Sweet Child O' Mine

I really, really, want to just lay down and forget about all of this for awhile. The song that I found on shuffle for tonight is 'Sweet Child O' Mine' by Guns N' Roses. I love this song. The lyrics and music are absolutely beautiful.

Crazy Some Are Saying

In a lot of pain? check
Throwing up blood? check
Scared? check, check, and check again

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor at this hospital out of state (one of the best hospitals in the world actually, I just don't want to name names or anything on here, I don't feel comfortable with that).

I'm kind of extremely freaked out because I am in pain, and I mean a lot of pain.
I know that I have pain a lot, and they're always like 'on a scale from one to ten how bad is your pain' to which my answer is I don't know actually, I just know I am in pain.
I also know that I threw up blood, and not just like a little dot of blood or anything, it, was, blood.
I don't want to describe it to gross the sick of stomach out or anything, plus I don't even know how I would explain it, but I know it was blood.
I also know that my pain is getting worse, and I don't know what to do, because I think I should be in the emergency room right now, yet I want to hold on until tomorrow at noon.
I keep telling myself, tomorrow at noon, tomorrow at noon, just hold on, breathe, and hold on.
But I'm in a lot a lot of pain, and my mind keeps bouncing back between should I go to the emergency room or not.

The pain is mainly in my upper left abdomen, in the front, sometimes rotating a tiny bit towards the back, and just an uncomfortable feeling in my abdomen.
I'm honestly praying that I don't get admitted to my fifth hospital.
I know I'm probably over thinking everything, but, if someone has symptoms like me, with my medical history, most doctors would probably have to do something.
I have had an endoscopy before, but luckily it was along with a colonoscopy so I was under anesthesia.
They even were kind enough to give me Xanax, so I was out, even when they just gave me like a drop of anesthesia.

I'm going to go to bed, because I now have thirteen hours until I can be seen by my doctor.
Say a prayer for me please, because I know I am going to get through this, but any little bit of help would be awesome.

I Gotta Feeling

I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas - What more is there to say?

You Know We're Super Stars

I feel a sense of self right now, like, yes, she's finally doing something right.
Yesterday was Christmas, of course, and I had a wonderful day.
I spent the day with my immediate family, my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and great aunt.
We went to church, ate dinner (no anxiety!), opened presents, ate dessert (still no anxiety!) etc.
At night, I realized how much I terribly miss the majority of my friends.
That's what spurned me on to actually have a life, and reach out, and actually mean it this time.
I sent out a message to some of my friends from inpatient asking if I can send them cards and where I should send them to, all that good stuff.
Then today I went to Target and got thirty six blank cards to send to whoever writes back.
To me, it's like a big shock, like, some days I feel like I have nobody who cares about me, and now I have a list of twenty nine people in my life who do care, and who I can reach out to.
I started to write my cards tonight, and I'm going to finish them tomorrow.
It also feels so, so amazing to have plans for every day for the next two weeks almost.
Tomorrow we may be taking my poor guinea pig to the vet because we think she has another bladder infection.
We're going to see if the poor little pig is still peeing blood tomorrow morning and is in pain and judge from there, but I don't want to see her hurt or anything.
I'm thinking about also going to get my friend Veronica's present that I saw at Kohl's tomorrow either way.
Wednesday I have an appointment out of state, and I'm going out to lunch and the book store with my mom.
Thursday I'm going to the college book store with my mom to get my books for my courses and maybe even my other school supplies or something.
Friday I have plans with my friend Kayla (who I haven't seen since last February!) for lunch and then whatever we want to do.
Saturday I'm going to go to the mall with my mom and maybe my dad and boyfriend, then church at night, and my grandma's house for a New Year's Eve party.
That reminds me, I also want to go to Party City with my mom to get some things for New Year's Eve.
Sunday I'm going to church with my mom's family, and then to my other grandparent's house for New Year's Day.
Even though they're having yucky food, I will make the best of it hopefully.
Monday I'm going to lunch and then the movies or something with my friends Lindsey and Dana.
I haven't seen them for like forever, and I miss them each (and Kayla too!).
Tuesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, so my grandma and grandpa are going to take me to that.
Wednesday (or Friday) I'm trying to make plans with my friends Allie and Corinne.
Allie has to check her work schedule on Saturday and get back to me, and Corinne needs to get back to me too.
Thursday I finally see dermatology for the first time.
Friday I will either be chilling or going out with Allie or Corinne, or hopefully my boyfriend or something.
Saturday my mom and I are going to try to have my grandparents and my two great aunts over to our house for the holiday season.
Sunday I'm going to church, and then that begins another week.
I'm sorry for boring you with my schedule, but I'm just so excited to be doing something with myself for once.
I hate being constantly tied down by terrible fatigue, and the occasional depression and moodiness.
My goal is to not let this stuff stop me, at all, and to keep myself going at a reasonable pace, because soon enough after that I'm starting my freshman year in college, which I am actually excited about.
I didn't really have a very positive Christmas post the other night, so I also wanted to say Merry Christmas, I hope you have a blessed holiday, and thank you for following my blog!

Happy Christmas

This is the song I quoted in my previous post. This is 'Happy Christmas', a cover of the John Lennon song, performed by Maroon 5.

So, This Is Christmas...

Merry Christmas (early) morning everybody!
This (early) Christmas morning is kind of an uneasy Christmas morning for me.

'So. This is Christmas. And what have you done? Another year over. A new one just begun. So this is Christmas. I hope you had fun. The near and the dear ones. The old and the young....'

That is exactly how I'm feeling.
I have always loved that Christmas song, for some odd reason or another, I thought it was one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.
When I really, really, listened to the lyrics, and got the whole point of 'the world is messed up' it made me think.
It made me think that, yes, the world is messed up, and yes, my world is messed up.
So this is Christmas...

It just takes my mind away, and makes me think and think, and wonder and wonder.
I have all these questions I wish that I could ask God.
You know, just like, God, am I doing this right? did I make the right decision? and, God, what have I done?
Why am I anorexic? bulimic? borderline? depressed? anxious? tired? weak? sick? uncertain? in pain?

And with that being said, Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

Breaking Free

When I was making my inspirational soundtrack to go along with my book, this is one of the songs I chose, and one of my favorite ones at that. This is 'Breaking Free' by Gabriella and Troy from High School Musical.

The World Is Mine

Today is the Monday before Christmas...
For me it's a sit back and listen to David Guetta type of night...
And that's exactly what I'm doing right now....

I feel like redecorating my blog, I really do.
I feel like things need some mixing up right now.

I didn't get to tell all of you, I got accepted to my first choice college... and I start in the middle of January!
I was kind of on the fence about this one ever since I sent the application, like, oh my gosh, what am I getting myself into, but now that I'm accepted, I'm kind of excited.
I am a declared Psychology Major, and am actually extremely happy about that.
If you know me, you know that Psychology is like my passion, my obsession, etc.
I'm going to scan my paper in tonight and send it off to the college so I can (hopefully) get into the classes I want.
If things work out the way I hope and pray they do, I will be a full time student taking five classes.
I just really want to get these classes, because they're required and recommended for my major and they actually sound interesting.
I'm hoping to take a psychology course, some kind of sociology, some kind of math, analytical reading and writing, and something else which totally escapes my mind.
I really get excited each year to get my binders, school supplies, books, and all of that stuff.
Plus this year I get to buy the books, and keep the books, and write in my books, and in some ways that's actually exciting.
I wouldn't say I'm bouncing off the walls about starting college, but I am defiantly excited for some aspects of it.
For example, I can finally say, I'm living my dreams, I'm a psychology major, I'm going to college, I'm doing something with my life and everything I've learned.
It feels almost like a fresh start, which I guess it really is.
I can leave that high school drama and craziness behind me, I'm not in this 'holding zone' anymore either.
So that's my news about college.

I finally, finally, printed my graduation project (a book on Eating Disorder Awareness) and gave out my first autographed copy tonight, to my therapist.
I have twelve more to deliver, well, four to deliver to my other doctors anyway.
I'm hoping I can call their offices tomorrow and find some time this week when I can drop off their books and actually give them to them.
I also included a soundtrack: the first CD with songs about 'how it feels' to have an eating disorder, depression, and all that good stuff, the second CD full of inspirational music.
Plus, I made a DVD with a copy of my graduation project visual presentation on it, and a copy of my movie called 'Leave A Light On' which is about the truth of the whole 'Pro Anorexia and Pro Bulimia' world, and what really goes on with Anorexia and Bulimia in some places, it's really interesting and eye opening.
I'm really excited about having a copy of my book in my hands, well, actually wrapped in Disney Princess wrapping paper under the little Christmas tree we have.

