Today, I had basically a total physical and personal make-over.
I woke up, and I felt so uncomfortable in my skin.
I tried on like a million outfits, and did my hair a million ways.
I ended up washing my hair at the sink and putting a ton of surf cream and hair gel in my hair.
I grabbed a pair of boots, a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch, and my skinny jeans, and called my grandma.
My grandpa was waiting for me, but it's kind of a girl thing, and I needed to talk to someone who understood.
I told her how I was feeling terrible, inside and out, and wondered if we could go to the mall.
Shopping is like therapy for me, no lie.
My boyfriend was going to come with us too (we were all planning on going to the mall or the craft store and out to lunch anyway).
She understood and said that it was fine.
I was still feeling somewhat uncomfortable in my skin.
I get this way sometimes, like, I can't stand my clothes, I feel hideous, nothing fits right, etc.
And I know the solution isn't to go spend a fortune at the mall, but I kind of have the exceause that my clothes don't fit right because of my weight going all over the place.
Plus I love clothes, and the styles change.
I have some clothes from five years ago because at times I get to that size again.
We went out for lunch, and I actually ate a normal sized lunch and had a coke zero.
It felt so good to be able to eat, without any stomach medicine besides a nausea pill.
I couldn't eat dessert because I didn't want to press my luck, but we went for a snack later anyway.
My grandma got me a dress, two sweaters, a skirt, a scarf, and a necklace, and for that I am extremely thankful.
Then she and my grandpa came over and my grandma helped me to get rid of those clothes from five years ago, the clothes that are too small, the clothes that are too big, and it felt so good.
I have a box full of clothes that I just want out of my closet, for obvious reasons.
When my mom came home, she took me to get my hair done too, which I am also grateful for.
My hair looks so cute, too.
It's dark brown with brown/red foil highlights and it's layered more and a little shorter.
I love it.
I feel like this is part of eating disorder recovery too, even if it sounds a little twisted.
When I was in treatment, we talked about getting rid of our 'sick clothes' and I feel like I can finally do that.
I am not my eating disorder, I am not my feeding tube, etc.
So therefore I don't want to look like I did at that time.
It's kind of like a moving on with life strategy for me.
And for awhile I've been feeling like I just don't care how I look.
Like I just want to hide, put my hair back, and move on with feeling miserable.
I want to actually take pride in looking the best I can, feeling the best I can, and having my attitude reflect it.
I'm actually drinking apple juice right now, and debating if I want to eat something too.
I decided that I'm done with that stupid diet.
I mean, why should I listen to what that lady says when she won't even talk to me?
So I decided I'm no longer her patient, and I'm going to listen to my other doctors who do care about me.
I have wonderful doctors, like Dr. K, and specialists, like Dr. R, and a good psychiatrist, Dr. B.
Why should I have to worry about them when they obviously don't want to help me?
Honestly, I was better off on my IBS medicine and eating whatever I wanted, rather than off my IBS medicine and eating all this low fat stuff.
So my doctor let me temporarily be back on my IBS medicine, and I'm just eating.
I'm getting incredibly bloated, but it doesn't really matter, because I'm by no means nauseous, or feeling like I can't eat.
I feel like I can eat, in moderation of course, but I can eat.
Who needs them anyway?
I know my body better than anyone, so I need to give it what it needs to survive.
No comments:
Post a Comment