this point.
I was told by someone that it almost seems like my body is showing eating disorder symptoms without me acting on symptoms.
I guess that's kind of true, but it seems bizarre that there's no answer for this stuff.
Like, just take these pills to manage your symptoms.
I've had an endoscopy and colonoscopy come back normal.
I've had CT scans, MRI's, x-rays of my abdomen, millions of blood tests, urine tests, all that good stuff.
They find minor things from time to time, like my low iron, or low B-12, or borderline low potassium.
But I got my B-12 level up.
I take potassium supplements that are prescription.
And we just found out about the low iron, which means that's new.
I feel like I could throw up because a half hour ago I drank a sip of diet coke, caffeine free.
I don't know anymore.
Like there has to be something wrong with me besides low iron.
I was shopping with my mom and I got extremely dizzy.
I got home and took a pill for the dizziness.
It wasn't lightheadedness like I've been having.
It was full blown dizziness.
Like I could fall over any second.
My eyes were funky and I couldn't focus them on anything.
The room wasn't spinning, but it just wasn't right.
I even ate a snack before I took the pill because sometimes it makes me sedated or hyper.
Well a few minutes later I got killer nausea.
I tried to just forget about it, except it kept getting worse, until I was in the bathroom over the toilet.
I was coughing and gagging and I was spitting up some stuff.
The problem I have is I can never throw up.
Like unless I purge, which I don't want to at this point, I cannot throw up no matter how hard I cough or how many times I gag or how bad my nausea is.
It sounds weird, but it's so frustrating that I have an incredible level of nausea and I just have to push through it with no relief, no matter how strong the feeling is.
After I was in the bathroom for about a half hour feeling miserable with nausea I got terrible pain in my face and head from coughing so much.
I laid down and fell asleep because it exhausted me too.
When I woke up I ate dinner.
Then I started to get heartburn and acid reflux.
The extremely weird thing is that I have been taking antacids three times a day since last night.
I rarely get heartburn, and now I get it while on two different antacids?
Then I was extremely itchy.
I accidentally forgot to take my antihistamine today.
Like I honestly forgot.
This was the wrong day to forget it let me tell you.
I got incredibly itchy and uncomfortable.
On my chest and lower back I broke out in spots, which most defiantly weren't there this morning.
Then it settled down for the most part.
I was just sitting on the floor in my bedroom after that with my mom, looking at pictures for my bulletin boards in my room, and I got extremely dizzy.
Exactly like before.
I felt like I needed more medicine, but if I take more I will most likely be awake for a long time.
So I'm trying to push through the dizziness.
I'm laying down right now in my bed.
But I feel like I could throw up again.
I haven't had much pain today, so I guess the antacids at least helped that.
Otherwise, I have no clue why I feel so miserable.
It's like, I'm getting my random symptoms again.
They never figured out what they were before.
They just went away eventually.
I really am trying not to overreact, but I don't want to relapse with my physical symptoms.
I don't know if relapse is a good word.
I guess I should use the word backslide.
Before I've had times where I could barely eat.
Everything I ate would give me acid reflux symptoms and heartburn, no matter what it was.
I tried to cut out trigger foods, but that was just about everything.
I don't even remember much from that time period because I wasn't getting barely any nutrition.
I remember throwing up a lot too.
The heartburn would make me gag and then I would throw up.
Sometimes I would throw up blood.
The bizarre thing is, I got a feeding tube and in a few minutes threw up blood.
They said it was stomach irritation.
I told them it happened before, but it was just like 'oh okay, she's puking blood, whatever'.
I don't like relying on medication to make it through the day.
I know that I have to take my depression and anxiety medicine and all of that stuff because of chronic conditions, sure.
I don't like being doped up on pain medicine, nausea medicine, dizzy medicine, acid reflux medicine, etc.
I'm kind of getting worried at this point.
I try not to worry, but I've been here before, and I know where it leads.
I just want to be normal.
I mean I'm not restricting, purging, or anything like that at this point.
I was told by someone that it almost seems like my body is showing eating disorder symptoms without me acting on symptoms.
I guess that's kind of true, but it seems bizarre that there's no answer for this stuff.
Like, just take these pills to manage your symptoms.
I've had an endoscopy and colonoscopy come back normal.
I've had CT scans, MRI's, x-rays of my abdomen, millions of blood tests, urine tests, all that good stuff.
They find minor things from time to time, like my low iron, or low B-12, or borderline low potassium.