I feel so accomplished.
I graduated high school.
I wrote a book.
I got accepted to college.
I am a psychology major.
I am in recovery.

It is such a good feeling to have actually.
I'm kind of a little on edge, like, agitated, but I'm by no means anxious about this all.
I kind of differentiated the whole 'agitated' from 'anxiety' thing, with the help of my therapist.
For me, agitation is more me feeling like on edge, uncomfortable, like somethings right but somethings wrong, that type of thing.
And anxiety is more of me being nervous, shaking, and having panic attacks.
So I'm just a tad agitated, but nothing I can't handle.
I guess it's because of everything coming up and all.
Tomorrow I'm going to be with my grandparents, calling my eye doctor to get new contacts ordered, and trying to get to my doctors somehow to give them their copy of my book as a Christmas present.
Wednesday I'm trying to figure something out to do with my dad, and then we're all (my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, possibly my aunt, and me) going out to dinner for my parents anniversary.
Thursday is getting close to Christmas, and I will be with my grandparents again and possibly my boyfriend because he has off work.
Friday my mom starts Christmas break and I'm exchanging presents with my boyfriend.
Saturday I open presents with my mom and dad in the morning, because it's Christmas eve, and then I go to church at night, and over to my aunt's house.
Sunday then is Christmas of course, which I will be spending with my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and aunt, after going to church in the morning.
I guess that's kind of overwhelming, but at the same time reassuring because I know what's going on, and that somehow helps me with my depression, or so I've learned.

I also want to do some kind of photo project with photo editing on my laptop and then some hand drawn art.
I went to the craft store today with my grandpa and got these five sketch pads and this thing with markers, colored pencils, crayons, oil pastels, and paint, which I think is pretty cool.
I really want to make something, I just have to kind of think about what I'm going to do so I don't like start and stop, or ruin it or anything.
So right now I'm going to finish some Christmas cards with my mom, have a snack if I can stomach one (I've been gagging on almost any type of food lately), and then work on something with my pictures.
Oh yeah, and I have to scan that paper for college.

Well I hope everyone has a wonderful week, and I will hopefully be posting again tomorrow.

Over You

Again, I hate talking about this whole situation, let alone on the Internet. Yet this is something that makes me feel like I'm taking some sort of step with my recovery, in that now I do have a voice. I remember listening to this song, lying on my bedroom floor, screaming, crying, until finally, one day, (Shane), I got over you. This is "Over You" by Daughtry.

Our Scars Remind Us That The Past Is Real

I feel so betrayed right now.
It feels like my heart has been ripped out from under me.
I suspected this for a long time, but now my fears have been confirmed.
The majority of my friends won't talk to me anymore.
These include mainly my friends from drumline, marching band, and concert band.
I just had, and still have, this gut feeling, that this guy (Shane we will call him) turned them against me.
From time to time, I'll see a post from someone on my friends list, and there will be the picture of (Shane) staring me in the face, piercing me with his words.
I have absolutely no feelings except hate towards (Shane) and the hurt he has caused me.
So, tonight, I decided to do a little investigating I guess you could call it, of his profile.
I basically had my deepest fears confirmed.
(Shane) is succeeding in life, (Shane) has my friends, (Shane) has everything I ever dreamed of.
He's a music education major at the same college I plan on attending in, like, a month.
I always wanted to be a music major.
He's like, a star percussionist, and thriving with every aspect of it.
I used to played the drums, I used to be good, if not great, and it was all ripped away from me by my eating disorder.
I feel like my life has been ripped out from under me by, none other than, (Shane).
I honestly believe there's some kind of little thing going on behind my back from High School still.
I have every reason to believe that the main guy here, is (Shane).
I don't like to talk about it, in fact, I almost refuse to talk about what happened between us, unless it is to my therapist or psychiatrist.
It just brings back every rude remark, every glare, every look, every emotion, every ounce of pain.
Basically, it brings back everything.
I hate how my old friends have turned against me.
I almost feel like I'm being made fun of  by them to some extent, like laughed at in the face.
I realize that some of this is me exaggerating, but if you were in my shoes, you would most likely feel betrayed also.
However, I am telling nothing but the facts based on my observations, and I would never lie.
I've learned that through (Shane), never lie, because he is honestly the biggest liar I know.
He stole my innocence, my identity, my friends, my heart, and, most of all my life.
And he gets away with everything.
He gets a knock on the door from a police officer, oh wow.
I get the police in my house, with me crying the hardest I ever cried in my life, exposing myself to a police officer.
Exposing every ounce of myself through treatment, the flashbacks, the blackouts, the nightmares.
And he doesn't even think twice about me except to make my life miserable.
I mean, it's like when I was a freshman he just lived to torture me in any way possible.
Well, (Shane) you have been exposed, what I can safely say about you anyway.
You've torn me apart, inch my inch, pound by pound.
Gosh, I hate talking about this, because I feel like such a weak, fragile, jealous little girl.
So to (Shane), thank you for ripping apart my heart and soul, taking over my life, and making me lose the girl I once was.
Thank you, and now good night.

This One's For The Girls

I chose a lyric video for this song because I really want everyone to pay attention to what she's singing about. This was my discovery of the night. Here is 'This One's For The Girls' by Martina McBride.

Ready Ready Ready Ready

This isn't going to be a long post, but there is something I have to say.
It's not evening anymore, and it's not really morning, so I'm basically awake in the middle of the night.
I've been downloading music for my movie like, all weekend.
Right now I'm getting a little tired, like I can feel my arms and hands relaxing, which feels so weird.
I did take my sleeping pills, so hopefully I'll be out soon.
I wasn't really tired earlier anyway, because I slept basically all morning.
Well I downloaded all the CD's that were in my bedroom, which took forever, because of course I have to choose the songs and stuff.
I then went to the landing where we have the rest of our CD's, mainly my dad's, but some my mom's and mine.
So I was going through some of our older music, and I stumbled upon this song.
I started to listen to it on my laptop and was like, oh my gosh, this song means something.
It's kind of like, the feeling that I'm not alone.
So, girls, this one's for you, good night.

Ordinary World

This is officially the title song to my documentary, project, whatever you want to call it, 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran.

There's An Ordinary World, Somehow I, Have To Find

I want to tell you all about a project I'm going to try to do, starting, now.
I recently found some of my old books on things like anorexia, bulimia, depression, borderline personality disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
I started to read them again, and I was going to take notes on them and hopefully prepare myself for starting psychology classes.
I don't know, I guess I thought that by reading them it would put those things behind me, help me to better understand myself, others, maybe even disconnect myself a little, whatever.
I was reading the books, and the anorexia, bulimia, and eating disorder ones got me really interested.
Obviously, I am recovering, or whatever you would call this stage, from anorexia and bulimia.
Then I was reading the introduction to 'Life Without Ed' and then I really, really got interested.
It made me start thinking, what good is reading these books when I know my story?
I mean I read all of those books a long time ago, when I was deeper into my eating disorder, and they honestly just triggered me.
Reading those books brought back all of those things, like, oh I remember that hungry feeling, I remember when I didn't eat, and it made me curious.
I had to snap myself out of it, so while I found my old journals from treatment, I decided to eat some animal crackers and drink some diet coke.
I know, that kind of sounds like a pathetic snack, but I was really, really proud of myself.
I not only pushed those thoughts behind me for awhile, I ate, when every inch of my body was screaming 'don't you dare do it, don't you dare'.
I told the voice to shut up, because I was starving, and I had to take my antibiotics with something (I have a sinus infection).
I could have easily went to bed and by morning forgot about the hunger, or skipped my antibiotic, because no one was around or anything.
But instead, I overcame, and I'm extremely proud of myself for that.
So what I'm getting at is, I decided that I'm going to make a documentary on eating disorders.
I don't know exactly how yet, I mean I need some more ideas, but I have some floating in my head.
I really want to be an advocate, like, hey, I am overcoming this, and I have made many strides, so why can't other people who are suffering?
I'm also pushing through terrible nausea right now which is a side effect from my antibiotics.
I saw a new doctor yesterday, and he said to just push through the nausea, using my nausea medicine when I need to, and things should get better when my sinus infection clears.
That guy, I only saw him once, but he really made an impression on me.
He asked me why I had gastroparesis, and I said I used to have an eating disorder, and he didn't even linger on it.
It was almost like he was just like, okay, you had an eating disorder, and now you're moving on.
He said I had idiopathic gastroparesis, which basically means it's there for no reason.
It also made me extremely happy because I can get rid of those doctors now, the ones who gave me the feeding tube and said it was all my anorexia, and are leaving my parents with the rest.
I am so proud and relieved to have them gone, put behind me, whatever.
Well, I know you may be thinking that making a documentary on eating disorders isn't exactly putting the anorexia and bulimia behind me.
Yet at the same time, it is, it really is, because sure I'm revisiting my past, but I'm also jumping into the here and now, along with my future.
I'm thinking about how the eating disorder impacted me, while telling how the eating disorder is affecting me now, and getting it out to move on to a better future.
I'm going to sit down and really think about how I want to do this.
I'm at my grandma and grandpa's house, and I want to wrap my Christmas presents with my grandpa, and my grandma wants to work on my Christmas scrapbooks, so I guess I have to make time to do that, and while I do that, I can talk to them and see if they have any ideas for me.
I also have therapy late this afternoon, and I hope to get some ideas from her too.
So basically, I'm going to try to continue writing on here throughout my project, to keep you updated and just to rant about how I'm doing and everything.
Oh, and my project is called 'Ordinary World' based on the song from Duran Duran.

