At this point, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't even know what to say. I just know what I have to go to bed. So I chose this song, because well I just so happen to love this song, along with Simon Le Bon. This is 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran/
Monday, October 31, 2011
Finally I'm Forced To Face The Truth
I am so exhausted right now, like no words can explain it.
I'm simultaneously downloading music and writing on here when all I want to do is sleep.
I didn't get to post last night because I was at my grandparents house, so if I don't post tonight I will fall into the habit of not posting again,
I didn't get to have my Halloween party on Saturday because of being sick and in the emergency room and all.
So my grandparents let me have it at their house.
For that I am thankful, because I can't imagine a holiday, or Halloween for that matter, going by without me doing anything.
I love to celebrate things, like I try to have birthday parties for family members and myself, and we try to do things, at least something on holidays.
But needless to say, after all of that I am beyond exhausted.
Don't get me wrong, I had fun and I wouldn't change the time being with my family for anything, but I just don't feel so hot right now.
I'm getting the chills too, like I'm really cold and uncomfortable.
My stomach did a little better today, and by a little I mean just a little, and I don't want to jinx it.
I woke up, later than ever I think, and had to wait a half hour to eat anything because of my antacids and stomach medicine.
I was like starving, so I ate a bowl of Rice Krispies (which is basically one of my favorite foods now, or rather food that my stomach can handle), and I was still a little hungry.
I didn't want to push it, so I decided to eat some fruit.
But by the time I got to the bottom of the fruit cup, I was about to start gagging.
My lunch consisted of a decaf pumpkin spice late with skim milk, which made me incredibly bloated.
I wanted to be able to eat dinner, since we were having food for Halloween and my Grandpa's birthday.
I was like, oh my gosh, what do I eat, what can my stomach handle? because all of the food looked so good.
So I decided I would eat what I could, and that's what I did.
I didn't eat a lot by any means.
But I ate the equivalent of a small meal, which I was actually feeling good about for once.
I didn't need nausea medicine, just my regular medicine and an anxiety pill.
My grandma and grandpa made gingerbread for dessert, with whipped cream, because I love gingerbread and my mom used to make it for me every Halloween night.
It tasted so good, because it was like real food to me, but sad to say I couldn't even eat a whole piece.
I had to scrape the whipped cream off, and even the sprinkles I put on it.
I'm drinking some orange juice right now and I'm going to take my medicine in a few minutes.
I don't think I can stress enough how exhausted I am.
I don't know why I'm basically telling myself to stay awake.
I feel like I'm in this zone, where I'm freezing cold, and half awake and half asleep.
I'm probably getting delirious at this point, loose definition of the word, but still.
I just need sleep so bad.
But it gets me angry because I have been sleeping, a lot.
It feels so defeating.
Like what do I do at this point?
I feel like I need some guidance, or a schedule, or something.
Like I said, or maybe I didn't, I e-mailed my one doctor today.
I don't think he wrote back, but I will check as soon as I'm done writing this.
I'm going to call my GI doctor and my regular doctor tomorrow, and ask what the heck I should do.
I'm terribly confused.
On one hand I think that I need some extra help, of some sort, but I obviously don't want to go into the hospital or treatment or anything, because I mean what could they do for me anyway?
As my one doctor put it, I'm not dying, so there's no need to hospitalize me.
I'm just terribly, terribly, incredibly uncomfortable.
What is there to do?
Try new medication? Wait it all out? Deal with it?
Easier said than done.
I don't even know what to say or think at this point.
Time for bed.
I'm simultaneously downloading music and writing on here when all I want to do is sleep.
I didn't get to post last night because I was at my grandparents house, so if I don't post tonight I will fall into the habit of not posting again,
I didn't get to have my Halloween party on Saturday because of being sick and in the emergency room and all.
So my grandparents let me have it at their house.
For that I am thankful, because I can't imagine a holiday, or Halloween for that matter, going by without me doing anything.
I love to celebrate things, like I try to have birthday parties for family members and myself, and we try to do things, at least something on holidays.
But needless to say, after all of that I am beyond exhausted.
Don't get me wrong, I had fun and I wouldn't change the time being with my family for anything, but I just don't feel so hot right now.
I'm getting the chills too, like I'm really cold and uncomfortable.
My stomach did a little better today, and by a little I mean just a little, and I don't want to jinx it.
I woke up, later than ever I think, and had to wait a half hour to eat anything because of my antacids and stomach medicine.
I was like starving, so I ate a bowl of Rice Krispies (which is basically one of my favorite foods now, or rather food that my stomach can handle), and I was still a little hungry.