But I got my B-12 level up.
I take potassium supplements that are prescription.
And we just found out about the low iron, which means that's new.
I feel like I could throw up because a half hour ago I drank a sip of diet coke, caffeine free.
I don't know anymore.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Without You
If you didn't know, I kind of have a David Guetta obsession. I love his music. It's so unique and catchy. Plus he's extremely good looking. I chose this song for tonight because I found it fitting. It's called 'Without You' and it's by David Guetta and Usher.
Don't Ever Look Back
The other week, my friend Rachel (from eating disorder treatment) had her friend Emily commit suicide.
I'm not very close to Rachel anymore, but that isn't to say that I don't care about her.
Rachel was my roommate.
She is such an amazing and strong person.
It was terrible watching her fall apart on her blog after Emily died.
Sitting here, I feel somewhat like she did, like what could I have done?
I'm at a better place with my eating disorder so couldn't I have helped her?
Couldn't I have reached out a little bit more?
Now she's in treatment on the other side of the country.
Even though we're not like best friends forever, Rachel is really an inspiration for stepping up and accepting treatment at a time like this in her life.
Reading her blog, I feel like I got to know her on a whole new level.
My heart truly goes out to Rachel, as I wish her the best in treatment.
I have a friend named Melissa.
Melissa was in treatment with Rachel and me.
I remember seeing them take her away in an ambulance a few times.
Rachel and I would watch out the window from our room to see what was going on with her.
I never really sat down and talked to Melissa, but after treatment, we would talk online and stuff.
She was always a true inspiration to me after I learned more about her.
She has been through so many things with her health.
Before I got my feeding tube, I would talk to her about it and she would help me in terms of where to go.
I remember a few times being in serious pain and having Melissa give me the courage to keep trying.
Doctors thought she was just making things up and exaggerating, but now she's dying.
Melissa is dying as we speak, and she will soon be gone.
She would text me when I was in the hospital to see how I was doing.
I couldn't call her because my throat hurt and I couldn't talk, but I wish we would have stayed closer.
The same thing goes for Rachel.
It's hard watching two people you basically lived with and ate every single rough meal with fall down.
I feel like I just want to see each of them right now and tell them that I love them.
I don't want to lose Melissa.
I don't want Rachel to have to be in pain.
The same goes for my friend Nichole.
I don't know details, because like the other girls, I haven't talked to her in awhile, but her mother recently died.
I really hope Nichole will be okay, as she was also in treatment with Rachel, Melissa, and me.
I don't know what happened, but just knowing what I do know makes my heart break.
So basically, what I'm asking is, God, please be with my friends.
My grandma is in a lot of pain right now too and has to start taking pain medication.
I also pray that God will take her physical pain away and be with her.
I don't want to sound selfish, but I need to say at least a little prayer for myself.
My doctor called tonight (he wasn't supposed to call until Monday) about my blood tests I had yesterday.
Everything came back normal, except my iron levels were low.
Usually, they would give me iron pills.
Except I have problems with my stomach, and iron pills can mess with your digestive system.
My doctor is reluctant to put me on them because of this.
On the other hand, he doesn't want me to become anemic.
So I guess he's basically undecided as to what to do about it.
I feel like a big walking mystery still.
I know they figured out that my fatigue is coming from an iron deficiency, but what about my pain?
I'm still in a lot of pain around my liver and spleen.
My doctor tested my liver with blood work and the results were fine.
He also didn't feel an enlarged spleen, even though when he pushed on it I screamed a little.
He told me to try my acid reflux medication again, but I'm still in pain.
I hate being in situations like this.
It tests my strength so much.
It's like, I'm falling apart, the world is falling apart, what do I do?
My doctor also said to come in and see him in the morning if I have a rough night with continuing pain.
Right now, I'm just so uncomfortable.
The antacids did help a little, a very little, and so did the pain medication, yet I'm still in pain.
I don't want them telling me that there's nothing wrong with me or that I just have to wait it out.
I also have a fever, which I've had for weeks, if not a month or more.
How can low iron give you a long lasting fever?
Why am I being tested with all of this?
I just don't know anymore.
I'm not very close to Rachel anymore, but that isn't to say that I don't care about her.
Rachel was my roommate.
She is such an amazing and strong person.
It was terrible watching her fall apart on her blog after Emily died.
Sitting here, I feel somewhat like she did, like what could I have done?