Better Days

This song is extremely powerful to me. I'm pretty sure I didn't already post this song, and if I did I apologize, but I think it needs to be posted again. I'm getting severe pain in my spleen area right now, so I'm going to go for the night. This is 'Better Days' by the Goo Goo Dolls.

And You Ask Me What I Want This Year

Right now, I'm just sitting in bed, listening to 'Without You' by David Guetta on repeat, drinking 'Christmas Eve' flavored hot tea, which is getting cold, and writing to you.
This is kind of like the calm after the storm for me right now.
I kind of ended up breaking down on my boyfriend's couch about four hours ago.
We had a pretty good day, except I was having terrible mood swings for the majority of the day.
Like I said yesterday, my mom is in charge of the Christmas Program at our church, so we went to help her with that, which was basically me standing up front reading absent people's parts.
Then we stayed for church, which is something I haven't done in forever, the whole Sunday School and church in a row, back to back thing.
To be honest, it makes me really exhausted and tires me out, like I just can't keep my attention straight that long or my head in the service for the whole thing.
After that we went out to lunch to Panera with my mom and dad, and we had a pretty good time I would say.
We ended up laughing hysterically at the end over little things, which always feels good.
We went back to my house then so I could take my medicine and just hung out for awhile.
Then we went to his house because he wanted to help his dad decorate the Christmas tree, which was fine with me.
Until we got there, I got super depressed.
We did decorate the tree, and I ended up texting him telling him I was about to break down.
And I mean, I really had no reason to, because we were just decorating a Christmas tree and then sitting and watching football with his dad.
I just totally lost it then, crying hysterically in his arms, telling him 'I can't do this, I can't do this'.
He reassured me that I can do it, I made it this far, and I shouldn't give up, and that he's right there with me.
I ended up calling my mom to come and get me, and drop him off at a meeting and party he was going to for work.
It was just so weird, because I haven't officially broke down in front of him before.
I mean of course my mom has seen me through it all, but it kind of embarrasses me to break down in front of my family anymore, and I don't know why.
I guess I try to put on a strong face in front of them, and they see me act normal every day, so when I randomly break down, it's like 'what'?
I feel like these mood swings are honestly doing damage to my mind.
When I came home, I took a hot bath, ate a brownie I had left over from Panera, and fell asleep.
I was asleep for over two hours, and when I woke up, I honestly felt like I could not move.
It was like, okay Jenna, get out of bed now, and I was mentally awake, but my body would not wake up for anything in the world.
I had to talk to myself like, Jenna you have to get up, you can't lay in bed forever, yet my body would not send me any energy at all.
I finally pulled myself out of bed and went downstairs to eat a bowl of cereal because I didn't feel like I could stomach anything else.
Then I was helping my mom with her and my dad's Christmas cards, and I was totally fine, I was doing pretty good compared to where I was before.
Now I'm in my bedroom and I just want to cry again.
Except this time my boyfriend isn't here to hold me, and my mom isn't sitting beside my bed holding my hand, and no one is talking to me, and the tears are falling, and I just want to hide under the blankets.
I feel like I'm such a child, like I need my mom holding my hand when I cry.
But the tears are just pouring down my face, and I'm thinking again 'I can't do this, I can't do this'.
I don't feel capable of going to college, yet if I don't go I feel like I'm letting everyone down, myself included.
And I know my therapist and doctors would push me to go to college, for my own good and all, but I can't, I really can't, I do not feel physically or mentally capable at this point.
It's kind of like, back to square one, what do I do with myself?
I knew I wanted to major in psychology, I knew I wanted to help other people, yet if I can't even get myself together, how can I help someone else?
And I mean, I always wanted to do modeling or something, but my skin is ruined from the medicine I'm taking to raise my blood pressure and stuff.
Which on its own makes me feel extremely hideous and self-conscious.
If I could recommend one thing for myself, from a psychological point of view, from the advice of all the classes I took on psychology, I would say that I need to talk to my psychiatrist or my one specialist that I can think of who treats my fatigue.
Yet I'm so so so scared to, because I feel like I'm slipping, and it's not a good feeling.
My psychiatrist tells me that they haven't changed my medication dose in a year for depression and anxiety, and I feel like all that hard work would go down the drain.
Almost like going back to square one, like, oh they changed my medicine, there must be something wrong with me, like I'm failing at life.
I can tell that I'm not even thinking clearly.

I'm also overwhelmed with three appointments this week, Christmas coming up, and just dealing with my every day stuff.
This sounds absolutely horrible, but I wish they would just erase Christmas this year, say that Jesus was born, be happy for a few minutes, and then move on with our lives.
I'm not trying to downplay the whole Jesus thing, I'm just trying to downplay the business, the gifts, the shopping, the food, the decorations, etc.
I don't even know how to begin to explain that, but that's just how I feel about the whole topic right now.
I am defiantly not in the Christmas spirit, especially with some people telling me that I spend too much money on myself and other people, and that I need to stop spending.
I guess it's just, to see the smile on that person's face when I give them something, that good feeling you get deep inside, it just makes me feel good, for even just a second, it's worth it.
If I had my own money I would spend it, but I'm still technically living under my parent's roof.
Money is such a ridiculous subject for me, like it's become too important in our world, and there are other things that should be given a lot more attention then that.
For example, when I had my feeding tube, they expect money for it from my parents, and I mean sure, I had the feeding tube, but I was sick, I was honest to God sick, and now that's one more thing weighing my mom down.
That's not a main topic, just an example, and medical bills, whenever I go to the doctor's they're like 'remember to pay your monthly payment' it's never 'oh how are you doing Jenna' with those receptionists.
And I know it's their 'job' but it gets on my nerves sometimes.
At this point, I'm honestly just rambling about nothing and I really need to go to bed or lay down or something.
I guess I'm still writing on here because I know if I lay down I'll start to think and my mind will wander and I will start to cry over something.
But I'm going to shut up and take my medication and pray that I can hold it together tomorrow without breaking down again.

She's So Gone

So this Summer, a movie came out on Disney Channel called Lemonade Mouth. I thought it was lame at first, but it is a really good and inspirational movie. It actually inspired me for a time with my blog. My dad watched this movie like twenty times I swear, and bought the soundtrack the next day. I, on the other hand, bought this song as soon as the movie was over. It just like hits me, and inspires me. This is 'She's So Gone' sung by Naomi Scott from the movie Lemonade Mouth.