I didn't want to push it, so I decided to eat some fruit.
But by the time I got to the bottom of the fruit cup, I was about to start gagging.
My lunch consisted of a decaf pumpkin spice late with skim milk, which made me incredibly bloated.
I wanted to be able to eat dinner, since we were having food for Halloween and my Grandpa's birthday.
I was like, oh my gosh, what do I eat, what can my stomach handle? because all of the food looked so good.
So I decided I would eat what I could, and that's what I did.
I didn't eat a lot by any means.
But I ate the equivalent of a small meal, which I was actually feeling good about for once.
I didn't need nausea medicine, just my regular medicine and an anxiety pill.
My grandma and grandpa made gingerbread for dessert, with whipped cream, because I love gingerbread and my mom used to make it for me every Halloween night.
It tasted so good, because it was like real food to me, but sad to say I couldn't even eat a whole piece.
I had to scrape the whipped cream off, and even the sprinkles I put on it.
I'm drinking some orange juice right now and I'm going to take my medicine in a few minutes.
I don't think I can stress enough how exhausted I am.
I don't know why I'm basically telling myself to stay awake.
I feel like I'm in this zone, where I'm freezing cold, and half awake and half asleep.
I'm probably getting delirious at this point, loose definition of the word, but still.
I just need sleep so bad.
But it gets me angry because I have been sleeping, a lot.
It feels so defeating.
Like what do I do at this point?
I feel like I need some guidance, or a schedule, or something.
Like I said, or maybe I didn't, I e-mailed my one doctor today.
I don't think he wrote back, but I will check as soon as I'm done writing this.
I'm going to call my GI doctor and my regular doctor tomorrow, and ask what the heck I should do.
I'm terribly confused.
On one hand I think that I need some extra help, of some sort, but I obviously don't want to go into the hospital or treatment or anything, because I mean what could they do for me anyway?
As my one doctor put it, I'm not dying, so there's no need to hospitalize me.
I'm just terribly, terribly, incredibly uncomfortable.
What is there to do?
Try new medication? Wait it all out? Deal with it?
Easier said than done.
I don't even know what to say or think at this point.
Time for bed.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
She Will Be Loved
This is an old song, but still a very good one at that. Sometimes I listen to this song, and it's almost like they're singing to me or something. I feel extremely messed up with my body right now. Almost like my body is rebelling on me. It feels good to know still that my family and friends and boyfriend still love me through it all. This is 'She Will Be Loved' by Maroon 5.
You'll Be That Girl
Well, obviously I didn't get to write last night, because I was in the emergency room.
That's a story in and of itself, but one I'm willing to share.
Yesterday, I started to feel super sick, as if all of my symptoms were magnified.
I slept practically all day because of pure exhaustion.
I put a call in to my doctor, but he was off, so I left a message with this other guy.
He's sort of like my back up doctor, because he's seen me before and is a good doctor.
He was working late and didn't call me so I decided to call my one specialist.
I mean, I called and even saw primary care and gastroenterology, so he was basically the one to talk to if I had to choose.
He's a very, very smart doctor, and he's good with my fatigue and stuff, so it didn't hurt.
I called him, fell asleep, and then he called me.
I was like half asleep and didn't know what I was really saying to him, but we talked.
He said that I was most likely having or recovering from a viral illness, which is where the fatigue and discomfort are coming from.
He asked if I had sinus pressure, because I get a ton of sinus infections, but oddly this time I didn't have any.
Our plan was for me to push through the weekend, with moderate activity and rest, and to e-mail him on Monday to let him know what's going on.
Well, later the other doctor called.
I talked to him, and at that point my nausea was almost unbearable.
He was going to give me the medicine I already had, so he didn't really know what else to do.
At that point he thought I was dehydrated.
He said I should probably go to the emergency room and get IV fluids, IV nausea medicine, and possibly a CT scan of my abdomen.
So I went to the emergency room, for the second time this month.
The took my information, and didn't know what they were going to do, so they sent a doctor in to see me.
We talked and he said I almost had to be anemic, because I had all of the symptoms.
I was lightheaded, weak, fatigued, and nauseous at that time.
He decided I was dehydrated by looking at me, especially by my cracked lips.
So they did blood tests, a laying/sitting/standing vital sign test, and gave me IV fluids and nausea medicine.
After my IV fluids were done, another doctor came in.
He said that my blood tests looked pretty much normal.
He said I was having an exacerbation of my chronic fatigue, gastroparesis, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux, and said it was fine for me to go home.
I went home, and since then, I've been feeling a little better.