I'm at a better place with my eating disorder so couldn't I have helped her?
Couldn't I have reached out a little bit more?
Now she's in treatment on the other side of the country.
Even though we're not like best friends forever, Rachel is really an inspiration for stepping up and accepting treatment at a time like this in her life.
Reading her blog, I feel like I got to know her on a whole new level.
My heart truly goes out to Rachel, as I wish her the best in treatment.
I have a friend named Melissa.
Melissa was in treatment with Rachel and me.
I remember seeing them take her away in an ambulance a few times.
Rachel and I would watch out the window from our room to see what was going on with her.
I never really sat down and talked to Melissa, but after treatment, we would talk online and stuff.
She was always a true inspiration to me after I learned more about her.
She has been through so many things with her health.
Before I got my feeding tube, I would talk to her about it and she would help me in terms of where to go.
I remember a few times being in serious pain and having Melissa give me the courage to keep trying.
Doctors thought she was just making things up and exaggerating, but now she's dying.
Melissa is dying as we speak, and she will soon be gone.
She would text me when I was in the hospital to see how I was doing.
I couldn't call her because my throat hurt and I couldn't talk, but I wish we would have stayed closer.
The same thing goes for Rachel.
It's hard watching two people you basically lived with and ate every single rough meal with fall down.
I feel like I just want to see each of them right now and tell them that I love them.
I don't want to lose Melissa.
I don't want Rachel to have to be in pain.
The same goes for my friend Nichole.
I don't know details, because like the other girls, I haven't talked to her in awhile, but her mother recently died.
I really hope Nichole will be okay, as she was also in treatment with Rachel, Melissa, and me.
I don't know what happened, but just knowing what I do know makes my heart break.
So basically, what I'm asking is, God, please be with my friends.
My grandma is in a lot of pain right now too and has to start taking pain medication.
I also pray that God will take her physical pain away and be with her.
I don't want to sound selfish, but I need to say at least a little prayer for myself.
My doctor called tonight (he wasn't supposed to call until Monday) about my blood tests I had yesterday.
Everything came back normal, except my iron levels were low.
Usually, they would give me iron pills.
Except I have problems with my stomach, and iron pills can mess with your digestive system.
My doctor is reluctant to put me on them because of this.
On the other hand, he doesn't want me to become anemic.
So I guess he's basically undecided as to what to do about it.
I feel like a big walking mystery still.
I know they figured out that my fatigue is coming from an iron deficiency, but what about my pain?
I'm still in a lot of pain around my liver and spleen.
My doctor tested my liver with blood work and the results were fine.
He also didn't feel an enlarged spleen, even though when he pushed on it I screamed a little.
He told me to try my acid reflux medication again, but I'm still in pain.
I hate being in situations like this.
It tests my strength so much.
It's like, I'm falling apart, the world is falling apart, what do I do?
My doctor also said to come in and see him in the morning if I have a rough night with continuing pain.
Right now, I'm just so uncomfortable.
The antacids did help a little, a very little, and so did the pain medication, yet I'm still in pain.
I don't want them telling me that there's nothing wrong with me or that I just have to wait it out.
I also have a fever, which I've had for weeks, if not a month or more.
How can low iron give you a long lasting fever?
Why am I being tested with all of this?
I just don't know anymore.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Blame It On The Weatherman
This is a favorite song of mine. It's raining so hard outside right now, and I think this song fits my mood perfectly. This is called 'Blame It On The Weatherman' by B*Witched.
You Got My Heartbeat Running Away
I'm hungry, yet I'm not.
I'm sitting here eating a snack, because I ate weird, random stuff all day.
But I don't want to eat a snack.
It's not that I don't want to eat.
It's just this nagging nausea.
I ate dinner so that I could take my pain medication.
I'm having really, really bad pain in my liver and spleen area.
I can't take narcotics or strong pain medicine anymore because of my depression/fibromyalgia pain medicine.
The medicine worked for a little bit, but made me even more nauseous.
Then I got even worse pain around my liver.
It was to the point where I was about to scream and/or cry because it hurt so bad.
Right now, the pain is still there but not quite as bad.
I really hope it doesn't get worse.
I mean my pain medication obviously doesn't help for six to eight hours.
It helps slightly for one hour, if that.
I hate to complain about this stuff, but it's my blog, and I'm uncomfortable.