Here I Am, This Is Me

To start out tonight's post, I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog.
It really makes my day to see that people read what I'm saying, and just the whole aspect of the support, it is really appreciated.
I haven't written on here in a long, long time, so I apologize for that.
I was kind of sinking into the area of depression and no motivation.
At this point I came to realize that I am motivated, deep down inside I really am motivated to do things.
So if I am motivated, I should push myself, just that extra inch to try my best at life.
The problem is, it's not just depression that was striking me, it's also terrible fatigue and a brain fog that won't go away.
I've been reading a little bit about the whole Chronic Fatigue Syndrome thing, and it kind of gives me that little push that 'I can do this' with or without my fatigue.
Some people, no lie, with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are bed ridden, or can't talk, can't take care of themselves, or even do simple things.
It makes me realize how blessed I am to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that allows me to function.
Some mornings the fatigue is so strong that I honestly struggle to get out of bed.
I feel like I rely on caffeine to get through my day, like I had three caffinated Diet Cokes today, which is like a record for me (caffeine makes my insomnia so much worse so I try to avoid it).
I mean, sure, sometimes the fatigue is really, really bad, yet I can still manage to put one foot in front of the other,
Yes, I do need to rest more than most people, but it's just how my body is right now.
That being said, we have a Christmas Program at our church for the kids, and my mom is in charge of it like always.
This is the first year I'm not qualified to read or anything, so I told her that I would help her out with the program.
I wasn't planning on going, because it means I have to wake up early, function through the day, etc.
I decided to ask my boyfriend to come with me, to give me some motivation.
It looks like tomorrow morning I'm going to go to church, with my mom, and my boyfriend, for Christmas Program rehearsal and church.
I basically have the rest of the day planned with my boyfriend, which feels good too.
It felt good to hang out with him today again too.
We watched Titanic, took a dinner break and went to Chili's with his dad and step mom, and then finished the movie.
I don't want to sound like weird but it almost made me cry at the end.
I won't ruin the ending, but it's extremely sad, yet romantic, kind of like you just want to lay there and take it all in, which is what I did.
Plus it's my boyfriend's favorite movie, so I had to see the whole thing eventually.
I was freezing my butt off ever since I got to his house, so I've been wearing another one of his sweatshirts, which is a nice feeling in some way I can't even explain.
The only problem right now is I'm having a lot of pressure in my lower lower abdomen and a little bit into my back, so I'm thinking I might have an infection of some sort.
I do have three appointments this week.
Tuesday morning I go to see my one specialist for a yearly check.
Wednesday I meet my new gastroenterologist and Thursday I have therapy.
I know I'm going to have a busy week, because Monday my boyfriend has off work and Friday I'm going with my grandma and grandpa to get Christmas trees.
Plus I have to (sometime) renew my drivers permit and see what's up with college.
I did turn in my college application, now they need my transcript and test scores.
Things get stressful, but it does give me things to focus my mind on besides depression and fatigue all the time.
Right now, I'm in pain, but I'm going to keep pushing through, and trying to smile, faking it until I make it (as some doctor told me a long time ago).
It sounds really bad, like a horrible idea, but really, if you get in the habit of doing something, it becomes second nature to you if you push through the hard stuff.
At least that's how I think of it.

Never Gonna Leave This Bed

I love this song, and I also love the video. It really makes me just want to cuddle with my boyfriend, again, for the rest of the night. This is 'Never Gonna Leave This Bed' by Maroon 5.

And I'm Hanging On A Moment With You

Happy (almost) Thanksgiving to everyone!
I am super excited to write on here tonight!
I'm sitting on my bed, wearing my boyfriend's sweatshirt, writing, and drinking 'candy cane lane' flavored hot tea, which is a pretty amazing way to spend my night if you ask me.
If you're wondering why I'm wearing my boyfriend's sweatshirt, it's not just because I'm freezing cold and trying to get warm, but because we had a pretty amazing night together.
I went over to his house tonight, and we hung out and played video games for awhile, which you probably know isn't my favorite hobby by any means.
Then we decided to watch a movie, a romantic movie at that.
Okay, I'm not going to go into mushy details about how we watched the movie or anything, but there are important details included.
In the beginning we cuddled, and the way he held me, I actually felt content in his arms.
It was kind of like this feeling I never felt before.
I wasn't like, oh my gosh I just want to go home, I was watching the movie, and he was holding me close, and it just felt so, right.
Of course, when his parents went upstairs and stuff we kissed and stuff, of course.
It was honestly one of the most passionate moments of my life.
I had my arms around him, and he had his arms around me, and whenever our lips touched, I just knew how much I loved him.
I could have laid with him, kissed him, cuddled with him, for the rest of my life.
It was just so comfortable, so romantic.
Each kiss, so passionate, each touch so gentle, everything was like perfection.
We were talking tonight about when he's going to propose to me, which I guess you don't really talk about, but we did anyway.
I've been kind of on the border with that, like I want to wear his ring, I want to say I'm his, and I want to eventually marry him, but it's like when? because time plays a role in all this.
Well, I realized at this point, after tonight, that I really want to spend my life with him, for real for real.
I didn't want to leave his side tonight for anything.
I just wanted one more hug, one more kiss, one more second in his arms, anything.
I really believe that I love this guy with my whole heart, and I can tell, I can just tell, that he really loves me back.
He is the happiness in my life, one of my biggest supports, and most of all, my love.
Right now, I would love to be laying beside him in bed, just holding each other tight, knowing that I have my love right there with me.
I know I'm eighteen, I'm not trying to rush things, but I want to just like, I don't know, say 'this guy is mine, forever and always'.
I want to wear his ring, walk down the aisle with him, go to France on our honeymoon to look for David Guetta on the beach, spend my life with him, share the memories, share my life with him.
I love him so much, I really do.
It's going to be hard being away from him until next week, because tomorrow is Thanksgiving and then my mom and I are hopefully going away for the weekend.
I do however know that some quality time with my mom is important too, and something I also enjoy.
Plus shopping is always wonderful, especially for Christmas presents.
Shopping for Christmas presents has become one of my favorite online hobbies, so imagine how fun it will be in a huge mall!
I'm working on these books for my close family members about things we are thankful for.
I found a list on the Internet of sixty things to be thankful for, and it's very appropriate.
Right now, I just want to say to God and to everyone that I am thankful for the time I've spent with my grandparents this week, the time I am about to spend with my dad and his parents tomorrow, the weekend I can spend with my mom, and of course my boyfriend.
Enjoy your holiday everybody!

Everything

Yes, I realize that these are just lyrics. I was looking for the music video for this song, but I couldn't find a version that I could post on here. This song means so much to me. I feel like it describes me perfectly most of the time. Plus, it comforts me that someone else wrote this song, like they know how I'm feeling, and they understand. This is 'Everything' by Buckcherry.