I'm basically living off of carbs, hot tea, coffee, orange juice, and nausea medicine.
I can take my nausea medicine every six hours now instead of eight, and I have both forms, the ones that go under your tongue and the ones you swallow.
I also took some of my pain medication because I was having really bad pain in my head and sinuses.
I don't know if I picked up a sinus infection at the hospital or what, but the pain went away since I took strong pain medicine.
So basically I went to the store with my mom this morning because it's snowing here.
Isn't it crazy, it's October and it's snowing where I live?
I needed to stock up on hot tea and coffee, and also get another Hello Kitty coloring book.
I saw my grandma and grandpa for a few minutes when we got back to my house, and then in a little while I fell asleep.
I woke up and ate a snack, then I was so nauseous and in so much pain (face and head) that I just slept until I could take more pain medicine.
I ate dinner, took my medicine, and then I was wide awake.
So right now I'm writing on here, and then I'm going to work on some picture books.
The sad thing is I was going to have my Halloween party today, but it's been postponed because of the snow and because of me being sick.
I feel bad because it's also my grandpa's birthday party, but we are rescheduling, for probably Monday.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.
I just have to keep pushing through until Monday.
The Monday I have to call three doctors to give them updates, see if I need to be seen, and see if they can up the dose of my stomach medicine or give me something stronger.
I barely have any food in me, so that's kind of hard too.
Like I'm constantly hungry, but I'm also constantly nauseous, so I have to wait till the right moment to eat.
Right now I have my hot tea, my computer, my phone, and my sleeping pills, so I'm going to chill for the rest of the night and then go to bed.
That's a story in and of itself, but one I'm willing to share.
Yesterday, I started to feel super sick, as if all of my symptoms were magnified.
I slept practically all day because of pure exhaustion.
I put a call in to my doctor, but he was off, so I left a message with this other guy.
He's sort of like my back up doctor, because he's seen me before and is a good doctor.
He was working late and didn't call me so I decided to call my one specialist.
I mean, I called and even saw primary care and gastroenterology, so he was basically the one to talk to if I had to choose.
He's a very, very smart doctor, and he's good with my fatigue and stuff, so it didn't hurt.
I called him, fell asleep, and then he called me.
I was like half asleep and didn't know what I was really saying to him, but we talked.
He said that I was most likely having or recovering from a viral illness, which is where the fatigue and discomfort are coming from.
He asked if I had sinus pressure, because I get a ton of sinus infections, but oddly this time I didn't have any.
Our plan was for me to push through the weekend, with moderate activity and rest, and to e-mail him on Monday to let him know what's going on.
Well, later the other doctor called.
I talked to him, and at that point my nausea was almost unbearable.
He was going to give me the medicine I already had, so he didn't really know what else to do.
At that point he thought I was dehydrated.
He said I should probably go to the emergency room and get IV fluids, IV nausea medicine, and possibly a CT scan of my abdomen.
So I went to the emergency room, for the second time this month.
The took my information, and didn't know what they were going to do, so they sent a doctor in to see me.
We talked and he said I almost had to be anemic, because I had all of the symptoms.
I was lightheaded, weak, fatigued, and nauseous at that time.
He decided I was dehydrated by looking at me, especially by my cracked lips.
So they did blood tests, a laying/sitting/standing vital sign test, and gave me IV fluids and nausea medicine.
After my IV fluids were done, another doctor came in.
He said that my blood tests looked pretty much normal.
He said I was having an exacerbation of my chronic fatigue, gastroparesis, irritable bowel syndrome, and acid reflux, and said it was fine for me to go home.
I went home, and since then, I've been feeling a little better.
I'm basically living off of carbs, hot tea, coffee, orange juice, and nausea medicine.
I can take my nausea medicine every six hours now instead of eight, and I have both forms, the ones that go under your tongue and the ones you swallow.
I also took some of my pain medication because I was having really bad pain in my head and sinuses.
I don't know if I picked up a sinus infection at the hospital or what, but the pain went away since I took strong pain medicine.
So basically I went to the store with my mom this morning because it's snowing here.
Isn't it crazy, it's October and it's snowing where I live?
I needed to stock up on hot tea and coffee, and also get another Hello Kitty coloring book.
I saw my grandma and grandpa for a few minutes when we got back to my house, and then in a little while I fell asleep.
I woke up and ate a snack, then I was so nauseous and in so much pain (face and head) that I just slept until I could take more pain medicine.
I ate dinner, took my medicine, and then I was wide awake.
So right now I'm writing on here, and then I'm going to work on some picture books.