Basically what's going on is I had more blood tests to try to figure out why I'm so unbelievably uncomfortable, fatigued, nauseous, in pain, and lightheaded.
I thought that the hospital was getting somewhere.
All of my tests came back normal, or within normal limits.
So now it's back to outpatient stuff, with all of my doctors trying to figure this one out.
I feel like a walking mystery.
It's like I can never just have a simple, easy to diagnose problem like everyone else.
When I have a sinus infection even now, they question if it's an infection, sinus pressure, or a migraine.
Sometimes I think my doctors just expect me to wait it out.
Yet it almost always ends with me in pain and miserable.
The most common thing is for them to 'treat my symptoms'.
They don't know what's causing my pain?
Pain medication is the answer.
They don't know what's causing my nausea?
Nausea medication is the next step/
They don't know why I keep getting fevers and extremely itchy?
Why not add antihistamines on top of that.
It feels that way with my depression, anxiety, anorexia, and bulimia too.
I can take all the medicine I want and it helps to some extent, but in the end it's me who has to do the work.
I could keep taking pain medication, but what good is that if there's 'nothing' causing my pain?
Shouldn't someone figure something out by now?
I know I have chronic abdominal pain.
Pain in your spleen and liver?
That just doesn't seem normal to me.
It's most certainly not like a normal stomach ache.
I mean I've been through a lot of stuff before too.
I know what it feels like to almost black out from anorexia.
I know what it feels like to have an upset stomach or intestinal spasms or acid reflux.
I know what low blood pressure feels like.
I also know when there's something wrong with me.
I used to get all the time the cold shoulder, like 'you're making this up' or 'you're exaggerating' or whatever.
The thing is I'm not, by any means.
Don't you think if I survived all I've been through emotionally I could handle physical pain?
Things just get so complicated when I'm sick, and I absolutely hate it.
You might think I dwell on it too much, and sometimes I do, but if I'm walking around in pain, it's kind of hard not to notice.
I don't know.
I don't get any test results until Monday at the earliest.
Basically at this point, it's hard to eat, I'm in a lot of pain, I'm nauseous, I have a constant fever, I alternate between hot and cold flashes, and am just so freaking fatigued.
And it's terrible because I can't lay on my left side or I'm in pain, or my right side or I'm in pain, or my back or I'm lightheaded.
I just want to go to bed and wake up feeling, I don't know, different, or with some answers, or some better medicine, or something.
It's a far stretch, but I can dream.
I'm sitting here eating a snack, because I ate weird, random stuff all day.
But I don't want to eat a snack.
It's not that I don't want to eat.
It's just this nagging nausea.
I ate dinner so that I could take my pain medication.
I'm having really, really bad pain in my liver and spleen area.
I can't take narcotics or strong pain medicine anymore because of my depression/fibromyalgia pain medicine.
The medicine worked for a little bit, but made me even more nauseous.
Then I got even worse pain around my liver.
It was to the point where I was about to scream and/or cry because it hurt so bad.
Right now, the pain is still there but not quite as bad.
I really hope it doesn't get worse.
I mean my pain medication obviously doesn't help for six to eight hours.
It helps slightly for one hour, if that.
I hate to complain about this stuff, but it's my blog, and I'm uncomfortable.
Basically what's going on is I had more blood tests to try to figure out why I'm so unbelievably uncomfortable, fatigued, nauseous, in pain, and lightheaded.
I thought that the hospital was getting somewhere.
All of my tests came back normal, or within normal limits.
So now it's back to outpatient stuff, with all of my doctors trying to figure this one out.
I feel like a walking mystery.
It's like I can never just have a simple, easy to diagnose problem like everyone else.
When I have a sinus infection even now, they question if it's an infection, sinus pressure, or a migraine.
Sometimes I think my doctors just expect me to wait it out.
Yet it almost always ends with me in pain and miserable.
The most common thing is for them to 'treat my symptoms'.
They don't know what's causing my pain?
Pain medication is the answer.
They don't know what's causing my nausea?
Nausea medication is the next step/
They don't know why I keep getting fevers and extremely itchy?
Why not add antihistamines on top of that.
It feels that way with my depression, anxiety, anorexia, and bulimia too.
I can take all the medicine I want and it helps to some extent, but in the end it's me who has to do the work.
I could keep taking pain medication, but what good is that if there's 'nothing' causing my pain?
Shouldn't someone figure something out by now?
I know I have chronic abdominal pain.
Pain in your spleen and liver?