Nothing Lasts Forever But Be Honest Babe

Again, I have more catching up to do, but my first order of business is this.
I got these photo albums yesterday at Hallmark that I just couldn't leave the store without.
I saw one first for my dad with Snoopy on it, and he loves Snoopy, so that one was sold.
Then I saw one with Disney Princesses on it, so I really wanted it, not to sound selfish or anything, I just have this thing where if I get my family something, I kind of want something myself to match it.
So I got my mom one with Micky Mouse on it because she likes Disney too.
I found a cute one for my aunt, so I had to get my grandma and grandpa one too, as much as they argued about it, it's kind of like a project for me, so I got them each one with patterns on them too.
They're just little flip book things, but they're adorable and I can see them as being special.
So anyway, I looked at my pictures last night from my camera and found some good ones.
I found some for everyone's album, and I found more today from my grandpa's camera.
Well I asked my mom for some pictures tonight for me to look at, and she gave me some really old ones.
These pictures start right after my parents were married up until right before I was born, well at least the album I was looking at.
I saw all these pictures of my mom and dad, and how they looked so happy, so normal, so content.
I saw my grandma and grandpa,and how young they looked, and my other grandma and grandpa, and how they almost seemed, I can't think of a better word to use except human.
I know my grandpa is still doing well, it's just that my grandma has Parkinson's Disease, so it's kind of sad to watch her deteriorate.
Then of course there were pictures of my aunt who I'm close to, and my great grandparents who were alive at the time, and other relatives, like my aunt and uncle and cousin.
I didn't really get to the album of when I was born yet, because I'm not ready to look at that at this moment in time.
It makes me sad sometimes, like I just want to cry, because I was so innocent, so young and had the world in front of me, and I miss those days.
Then you can see things change, and I know things changed, I guess I should talk about that.
My dad has depression, which in some of the pictures you can see him struggling.
I knew he had depression and anxiety when my parents were first married, but it becomes more apparent as time goes on, simply because I know my dad.
It's really sad to see my grandparents age, because I am super close to my mom's parents, and I still care about and love my dad's parents, don't get my wrong.
I've seen my great grandparents, who have all since died.
I was closer to my great grandmas (my grandmas' moms) who died when I was young, so I don't have many memories with them though.
I remember family reunions and holidays with my grandpa's dad and step-mom and how they both recently died.
Those deaths were kind of hard on me for the sole reason of my grandpa.
These were his parents, obviously, and I was staying with them when they each died.
In fact, I knew about my step great grandmother's death before my grandpa did.
I remember I had to get blood tests done, so when my grandma went back with my I told her and we agreed to let my aunt and uncle tell my grandpa.
We went to the gas station next door to get me some breakfast because I was fasting, and his cell rang and my uncle told him.
It was kind of different when my great grandpa died, because that was his real dad.
Even though I wasn't at the house when they got the phone call, my grandma said it wasn't a good situation, which I can believe.
You have to know more about my great grandparents to understand the whole situation, but I don't think it's appropriate for me to go into details on the Internet or anything.
What the pictures really make me think about more than my family is myself.
We don't have many pictures from when I was struggling with my Anorexia really bad, but I did find one in my grandpa's photos.
I was in treatment and had off on weekends, and we were at a family reunion in like August.
Everyone was gathered around the long table getting their food, and I was sitting by myself, waiting for my family to get their food, eating a packed lunch of peanut butter and jelly, with my light brown curly hair and my skinny arms sticking out.
It was kind of shocking to see, because I had totally blocked that out of my mind.
Yet deep in the back of my mind, sometimes I think that I wish it was back to those days of treatment.
Not that I want to be in treatment again especially, but that I want that comfort back.
Back then, I had the comfort of my mom staying with me and my grandma and grandpa coming when my mom had something to do with her school.
I also had all of the support I could ever want, I had my school friends who were actually worried about me.
They would call me from band camp, or text me during breaks or when I was home.
I also had the other girls there who knew what I was feeling like, and just having them be there in groups with me felt good.
I also lived in the Ronald McDonald house at that point during the week.
Every Sunday night my mom and I would drive up north to where my treatment program was, and every Friday afternoon we would drive home for the weekend.
Something about the house was comforting too.
I guess it was just because there were other people there too who were sick, and it made me feel like I was actually sick, and it was kind of like my safe haven to stay in.
I couldn't really sleep at that point from insomnia, so I would go on a lot of walks with my mom, even though I wasn't allowed to exercise.
We would color and play games, and I would write and listen to music, and we would talk, I would struggle through my meals until it was time for me to go to the program.
I'm not going to say things were perfect, because there were a lot of times where I would have panic attacks, be suicidal, and smother myself under the blankets for hours.
The point I'm trying to make is it was just somewhat easier at that time, somehow.
I just feel like things then would swing back and fourth between better and worse and better and worse.
I got worse with my Anorexia, went into treatment, got better, got worse with my Bulimia, got better, got worse with my acid reflux and stomach problems, had a feeding tube, got better, etc.
There was also a dark time in there where I honestly just wanted to die, so I was sent to Crisis Intervention at the emergency room, and then to my fourth hospital.
At this point, I honestly don't know how I feel.
I feel like things have changed so so so much.
I wonder if all of this wouldn't have happened, if things would still be like they are now?
Would my family be smiling if I didn't have to struggle as I do?
Would things be easier on them if I had lived a better life?
Part of the guilt goes back on me, not for being born because that was my parents choice to have a child, but for some of the decisions I've made, the way I've acted, etc.
I think I'm going to have a totally different outlook on life after this post.
I feel myself slipping back into my depression somewhat, and I think this basically confirms it.
Today when my mom came back from work, I barely had the energy to talk to her, and didn't really want to.
When she asked me what was wrong, I basically yelled at her for not leaving me alone when I didn't feel good.
That brought me to, wait, I actually don't feel good, somethings wrong, and I can't put my finger on it.
I guess the answer to that would be: the weather's changing so I'm freezing cold constantly, I have fevers off and on, my stomach is bloated, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm getting depressed.
Part of me is like missing my safe little world where I was extremely sick, but everything seemed ok, because I just had to focus on recovery, on me, and on getting better.
Now it's all about driving, college, starting my life, and all that good stuff.
The thing is, what if I really don't want to do that?
I've learned at this point not to turn to suicide, because I've had numerous lessons in terms of that, and do not wish to take my own life, ever.
All I want, all I really want is that comfort that I had back then, friends, family, love, support.
I by no means want to backslide in terms of my anorexia and/or bulimia.
I just don't know how to find that balance, that balance between having what I had then, but also having my health.
This is honestly breaking my heart right now.
I don't know what to do, or what the heck I'm going to do about this one.
It's almost Thanksgiving, I'm supposed to be thankful, be grateful, be happy.
But I'm not, I can tell myself that I am, but I'm not.
That brings me back to what do I do? Honestly, what do I do?
Call my psychiatrist and ask for an increase in my depression medication?
Tell my therapist next Wednesday how miserable and torturous this is becoming?
But until then, what do I do?
Because honestly all I want to do is lay in bed, not just because I'm sad, but because I don't have the energy to do much of anything.
Tomorrow I'm going with my grandma and grandpa to drop off these boxes for needy kids at this church that's about a half hour away.
I don't want to go, because I hate being crammed in the back seat with a ton of boxes, where I'm getting dizzy and nauseous because of them like last year, but I know this is somehow important to them, so I'm going anyway.
Well, right now I'm drained, so I'm going to do some more intense thinking and go to bed for the night.
I've been trying to put more of my trust in God, so a little prayer might not be a bad idea either.

Livin' On A Prayer

I absolutely love Bon Jovi. But anyway, I chose this song for tonight because, well right now I'm basically at the point where I'm just trying to get through each day the best I can. This is an old song, but defiantly a classic and a great one. This is 'Livin' On A Prayer' by Bon Jovi.

Walking In A Straight Line

Wow, I haven't written here in forever!
I guess I have a lot of catching up to do!
Well right now, I'm on this website designing my own Christmas presents.
How cool is that, right?
After making all of my Hello Kitty cards for my family and friends, my Simon Le Bon fan club tshirt, and David Guetta tshirt, I stumbled upon something else.
There are these two pins, one for Bulimia and one for Anorexia.
They say 'Recover(ed)' and have the ribbon thing on them.
I thought they were pretty awesome, so I put them in my cart (which my mom will go through later).
Then I thought, is it right having two pins about Eating Disorders?
I mean obviously I struggl(ed) with Anorexia and Bulimia, but is it something you want to advertise or whatever?
I mean, I don't want to let my Eating Disorders be my identity, yet they are still a part of me, for better or for worse.
The other question is, am I at a good enough stage to have pins that say recover(ed)?
In my opinion, if I have the will power to put them in the cart and even consider buying them, doesn't that mean I'm at a good point in my recovery?
Either way, I'm buying each of them.
I haven't really gone into much detail as far as my Eating Disorder(s) go, and I promise I won't be triggering or anything, but I guess since I'm on the topic, I can write about it a little.
Well, I have problems with my stomach, like I cannot throw up, no matter how nauseous I am.
I've come to accept that it's just the way my body is.
I mean, it's not just with purging (which I haven't done in almost a year), it's with regular nausea too.
It sounds gross but I can be coughing and gagging, and will never throw up.
Last night, for the first time in, well a year I guess, I threw up.
I didn't purge by any means, which is the other weird part.
Through the process of not being able to throw up, I guess it kind of helped me with my Bulimia too.
If I can't throw up, what's the point in purging?
That was my view in the beginning, but now it has changed.
Now it's more like, I don't want to purge, and even if I wanted to I couldn't, so let's forget about purging.
As far as my Anorexia goes, I don't really know how to explain that aspect of it.
I'm not restricting, I'm not choosing the low fat or low calorie foods.
I do drink a lot of Diet Coke, which is kind of like something I've been doing for the past five years anyway.
I choose diet beverages, but that's about it, I eat basically whatever I want.
I do struggle with digestive problems, so it comes down to me feeling sick more than wanting to restrict.
I get a lot of nausea, bloating, and pain, so that's basically what ends up controlling my appetite at this point.
I eat what I want, what I can, when I can, but food is still sometimes a struggle, in a different way than before tho.
I don't want to lose weight, I don't want to be stick thin, I don't push away food or refuse to eat it, I don't avoid eating at meal times or when I'm hungry, and I don't constantly weigh myself.
I would say that part of me still has that little Eating Disorder voice in the back of my head, but I can manage it.
I also expect that little voice to stay here, but it's whatever at this point.
Something else I just thought of was this.
Someone who goes to my church, I totally forget who, their grandson overdosed on medication, which is something that kind of hits home for me.
I mean, if it wasn't in a better place mentally that could have been me doing that.
Me taking those pills, me being in intensive care, me having my parents and grandparents crying about me, and in the end, me being in that coffin in the front of the church this Wednesday.
Yes, sad to say, he did die.
Which makes me feel horrible, because I hate to hear anything like that.
It makes me so glad that I got the help that I did when I did, and that I was given everything I was given to survive.
I don't get suicidal anymore, really I don't, but sometimes things like that make me think.
I get really scared when I have to take a third anxiety pill on any given day, or even two at a time, I hold the pill in my hand, put it in my mouth, and am still reluctant to swallow.
I do take the pill, which I am allowed to and supposed to do, but it's just that fear.
Like what is this medicine going to do to me?
I get that way too when they raise a dose of my medication, or switch medications on me.
It gets kind of freaky sometimes until I really get used to it.
Well, this was deep compared to my usual daily ramblings.
Right now, I'm going to take my sleeping pills, do something or other until I get sleepy, and go to bed.

