Right now, I'm just sitting in bed, listening to 'Without You' by David Guetta on repeat, drinking 'Christmas Eve' flavored hot tea, which is getting cold, and writing to you.
This is kind of like the calm after the storm for me right now.
I kind of ended up breaking down on my boyfriend's couch about four hours ago.
We had a pretty good day, except I was having terrible mood swings for the majority of the day.
Like I said yesterday, my mom is in charge of the Christmas Program at our church, so we went to help her with that, which was basically me standing up front reading absent people's parts.
Then we stayed for church, which is something I haven't done in forever, the whole Sunday School and church in a row, back to back thing.
To be honest, it makes me really exhausted and tires me out, like I just can't keep my attention straight that long or my head in the service for the whole thing.
After that we went out to lunch to Panera with my mom and dad, and we had a pretty good time I would say.
We ended up laughing hysterically at the end over little things, which always feels good.
We went back to my house then so I could take my medicine and just hung out for awhile.
Then we went to his house because he wanted to help his dad decorate the Christmas tree, which was fine with me.
Until we got there, I got super depressed.
We did decorate the tree, and I ended up texting him telling him I was about to break down.
And I mean, I really had no reason to, because we were just decorating a Christmas tree and then sitting and watching football with his dad.
I just totally lost it then, crying hysterically in his arms, telling him 'I can't do this, I can't do this'.
He reassured me that I can do it, I made it this far, and I shouldn't give up, and that he's right there with me.
I ended up calling my mom to come and get me, and drop him off at a meeting and party he was going to for work.
It was just so weird, because I haven't officially broke down in front of him before.
I mean of course my mom has seen me through it all, but it kind of embarrasses me to break down in front of my family anymore, and I don't know why.
I guess I try to put on a strong face in front of them, and they see me act normal every day, so when I randomly break down, it's like 'what'?
I feel like these mood swings are honestly doing damage to my mind.
When I came home, I took a hot bath, ate a brownie I had left over from Panera, and fell asleep.
I was asleep for over two hours, and when I woke up, I honestly felt like I could not move.
It was like, okay Jenna, get out of bed now, and I was mentally awake, but my body would not wake up for anything in the world.
I had to talk to myself like, Jenna you have to get up, you can't lay in bed forever, yet my body would not send me any energy at all.
I finally pulled myself out of bed and went downstairs to eat a bowl of cereal because I didn't feel like I could stomach anything else.
Then I was helping my mom with her and my dad's Christmas cards, and I was totally fine, I was doing pretty good compared to where I was before.
Now I'm in my bedroom and I just want to cry again.
Except this time my boyfriend isn't here to hold me, and my mom isn't sitting beside my bed holding my hand, and no one is talking to me, and the tears are falling, and I just want to hide under the blankets.
I feel like I'm such a child, like I need my mom holding my hand when I cry.
But the tears are just pouring down my face, and I'm thinking again 'I can't do this, I can't do this'.
I don't feel capable of going to college, yet if I don't go I feel like I'm letting everyone down, myself included.
And I know my therapist and doctors would push me to go to college, for my own good and all, but I can't, I really can't, I do not feel physically or mentally capable at this point.
It's kind of like, back to square one, what do I do with myself?
I knew I wanted to major in psychology, I knew I wanted to help other people, yet if I can't even get myself together, how can I help someone else?
And I mean, I always wanted to do modeling or something, but my skin is ruined from the medicine I'm taking to raise my blood pressure and stuff.
Which on its own makes me feel extremely hideous and self-conscious.
If I could recommend one thing for myself, from a psychological point of view, from the advice of all the classes I took on psychology, I would say that I need to talk to my psychiatrist or my one specialist that I can think of who treats my fatigue.
Yet I'm so so so scared to, because I feel like I'm slipping, and it's not a good feeling.
My psychiatrist tells me that they haven't changed my medication dose in a year for depression and anxiety, and I feel like all that hard work would go down the drain.
Almost like going back to square one, like, oh they changed my medicine, there must be something wrong with me, like I'm failing at life.
I can tell that I'm not even thinking clearly.
I'm also overwhelmed with three appointments this week, Christmas coming up, and just dealing with my every day stuff.
This sounds absolutely horrible, but I wish they would just erase Christmas this year, say that Jesus was born, be happy for a few minutes, and then move on with our lives.
I'm not trying to downplay the whole Jesus thing, I'm just trying to downplay the business, the gifts, the shopping, the food, the decorations, etc.
I don't even know how to begin to explain that, but that's just how I feel about the whole topic right now.
I am defiantly not in the Christmas spirit, especially with some people telling me that I spend too much money on myself and other people, and that I need to stop spending.
I guess it's just, to see the smile on that person's face when I give them something, that good feeling you get deep inside, it just makes me feel good, for even just a second, it's worth it.
If I had my own money I would spend it, but I'm still technically living under my parent's roof.
Money is such a ridiculous subject for me, like it's become too important in our world, and there are other things that should be given a lot more attention then that.
For example, when I had my feeding tube, they expect money for it from my parents, and I mean sure, I had the feeding tube, but I was sick, I was honest to God sick, and now that's one more thing weighing my mom down.
That's not a main topic, just an example, and medical bills, whenever I go to the doctor's they're like 'remember to pay your monthly payment' it's never 'oh how are you doing Jenna' with those receptionists.
And I know it's their 'job' but it gets on my nerves sometimes.
At this point, I'm honestly just rambling about nothing and I really need to go to bed or lay down or something.
I guess I'm still writing on here because I know if I lay down I'll start to think and my mind will wander and I will start to cry over something.
But I'm going to shut up and take my medication and pray that I can hold it together tomorrow without breaking down again.
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