That just doesn't seem normal to me.
It's most certainly not like a normal stomach ache.
I mean I've been through a lot of stuff before too.
I know what it feels like to almost black out from anorexia.
I know what it feels like to have an upset stomach or intestinal spasms or acid reflux.
I know what low blood pressure feels like.
I also know when there's something wrong with me.
I used to get all the time the cold shoulder, like 'you're making this up' or 'you're exaggerating' or whatever.
The thing is I'm not, by any means.
Don't you think if I survived all I've been through emotionally I could handle physical pain?
Things just get so complicated when I'm sick, and I absolutely hate it.
You might think I dwell on it too much, and sometimes I do, but if I'm walking around in pain, it's kind of hard not to notice.
I don't know.
I don't get any test results until Monday at the earliest.
Basically at this point, it's hard to eat, I'm in a lot of pain, I'm nauseous, I have a constant fever, I alternate between hot and cold flashes, and am just so freaking fatigued.
And it's terrible because I can't lay on my left side or I'm in pain, or my right side or I'm in pain, or my back or I'm lightheaded.
I just want to go to bed and wake up feeling, I don't know, different, or with some answers, or some better medicine, or something.
It's a far stretch, but I can dream.
Leave A Light On
Every once and awhile, I discover a song that makes me just think 'wow' and this is one of them. This song is called 'Leave A Light On' and it's by Duran Duran.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I Feel Lucky Like A Four Leaf Clover
I can safely say that I am never content.
I am never content with things surrounding my eating disorder either, such as my weight, my body shape, how I look, etc.
I sometimes think like, okay, I don't want to eat too much, but I want to eat enough.
How much is enough?
When do I start?
When do I stop?
These are basically the only 'eating disorder thoughts' that I get now, but sometimes it's enough to make your head spin.
For awhile I was doing the whole 'eat what you want, when you want it, stop when you're full' thing.
It was working.
Over the past few months I have gained some weight.
All of my doctors weigh me, so it's like a slap in the face every time I see one of them.
I don't really care right at this moment, well obviously because I'm sitting here writing and eating my third snack, but when I step on the scale, and they write it on the paper, and the scale just keeps flashing that number, it's like 'oh my gosh just stop it'.
I was thinking the other night about how good I looked when I was a few pounds heavier, like when I got my feeding tube out.
Yet I look at myself in my pictures when I was deep into my eating disorder, and I thought I looked good then.
Well obviously I didn't look good then, but it's just a perception type of thing some people have.
So, if I gain weight will I be happy?
No because I wasn't happy when I weighed that much.
If I lose weight will I be happy?
No because I wasn't happy when I weighed that much either.
Am I happy with my weight at the moment?
Not especially.
I think it's just that I have to come to terms with the fact that I weigh what I weigh.
Basically my thought is why does it even matter how much I weigh?
Shouldn't it matter what my vital signs are and my electrolytes?
I could be unhealthy five pounds heavier or five pounds lighter.
The number doesn't really mean anything.
When I look in the mirror, I see myself. I see some imperfections, but I hated some parts of myself when I was heavier and lighter too.
So I think basically that whole 'eat when you want, when you want it, stop when you're full' thing might just be what's good for me.
I'm basically trying to balance things, not really all about maintaining my weight, but because I want some normalcy.
The other day, I decided that I would try to eat six small means a day like I used to do for my stomach.
It does make you feel good.
This is going to sound sick and twisted but I think of it as an eating disorder medium.
I'm not restricting, but I'm not eating huge meals.
I'm not binging, but I'm eating more often.
Most of the time, there's no happy medium with my appetite anyway.
I may not be hungry, but I eat anyway, and I may be starving but I don't eat and eat and eat.
I feel like in some ways my old eating disorder thoughts are coming through here, but I think what I'm trying to say is that I need regulation. I know that if I don't do something almost constantly my depression gets terrible.
I've come a long way with that though. I plan things to do during the day.
I work in my study books.
I even talk to people, like my family members, or text people like friends or my boyfriend. I feel like I can actually even interact with people, and that helps too.
I have come a long way with my eating disorder.
Like the other day I wasn't hungry at all, but it was lunch time, and I wanted to eat.
I ate a little, and my mind was like, just eat it, it's so good, and you need to eat anyway.
My stomach, on the other hand, was like, you can't eat, you're full and I'm going to give you nausea if you keep eating.
I hate those kind of days. It's like, why can't I just eat?