Sophie

I know that these are just lyrics, and I know that everyone with an eating disorder has probably heard this song a million times, but that does not decrease the meaning in this song. I feel that tonight I need to share this song. This is 'Sophie' by Eleanor McEvoy.

They Don't Understand It

I was just drinking hot tea and eating ice cream with my mom.
We were talking about things, you know, involving me.
It really makes me think sometimes.
My mom and I always wonder, what if?
Like, what if my life would have gone differently?
At this point I can see that everything that happened has happened for a reason, and has shaped me into who I am today, which I wouldn't change for anything.
Yet still, there's always that question, what if?
What if I would have stopped eating? Never cut myself? Never had depression? Never got anxiety? Never binged? Never purged? Never been suicidal?
I guess that would be like saying, what if I never made a mistake?
I know I'm not perfect, and I know I used to strive for perfection, yet now it seems so futile.
I was all focused on being perfect, and now I'm focused on surviving day to day life.
That's kind of scary to hear.
My mom agrees with me that I was always kind of depressive.
I mean I was a semi-happy child, I had my fun times, but there was just something about me.
Like I remember in elementary school when I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to go to school, so my mom took me to see a doctor and they said I just needed to get more sunlight.
With all I know about psychology now, doesn't something like that signal a spell of depression?
In middle school too, I seemed to be happy, but I don't remember being totally content or anything.
I felt ugly, like an outcast, like I could never compare to anyone else.
I actually remember my teachers loving my friends, and not paying attention to me.
I would strive for that attention, because I would get grades just as good as them, in fact I was probably the better person of the bunch, but I didn't get that attention from them.
I remember this one project I did in high school biology and my friends Lindsey and Dana and I made a video at my house.
Now, Lindsey and Dana are great people, and I still have respect for them, but we used MY camera, MY computer, MY house, MY script, and I even edited the project on my own time when they had to go home.
The catch here is they both got better grades than me.
I feel like I never got attention from teachers, besides one teacher I can think of (in public high school that is).
It was my ninth grade English teacher, and she was amazing.
We had this assignment called 'I come from' and we had to write a poem about it.
I read my poem to the class, which we all had to do, and when I started talking about my eating disorder (which wasn't straightforward or anything) she started to cry.
That was the only paper anyone in that class ever shared that made her cry, so I felt an immediate connection to her.
It was kind of like she understood me through my writing.
I remember writing another story about a girl and her imaginary friend who was perfect and she could never compare (or something along those lines).
When my 'friends' came over for my birthday last year, I had a long talk with my 'friends' Kayla and Sarah about my eating disorder.
They said that everyone noticed I was getting super skinny, and there were rumors going around that I was anorexic.
But they never said anything, not a word.
No one tried to help me at all.
Well, my friend Dana did, she offered to have her mom and her take me to see a doctor, but that didn't really end up happening.
I still to this day thank Dana for that, she was the only one who seemed to want to help.
The others' excuse was 'well we didn't know what to do' but they could have done something, anything, because everyone knew I was dying, but none of them wanted to help.
I hold a strong anger towards those people who stood back and didn't even ask me if I was okay.
How hard is it to ask your best friend if she's okay?
I remember my one friend Tara, who told me she was bulimic.
She had to have known I was struggling, I mean she was there herself.
Now Tara won't even contact me, nor Emily or Matt or Chelsea, the people who were in my section in band.
Neither will anyone in my old band section now that I think about it.
Well that was all Shane's fault, for turning everyone in the percussion section against me.
I don't want to go into details about that on my blog, but I will be totally honest and say almost none of that was my fault.
So, if I was around any of those people right now, and I didn't hold my anger inside of me, they would be getting a punch in the face.
It makes me so angry to think how people gossip about someone being anorexic or bulimic, basically watching them die, and not doing a thing about it.
This world makes me so angry sometimes.

I Run To You

I didn't really have a song for tonight off the top of my head, but when I looked, I found this one. I don't really have much else to say, except that this is 'I Run To You' by Lady Antebellum.

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table with my mom while she corrects her school papers.
I'm drinking 'Candy Cane Lane' hot tea, which is really good.
I was basically miserable earlier, and then I took a nap, and since I woke up I'm doing better.
I went to the mall today with my boyfriend, grandma, and grandpa.
We ended up going to Bath and Body Works to get Christmas lotion and Christmas soap, and Kohl's to finally get my stockings.
They're so cute, with jingle bells and fur at the top, and I love them.
We went to the drug store to get my grandma's medicine.
My grandma was really grumpy, no offence, and it was making me kind of upset.
I guess I can't blame her personally because I know she's in pain and uncomfortable, but still it gets kind of upsetting.
If I would have written this post before, I would have been complaining about how miserable my day was and why me and all that good stuff.
I'm in better spirits now, so I'm trying to focus on the good instead of the bad.
I had a fever a little while ago too, which is also no fun.
My grandpa and I also ordered my pictures (finally, I know) for my photo albums.
Tomorrow I am going somewhere with my dad, since he has off work.
The rest of the week I think I'm going to make Christmas plates that we got and work on my Thanksgiving bags and Christmas stockings.
I know you're probably thinking it's too early for that, but I want to get these things started little by little.
I also had an idea for a small photo book for my family, and possibly make custom ornaments or something.
I don't know why but I love designing stuff now.
I feel like, I don't know, there are so many things I can do like that.
I'm kind of taking a break from my Anatomy, Psychology, Biology, and Trigonometry, because I think I just plain out need a break.
I need to focus on bettering myself at this time and on applying for financial aid and to college.
I was kind of getting mad tonight too because my belly button like swelled up and my ring won't fit in anymore.
I don't know if it's because my belly button is swollen just from me having the ring in, or if I gained weight.
I know I gained weight since this Summer, and didn't really mind.
Now it's kind of discouraging because I have to let my holes grow closed, at least until the swelling goes down.
I am determined, however, not to let this stop me, because I can always get it done again next year if I really want to.
My stomach has been settling down, thank goodness.
I still can't eat a lot a lot, but I was able to eat three meals and two snacks today.
I just get extremely bloated and uncomfortable, but not much nausea anymore.
I'm thankful for the no nausea part.
As far as the fatigue goes, it's just doing okay.
I think I just needed sleep to get me feeling better.
So since I slept earlier, needless to say I'm wide awake now.
I'm going to stay up a little later yet, but sleep when I get tired for sure.
Basically right now, I'm realizing that I do need to look past the bad things, and I can get through this, because I am stronger than I think.
I mean I only have to see my psychiatrist every three months and therapist every two to three weeks, which is awesome.
I still see my other doctors, like all of them in the next two months, but it's okay with me.
Not saying I love going to the doctor's, but they help me out so much, like I'm so thankful for my treatment team.
Oh, and I did get a new gastroenterologist in my hometown, instead of at the big hospital far away.
I just have to call and schedule with them.
I just scheduled with dermatology finally and I see them in January.
I have this pimply rash on my back, stomach, arms, and chest, which is really something I'm self-conscious about.
I haven't been hot and itchy in awhile, but sometimes I get very itchy skin too.
They have me on prescription antihistamines for that and I was actually able to get off of them.
I take them as needed, which feels good because it's one less pill.
I'm taking my stomach medicine as I was before at this point so I am feeling better in terms of reflux and spasms.
It's just this feeling of fullness and discomfort, so I can't really complain.
I guess so is life, as long as I'm managing, I'd say I'm doing just fine.

Straight Lines

Daniel Johns, the singer from this band, is truly an inspiration to me. He suffered from Anorexia in the past, while being in a band no less, and has since recovered (or at least is in a better place than he was, because who am I to talk, I don't know the guy personally). I like to play this song really loud some nights because I get into it so much. I feel like I can relate to it, with being sick and all with other health issues. Daniel Johns also has some form of arthritis I believe? Well this song is one of my favorites ever. This is 'Staight Lines' by Silverchair.

