Walking In A Straight Line

Wow, I haven't written here in forever!
I guess I have a lot of catching up to do!
Well right now, I'm on this website designing my own Christmas presents.
How cool is that, right?
After making all of my Hello Kitty cards for my family and friends, my Simon Le Bon fan club tshirt, and David Guetta tshirt, I stumbled upon something else.
There are these two pins, one for Bulimia and one for Anorexia.
They say 'Recover(ed)' and have the ribbon thing on them.
I thought they were pretty awesome, so I put them in my cart (which my mom will go through later).
Then I thought, is it right having two pins about Eating Disorders?
I mean obviously I struggl(ed) with Anorexia and Bulimia, but is it something you want to advertise or whatever?
I mean, I don't want to let my Eating Disorders be my identity, yet they are still a part of me, for better or for worse.
The other question is, am I at a good enough stage to have pins that say recover(ed)?
In my opinion, if I have the will power to put them in the cart and even consider buying them, doesn't that mean I'm at a good point in my recovery?
Either way, I'm buying each of them.
I haven't really gone into much detail as far as my Eating Disorder(s) go, and I promise I won't be triggering or anything, but I guess since I'm on the topic, I can write about it a little.
Well, I have problems with my stomach, like I cannot throw up, no matter how nauseous I am.
I've come to accept that it's just the way my body is.
I mean, it's not just with purging (which I haven't done in almost a year), it's with regular nausea too.
It sounds gross but I can be coughing and gagging, and will never throw up.
Last night, for the first time in, well a year I guess, I threw up.
I didn't purge by any means, which is the other weird part.
Through the process of not being able to throw up, I guess it kind of helped me with my Bulimia too.
If I can't throw up, what's the point in purging?
That was my view in the beginning, but now it has changed.
Now it's more like, I don't want to purge, and even if I wanted to I couldn't, so let's forget about purging.
As far as my Anorexia goes, I don't really know how to explain that aspect of it.
I'm not restricting, I'm not choosing the low fat or low calorie foods.
I do drink a lot of Diet Coke, which is kind of like something I've been doing for the past five years anyway.
I choose diet beverages, but that's about it, I eat basically whatever I want.
I do struggle with digestive problems, so it comes down to me feeling sick more than wanting to restrict.
I get a lot of nausea, bloating, and pain, so that's basically what ends up controlling my appetite at this point.
I eat what I want, what I can, when I can, but food is still sometimes a struggle, in a different way than before tho.
I don't want to lose weight, I don't want to be stick thin, I don't push away food or refuse to eat it, I don't avoid eating at meal times or when I'm hungry, and I don't constantly weigh myself.
I would say that part of me still has that little Eating Disorder voice in the back of my head, but I can manage it.
I also expect that little voice to stay here, but it's whatever at this point.
Something else I just thought of was this.
Someone who goes to my church, I totally forget who, their grandson overdosed on medication, which is something that kind of hits home for me.
I mean, if it wasn't in a better place mentally that could have been me doing that.
Me taking those pills, me being in intensive care, me having my parents and grandparents crying about me, and in the end, me being in that coffin in the front of the church this Wednesday.
Yes, sad to say, he did die.
Which makes me feel horrible, because I hate to hear anything like that.
It makes me so glad that I got the help that I did when I did, and that I was given everything I was given to survive.
I don't get suicidal anymore, really I don't, but sometimes things like that make me think.
I get really scared when I have to take a third anxiety pill on any given day, or even two at a time, I hold the pill in my hand, put it in my mouth, and am still reluctant to swallow.
I do take the pill, which I am allowed to and supposed to do, but it's just that fear.
Like what is this medicine going to do to me?
I get that way too when they raise a dose of my medication, or switch medications on me.
It gets kind of freaky sometimes until I really get used to it.
Well, this was deep compared to my usual daily ramblings.
Right now, I'm going to take my sleeping pills, do something or other until I get sleepy, and go to bed.