Why do my pain and nausea have to change my eating behaviors?
I guess the best way to explain my eating disorder at the moment is, I will look at a food and be like, okay this has a million calories, but I will eat it anyway.
I don't let calories stop me.
If I want whipped cream on my coffee, I will get it.
It's just my nausea that sometimes stops me.
I know now that I can't eat certain things, like citrus fruits, extremely spicy things, mint flavored food, thick icing, etc. because of my acid reflux.
I don't let calories stop me anymore.
I mean, it's food.
We need it to survive.
I need food to keep my body running, just like I need my diet coke to keep me awake.
Right now, there are other things I have going on with my health anyway.
I realize that I don't want anorexia or bulimia following me around on top of all that.
I am never content with things surrounding my eating disorder either, such as my weight, my body shape, how I look, etc.
I sometimes think like, okay, I don't want to eat too much, but I want to eat enough.
How much is enough?
When do I start?
When do I stop?
These are basically the only 'eating disorder thoughts' that I get now, but sometimes it's enough to make your head spin.
For awhile I was doing the whole 'eat what you want, when you want it, stop when you're full' thing.
It was working.
Over the past few months I have gained some weight.
All of my doctors weigh me, so it's like a slap in the face every time I see one of them.
I don't really care right at this moment, well obviously because I'm sitting here writing and eating my third snack, but when I step on the scale, and they write it on the paper, and the scale just keeps flashing that number, it's like 'oh my gosh just stop it'.
I was thinking the other night about how good I looked when I was a few pounds heavier, like when I got my feeding tube out.
Yet I look at myself in my pictures when I was deep into my eating disorder, and I thought I looked good then.
Well obviously I didn't look good then, but it's just a perception type of thing some people have.
So, if I gain weight will I be happy?
No because I wasn't happy when I weighed that much.
If I lose weight will I be happy?
No because I wasn't happy when I weighed that much either.
Am I happy with my weight at the moment?
Not especially.
I think it's just that I have to come to terms with the fact that I weigh what I weigh.
Basically my thought is why does it even matter how much I weigh?
Shouldn't it matter what my vital signs are and my electrolytes?
I could be unhealthy five pounds heavier or five pounds lighter.
The number doesn't really mean anything.
When I look in the mirror, I see myself. I see some imperfections, but I hated some parts of myself when I was heavier and lighter too.
So I think basically that whole 'eat when you want, when you want it, stop when you're full' thing might just be what's good for me.
I'm basically trying to balance things, not really all about maintaining my weight, but because I want some normalcy.
The other day, I decided that I would try to eat six small means a day like I used to do for my stomach.
It does make you feel good.
This is going to sound sick and twisted but I think of it as an eating disorder medium.
I'm not restricting, but I'm not eating huge meals.
I'm not binging, but I'm eating more often.
Most of the time, there's no happy medium with my appetite anyway.
I may not be hungry, but I eat anyway, and I may be starving but I don't eat and eat and eat.
I feel like in some ways my old eating disorder thoughts are coming through here, but I think what I'm trying to say is that I need regulation. I know that if I don't do something almost constantly my depression gets terrible.
I've come a long way with that though. I plan things to do during the day.
I work in my study books.
I even talk to people, like my family members, or text people like friends or my boyfriend. I feel like I can actually even interact with people, and that helps too.
I have come a long way with my eating disorder.
Like the other day I wasn't hungry at all, but it was lunch time, and I wanted to eat.
I ate a little, and my mind was like, just eat it, it's so good, and you need to eat anyway.
My stomach, on the other hand, was like, you can't eat, you're full and I'm going to give you nausea if you keep eating.
I hate those kind of days. It's like, why can't I just eat?
Why do my pain and nausea have to change my eating behaviors?
I guess the best way to explain my eating disorder at the moment is, I will look at a food and be like, okay this has a million calories, but I will eat it anyway.
I don't let calories stop me.
If I want whipped cream on my coffee, I will get it.
It's just my nausea that sometimes stops me.
I know now that I can't eat certain things, like citrus fruits, extremely spicy things, mint flavored food, thick icing, etc. because of my acid reflux.
I don't let calories stop me anymore.
I mean, it's food.
We need it to survive.
I need food to keep my body running, just like I need my diet coke to keep me awake.
Right now, there are other things I have going on with my health anyway.
I realize that I don't want anorexia or bulimia following me around on top of all that.
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