Been A Long Time But I'm Back In Town

I'm getting into the Christmas spirit with (hopefully) getting my Christmas stockings soon!
I went to Target today with my mom, after church and lunch with my family.
We were looking for stockings, but there weren't any out there yet at that store.
I found some on the Internet and some at Kohl's, so hopefully I will get them sometime soon.
My mom and I are also making pre-Christmas / Thanksgiving bags, so we got bags and stickers and cute Christmas bows so we can decorate them this week.
I got some stuff for my stockings already!
Basically, if you didn't figure it out, I love filling stockings.
This year I have twelve, yes twelve, to fill, and everyone thinks I'm crazy.
It does seem like a lot, but I don't see myself cutting anyone off of my list.
I need one for: mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, another aunt, other grandma, other grandpa, boyfriend, two friends, and myself.
It may sound conceited but I love the little things I buy so I want to keep some of the stuff for myself so I can remember the holiday and stuff.
I don't go and buy everyone something different, I just buy little things and divide them, or rather my mom and grandpa help with that.
So this ends the weekend.
I have to call my regular doctor to talk to him and check in tomorrow, schedule with psychiatry, set up an appointment with dermatology (which I have been putting off for months), and try to find a new gastroenterologist.
And if I do find a new gastroenterologist, I have to call and tell my old doctors good bye.
It's kind of sad, because Dr. S was a really good doctor, and I grew to like him.
But if I think about it, he was kind of mean to me, like how he wrote on my medical form I needed my feeding tube for Anorexia, when clearly I was recovering at that point.
I'm not just saying that either, I honestly was having terrible acid reflux, and was trying to eat but couldn't, and he knew that.
Of course that messed up insurance and all that good stuff.
So I guess I'm better off without him anyway.
And this new lady? She is so ridiculous and mean. We're done.
So tomorrow will be filled with phone calls, and maybe I will start decorating my holiday plates that I got on Friday at the craft store.
Otherwise, I'm still working on those darn photo books, and making up my mind with them and the stockings.
Like which I want now, if I should even order both, or what I should do.
This week I'm hoping to go to Bath and Body Works to get their Christmas lotions (since there buy three get three free and I have coupons!) and the card store to look for stuff.
I'm still doing pretty good with my mood and everything.
My stomach is getting full really easily again.
I wasn't able to eat very much today, but I'm still doing okay I guess.
I had to take nausea medicine for the first time in a few days tonight.
I'm feeling okay with my stomach tonight, but I'm still not hungry.
I ate dinner later, so I don't know if I should be having a snack or not.
Well actually I do know the answer, I probably should.
But my stomach can't handle it at this point, so I think that's a good enough excuse, if there ever was a good one.
I'm getting that queasy, bloated feeling right now too.
It's kind of uncomfortable, but I will be fine.
I will survive, I will survive.

Makes Me Wonder

I rediscovered this song last night, and I fell in love with it. I couldn't post last night because I had major writer's block. So tonight, I had to share this very song. I don't know if they swear or not in this version, and I apologize if they do. I'm not really like that. But the song is so, inspiring, in a weird way. At least in my opinion. This is 'Makes Me Wonder' by Maroon 5.

Cheers To The Freaking Weekend

I have a plate of rainbow goldfish crackers in front of me, a diet coke, my music, my phone, and my pink laptop, so I'm pretty much content.
I went out to lunch today with my friends Ashley and Raymond and then we walked into a few stores.
Then Ashley and I went Christmas shopping at the mall and got iced coffee.
I wish my boyfriend could have come with us, but we still had a good time.
I guess he can find out by reading this, but we're all four finding a time to see the Harold and Kumar Christmas movie.
I love love love the Harold and Kumar go to White Castle movie, it is so hilarious, and is in fact probably one of my favorite movies.
I was watching TV the other night, which is a rare occasion because I barely ever watch TV, and I saw the advertisement and I like screamed.
I was like 'oh my gosh' and I realized that I have to have to have to see this movie.
So anyway we're all going to go see that movie.
Then we decided we might all go Black Friday shopping, like early in the morning with the crowds.
I never did that before in my life, so I think it will be pretty fun.
I'm thinking we should go shopping and then crash at my house that whole day.
But anyway, I'm getting really excited for the holiday season.
I got a pink Christmas tree with a Hello Kitty ornament for the top, and a silver Christmas tree with a Diet Coke ornament for the top.
My trade mark thing to do at Christmas is to buy adorable stockings and stuff them for my family and close friends.
I'm working on it already, which is so fun, because I love picking out little things for them.
I went to the craft store with my grandma and grandpa on Friday and got these adorable plates and Christmas stuff to glue on them, like these gingerbread men and snowmen, and bows, and glitter.
I can't wait to make them because I'm sure they will be adorable.
I love doing crafts too.
Tomorrow I'm actually going to try to go to church, because I'm feeling pretty much better that I have before.
I was having some stomach problems around dinner time.
My stomach was really bloated, and I thought I gained weight.
Which doesn't really matter if I did because I'm not weighing myself anymore.
But I guess I'm just bloated, and it's kind of uncomfortable.
I took some nausea medicine and my IBS medicine, and now I'm feeling somewhat better.
I was just exhausted earlier, so I took two naps, which is not my idea of fun.
I guess I need my sleep though, and we get an extra hour of sleep tonight, so I'm down with that.
I'm going to stay awake for awhile because I found it's futile to try to sleep when I'm not tired.
I end up just listening to music with my eyes wide open and sometimes that makes my mind race, which isn't good.
So, it's Saturday night, and I'm just chilling at home, and that's alright with me.
Usually I would be like 'oh my gosh, why can't I be out partying or doing something, anything' but I'm pretty much content now.
I've been hanging out with my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my boyfriend, and my friends more lately.
I used to be a little more wild in my high school years.
And for tonight, we will leave it at that.

Teenage Dream

I was saving this song for just the right night, and I believe that tonight is the night. Enough said. This is 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry.

We Found Love

So, I'm talking to my boyfriend right now.
And I was just joking around, until we got on the topic of me getting a ring.
And he was actually serious about it.
I was like, in shock, because, I don't even know.
I mean I know if we're going to stay together he has to get me something like that eventually.
It's just like, wow, this is happening?
He says he already has everything planned out.
He's taking me out to dinner and then 'buying me something special' but we were actually talking rings, so I don't know where this is going to go.
And he said very very soon.
So I'm like, ecstatic, because he's like the best boyfriend.
Not just because of that of course, but in basically every way possible.
I honestly love spending every minute with him that I do, and he's so supportive of everything, and sweet, and cute, and nice, and I could go on but I think you get the picture.
I had therapy tonight, and she said that mood wise I'm doing really good too.
I don't know, it just feels like, I'm at a different place in life.
I just got rid of all of my eating disorder/sick clothes that were hanging in the back of my closet (along with many others that just didn't go with my attitude anymore).
I also got rid of tons of my childhood junk that I stored in my closet and don't really need, to make room for my new stuff.
I feel like with each day I'm growing stronger.
My stomach is getting better, my mood is good, and I know what I need to do to keep my body healthy.
I have a totally different color of hair now, and am taking pride in doing the total girl thing, putting on my make up, straightening my hair, picking out my clothes, actually picking up my bedroom, etc.
I feel like, even though half the time I'm in a daze, my personality is back to the 'good Jenna' one.
I feel strong, like I actually have power over things.
I can tell my eating disorder to back off, and that's somewhere I've never been.
I can tell my depression that 'things will get better' and my anxiety that 'things will be okay'.
I am able to reason with myself over stupid things that I come up with when I take my sleeping pills.
I don't like writing about how good I'm doing, honestly, because something always comes crashing down.
I'm just putting my faith in God and hoping that it doesn't happen this time.
Plus it's the holiday season, well almost, and I love this time of year.
I know I should probably be overwhelmed with with applying to college, and not knowing where my future is going, but I feel like now I am able to guide it better.
I found pictures of my old friends hiding in my closet, and was able to throw them in my 'get rid of' bin.
I have pictures of my mom and dad and my boyfriend hanging in my bedroom right now, along with my 'Keep Calm and Carry On' picture.
I'm working on adding new pictures too, and guess who they're going to be of?
My family and my true friends!
I'm excited to hopefully go to Panera for breakfast on Saturday with my best friends Ashley and Raymond and then hang out with my boyfriend and Ashley.
I'm also excited because tomorrow is Friday, which means the weekend.
I'm going to call my doctor and show him how there's a difference like night and day.
But it isn't the difference the stupid doctor promised with 'the perfect diet'.
There is no such thing as the freaking perfect diet.
But what I can do that makes a difference is focus on the positives, take my medication, eat according to my body, stay hydrated, and work on being comfortable in my skin.
Then maybe I could go to the store with my grandparents (we were thinking about it) to get some Christmas and holiday craft stuff.
Ah, I don't know, I'm in a good mood, which is usually a rare occurrence for me.
I'm usually in this, whatever attitude, but it feels good to feel better than normal for once.
I actually have things in my life that I never once dreamed of, but that make me happy, and that's what matters right now.

