There's An Ordinary World, Somehow I, Have To Find

I want to tell you all about a project I'm going to try to do, starting, now.
I recently found some of my old books on things like anorexia, bulimia, depression, borderline personality disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
I started to read them again, and I was going to take notes on them and hopefully prepare myself for starting psychology classes.
I don't know, I guess I thought that by reading them it would put those things behind me, help me to better understand myself, others, maybe even disconnect myself a little, whatever.
I was reading the books, and the anorexia, bulimia, and eating disorder ones got me really interested.
Obviously, I am recovering, or whatever you would call this stage, from anorexia and bulimia.
Then I was reading the introduction to 'Life Without Ed' and then I really, really got interested.
It made me start thinking, what good is reading these books when I know my story?
I mean I read all of those books a long time ago, when I was deeper into my eating disorder, and they honestly just triggered me.
Reading those books brought back all of those things, like, oh I remember that hungry feeling, I remember when I didn't eat, and it made me curious.
I had to snap myself out of it, so while I found my old journals from treatment, I decided to eat some animal crackers and drink some diet coke.
I know, that kind of sounds like a pathetic snack, but I was really, really proud of myself.
I not only pushed those thoughts behind me for awhile, I ate, when every inch of my body was screaming 'don't you dare do it, don't you dare'.
I told the voice to shut up, because I was starving, and I had to take my antibiotics with something (I have a sinus infection).
I could have easily went to bed and by morning forgot about the hunger, or skipped my antibiotic, because no one was around or anything.
But instead, I overcame, and I'm extremely proud of myself for that.
So what I'm getting at is, I decided that I'm going to make a documentary on eating disorders.
I don't know exactly how yet, I mean I need some more ideas, but I have some floating in my head.
I really want to be an advocate, like, hey, I am overcoming this, and I have made many strides, so why can't other people who are suffering?
I'm also pushing through terrible nausea right now which is a side effect from my antibiotics.
I saw a new doctor yesterday, and he said to just push through the nausea, using my nausea medicine when I need to, and things should get better when my sinus infection clears.
That guy, I only saw him once, but he really made an impression on me.
He asked me why I had gastroparesis, and I said I used to have an eating disorder, and he didn't even linger on it.
It was almost like he was just like, okay, you had an eating disorder, and now you're moving on.
He said I had idiopathic gastroparesis, which basically means it's there for no reason.
It also made me extremely happy because I can get rid of those doctors now, the ones who gave me the feeding tube and said it was all my anorexia, and are leaving my parents with the rest.
I am so proud and relieved to have them gone, put behind me, whatever.
Well, I know you may be thinking that making a documentary on eating disorders isn't exactly putting the anorexia and bulimia behind me.
Yet at the same time, it is, it really is, because sure I'm revisiting my past, but I'm also jumping into the here and now, along with my future.
I'm thinking about how the eating disorder impacted me, while telling how the eating disorder is affecting me now, and getting it out to move on to a better future.
I'm going to sit down and really think about how I want to do this.
I'm at my grandma and grandpa's house, and I want to wrap my Christmas presents with my grandpa, and my grandma wants to work on my Christmas scrapbooks, so I guess I have to make time to do that, and while I do that, I can talk to them and see if they have any ideas for me.
I also have therapy late this afternoon, and I hope to get some ideas from her too.
So basically, I'm going to try to continue writing on here throughout my project, to keep you updated and just to rant about how I'm doing and everything.
Oh, and my project is called 'Ordinary World' based on the song from Duran Duran.