To start out tonight's post, I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog.
It really makes my day to see that people read what I'm saying, and just the whole aspect of the support, it is really appreciated.
I haven't written on here in a long, long time, so I apologize for that.
I was kind of sinking into the area of depression and no motivation.
At this point I came to realize that I am motivated, deep down inside I really am motivated to do things.
So if I am motivated, I should push myself, just that extra inch to try my best at life.
The problem is, it's not just depression that was striking me, it's also terrible fatigue and a brain fog that won't go away.
I've been reading a little bit about the whole Chronic Fatigue Syndrome thing, and it kind of gives me that little push that 'I can do this' with or without my fatigue.
Some people, no lie, with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are bed ridden, or can't talk, can't take care of themselves, or even do simple things.
It makes me realize how blessed I am to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that allows me to function.
Some mornings the fatigue is so strong that I honestly struggle to get out of bed.
I feel like I rely on caffeine to get through my day, like I had three caffinated Diet Cokes today, which is like a record for me (caffeine makes my insomnia so much worse so I try to avoid it).
I mean, sure, sometimes the fatigue is really, really bad, yet I can still manage to put one foot in front of the other,
Yes, I do need to rest more than most people, but it's just how my body is right now.
That being said, we have a Christmas Program at our church for the kids, and my mom is in charge of it like always.
This is the first year I'm not qualified to read or anything, so I told her that I would help her out with the program.
I wasn't planning on going, because it means I have to wake up early, function through the day, etc.
I decided to ask my boyfriend to come with me, to give me some motivation.
It looks like tomorrow morning I'm going to go to church, with my mom, and my boyfriend, for Christmas Program rehearsal and church.
I basically have the rest of the day planned with my boyfriend, which feels good too.
It felt good to hang out with him today again too.
We watched Titanic, took a dinner break and went to Chili's with his dad and step mom, and then finished the movie.
I don't want to sound like weird but it almost made me cry at the end.
I won't ruin the ending, but it's extremely sad, yet romantic, kind of like you just want to lay there and take it all in, which is what I did.
Plus it's my boyfriend's favorite movie, so I had to see the whole thing eventually.
I was freezing my butt off ever since I got to his house, so I've been wearing another one of his sweatshirts, which is a nice feeling in some way I can't even explain.
The only problem right now is I'm having a lot of pressure in my lower lower abdomen and a little bit into my back, so I'm thinking I might have an infection of some sort.
I do have three appointments this week.
Tuesday morning I go to see my one specialist for a yearly check.
Wednesday I meet my new gastroenterologist and Thursday I have therapy.
I know I'm going to have a busy week, because Monday my boyfriend has off work and Friday I'm going with my grandma and grandpa to get Christmas trees.
Plus I have to (sometime) renew my drivers permit and see what's up with college.
I did turn in my college application, now they need my transcript and test scores.
Things get stressful, but it does give me things to focus my mind on besides depression and fatigue all the time.
Right now, I'm in pain, but I'm going to keep pushing through, and trying to smile, faking it until I make it (as some doctor told me a long time ago).
It sounds really bad, like a horrible idea, but really, if you get in the habit of doing something, it becomes second nature to you if you push through the hard stuff.
At least that's how I think of it.
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