Over It

Such a great song, with such a powerful message. I'm learning in life that sometimes, you just have to get over things and move on. You can change things in your life, because you're living in your body, and no one can take your power of individuality away from you. This is called 'Over It' by Katherine McPhee.

I Will Never Be The Same

Today, I had basically a total physical and personal make-over.
I woke up, and I felt so uncomfortable in my skin.
I tried on like a million outfits, and did my hair a million ways.
I ended up washing my hair at the sink and putting a ton of surf cream and hair gel in my hair.
I grabbed a pair of boots, a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch, and my skinny jeans, and called my grandma.
My grandpa was waiting for me, but it's kind of a girl thing, and I needed to talk to someone who understood.
I told her how I was feeling terrible, inside and out, and wondered if we could go to the mall.
Shopping is like therapy for me, no lie.
My boyfriend was going to come with us too (we were all planning on going to the mall or the craft store and out to lunch anyway).
She understood and said that it was fine.
I was still feeling somewhat uncomfortable in my skin.
I get this way sometimes, like, I can't stand my clothes, I feel hideous, nothing fits right, etc.
And I know the solution isn't to go spend a fortune at the mall, but I kind of have the exceause that my clothes don't fit right because of my weight going all over the place.
Plus I love clothes, and the styles change.
I have some clothes from five years ago because at times I get to that size again.
We went out for lunch, and I actually ate a normal sized lunch and had a coke zero.
It felt so good to be able to eat, without any stomach medicine besides a nausea pill.
I couldn't eat dessert because I didn't want to press my luck, but we went for a snack later anyway.
My grandma got me a dress, two sweaters, a skirt, a scarf, and a necklace, and for that I am extremely thankful.
Then she and my grandpa came over and my grandma helped me to get rid of those clothes from five years ago, the clothes that are too small, the clothes that are too big, and it felt so good.
I have a box full of clothes that I just want out of my closet, for obvious reasons.
When my mom came home, she took me to get my hair done too, which I am also grateful for.
My hair looks so cute, too.
It's dark brown with brown/red foil highlights and it's layered more and a little shorter.
I love it.
I feel like this is part of eating disorder recovery too, even if it sounds a little twisted.
When I was in treatment, we talked about getting rid of our 'sick clothes' and I feel like I can finally do that.
I am not my eating disorder, I am not my feeding tube, etc.
So therefore I don't want to look like I did at that time.
It's kind of like a moving on with life strategy for me.
And for awhile I've been feeling like I just don't care how I look.
Like I just want to hide, put my hair back, and move on with feeling miserable.
I want to actually take pride in looking the best I can, feeling the best I can, and having my attitude reflect it.
I'm actually drinking apple juice right now, and debating if I want to eat something too.
I decided that I'm done with that stupid diet.
I mean, why should I listen to what that lady says when she won't even talk to me?
So I decided I'm no longer her patient, and I'm going to listen to my other doctors who do care about me.
I have wonderful doctors, like Dr. K, and specialists, like Dr. R, and a good psychiatrist, Dr. B.
Why should I have to worry about them when they obviously don't want to help me?
Honestly, I was better off on my IBS medicine and eating whatever I wanted, rather than off my IBS medicine and eating all this low fat stuff.
So my doctor let me temporarily be back on my IBS medicine, and I'm just eating.
I'm getting incredibly bloated, but it doesn't really matter, because I'm by no means nauseous, or feeling like I can't eat.
I feel like I can eat, in moderation of course, but I can eat.
Who needs them anyway?
I know my body better than anyone, so I need to give it what it needs to survive.

Just A Little Bit

This music video is obviously about an Eating Disorder, but that's not the only reason why I chose it. It is an extremely powerful song, and it talks about needing just a little bit more to get there, and also about feeling betrayed, discouraged, whatever you want to call it. This is 'Just A Little Bit' by Maria Mena.

So Listen Close

To say I am angry with two of my doctors is an understatement.
To say I am furious with two of my doctors is getting closer.
When I was discharged from the emergency room, I was told to call GI to ask about switching gastroparesis medication.
It even says it on my discharge papers, so I have proof.
I am transitioning from Dr. S, pediatric GI, to Dr. B, adult GI, so I straight out asked the doctor in the emergency room which one I should call.
We agreed that I should call Dr. S because even though I'm transitioning away from him, he still knows about me more than Dr. B, who I saw once.
So I called Dr. S and left a message about what the emergency room doctors said.
The nurse took the message and sent Dr. S the message via e-mail.
I got a call from the clinic, and was like, okay, it's Dr. S calling to help me.
But of course not, it was the nurse again.
Dr. S refuses to speak with me about my medication because I am no longer his patient.
Wait, now if I'm no longer his patient, then why am I seeing him in January? and why am I supposed to talk to him, according to the emergency room doctors, who, yes, are also doctors.
Isn't he technically still my doctor? or did he just decide to drop me?
I told the nurse that the doctor said to call and talk to Dr. S because he knows me, but that got me nowhere.
She said she was going to transfer me to the hospital operator, and that I should ask for adult GI and talk to Dr. B.
So I was slightly annoyed, but decided I would just leave a message for Dr. B.
Well her nurse is honestly the meanest nurse I have ever met in my life.
She was telling me how Dr. B wouldn't even talk to me unless I faxed over my medical records from the emergency room.
Wait now, I've been going to this hospital's clinics for years, and they never, ever needed my records.
They should trust me, shouldn't they?
I mean the doctors in the emergency room didn't send them copies, because it's actually not their concern, it's my medical doctor, Dr. K, it's his concern.
I don't want some lady I met once in my life, and don't particularly care for at that point, going through my information, analyzing me, not believing me, etc.
I told them no, and they said, well I could go get copies of them and bring them up at my next appointment.
Wait again, my next appointment is in April, and this is November, and I'm really sick.
They. Don't. Understand. At. All.
I was so angry, I just wrote down the fax number, and threw it away five minutes later.
Who are they to boss me around when all I want is to ask a question!?
I just need to know if I can up the dose of my gastroparesis medication because for goodness sakes I'm terribly uncomfortable!
But no, I need records faxed, before I can ask if I can change medication?
Shouldn't they believe me that I'm not having success with my medication?
I mean why the heck else would I want to change it?
I've never been medicine seeking or abusing, nothing like that.
So why won't they let me talk to a freaking doctor?
Don't they trust me? Apparently not.
I mean, I'm just, you know, terribly uncomfortable, and barely able to eat, no big deal, right.
Well apparently it's no big deal to them.
Yet it's a big deal to Dr. S when I lose weight, unintentionally, and he can call me anorexic and admit me to the hospital for a feeding tube.
When I saw that on the bill from insurance, I was furious that he would call me anorexic when I wasn't even trying to lose weight.
My stomach could not handle food, just like it can't now.
Another thing is Dr. B took me off of my IBS medicine 'because it was working well'.
Well, that's the stupidest excuse I have ever heard in my life.
I got permission earlier from my other specialist Dr. R, to go back on my IBS medicine temporarily, meaning until I can talk to GI.
Well, I can't even talk to GI, because they won't talk to me!
I never heard of something so stupid in my life.
I freaking need their help and they won't talk to me?
What the heck did I ever do to them?
I'm basically living off of medicine for acid, nausea, pain, spasms, and my stomach.
And they don't care that I'm miserable and taking all this medication?
I mean what the heck is all of this doing to my digestive system? what is it doing to my body?
My regular doctor, Dr. K, is off today, so I'm to call him tomorrow.
He is honestly an amazing doctor, a truly amazing doctor, but he doesn't feel comfortable playing around with my stomach medication usually, which is why I was sent to a GI specialist.
Who do I turn to?
Two doctors won't help me.
One doctor is in meetings for the rest of the week.
And my last resort, Dr. K, most likely won't be able to do anything, because, gosh I don't even know if he's legally allowed to.
This is freaking ridiculous.
I am switching GI doctors as soon as I get in contact with Dr. K or Dr. R again, and seeing if I can get one somewhere closer to home, or at another hospital.
One side note, when I was first referred somewhere for my anorexia, I went to this same hospital.
I literally had to pull myself out of the program because they were making me worse, defiantly not better.

I'm done, I'm so done with them, screw it, they're gone.
There go two stomach doctors, and one me with a messed up digestive system.
What the freaking heck do I do at this point?
God only knows.