The sad thing is I was going to have my Halloween party today, but it's been postponed because of the snow and because of me being sick.
I feel bad because it's also my grandpa's birthday party, but we are rescheduling, for probably Monday.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.
I just have to keep pushing through until Monday.
The Monday I have to call three doctors to give them updates, see if I need to be seen, and see if they can up the dose of my stomach medicine or give me something stronger.
I barely have any food in me, so that's kind of hard too.
Like I'm constantly hungry, but I'm also constantly nauseous, so I have to wait till the right moment to eat.
Right now I have my hot tea, my computer, my phone, and my sleeping pills, so I'm going to chill for the rest of the night and then go to bed.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Sick and Tired
This is such a good song! I listen to it a lot, especially because of the line 'I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired'. I was going to post this video almost every night, and I finally decided that tonight is the night. So anyway, this is 'Candle' by The White Tie Affair.
The City Is On Fire Tonight
I am so cold.
Like, I didn't know it was humanly possible to be this cold.
Especially after drinking hot green tea.
It feels like someone is rubbing ice cubes on my feet.
I keep shivering and I'm wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks.
Plus I'm covered with my fuzzy blanket and comforter from my bed.
But anyway, besides being cold, I haven't felt right the majority of the day.
This morning, it took me forever to wake up.
When I did wake up, I had to take my one acid reflux medicine and my gastroparesis medicine.
So I had to wait a half hour to eat breakfast.
Which I will have to do for the next gosh knows how long, every single day.
My grandpa took me out for breakfast since I was hungry and nothing in our house appealed to me.
Then we went to the grocery store to get my low fat and fat free foods.
It was kind of weird.
Like I have all these rules foods that are 'good' and 'bad' like when I had my eating disorder.
It was always difficult for me to go grocery shopping when I had my eating disorder, for obvious reasons.
It was hard with my nausea too, because sometimes the food would make me hungry and sometimes the food would make me want to throw up.
I used to be on a milk protein free diet, which made me read all the food labels.
That was terrible too, because I knew what I could eat to some extent, but reading the ingredients in everything is almost worse than the calories and food label.
I don't want to sound rude at all, but it's kind of hard grocery shopping with my grandpa or talking to him about these things.
Like my mom and grandma realize this is something I have to do for my stomach.
Yet he tends to question or work his way around everything.
I love my grandpa, and appreciate him buying me the food I need.
But the doctor told me what to do, and he wasn't there.
I feel like compromises are trying to be made here so I will eat, rather than me making the compromises so I won't have to eat.
I don't know.
I don't see myself slipping back into my anorexia because I have been eating and stuff, just substituting the lower fat stuff in.
I don't know if it will make me lose weight, but I really don't care.
Because I'm at this point where, if I stay this weight I won't care, but if I go back to where I was, I'd be okay too.
I guess the eating disorder kind of yells in our ears at times 'you should weigh less' and stuff, and I do still get that sometimes, but the important thing is I don't act on symptoms.
My stomach is somewhat more comfortable right now.
I was just having some stabbing lower abdominal pain from time to time, and some pain in my spleen area again.
I was going to take some of my pain medicine, but I'm taking my sleeping pills soon.
I'm no expert, but I don't see that ending on a good note.
I think that my multivitamins with iron have been helping somewhat because I'm not really lightheaded anymore.
I am however extremely fatigued.
I feel like I have to rely on antidepressants and caffeine to stay awake, which is not what I want.
I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to give him and update, and e-mail my other doctor to let him know what's going on with my fatigue.
I kind of feel a slight relapse in my chronic fatigue syndrome.
I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more, and I hate it.
It's not like depression, like oh I wish I could sleep all day.
It's more like I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do.
I feel almost like a walking zombie, who also happens to be freezing cold.
I just want to curl up under my covers and crash for the night, which I will most likely do after I get all my pills down.
Like, I didn't know it was humanly possible to be this cold.
Especially after drinking hot green tea.
It feels like someone is rubbing ice cubes on my feet.
I keep shivering and I'm wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks.
Plus I'm covered with my fuzzy blanket and comforter from my bed.
But anyway, besides being cold, I haven't felt right the majority of the day.
This morning, it took me forever to wake up.
When I did wake up, I had to take my one acid reflux medicine and my gastroparesis medicine.
So I had to wait a half hour to eat breakfast.
Which I will have to do for the next gosh knows how long, every single day.
My grandpa took me out for breakfast since I was hungry and nothing in our house appealed to me.
Then we went to the grocery store to get my low fat and fat free foods.
It was kind of weird.
Like I have all these rules foods that are 'good' and 'bad' like when I had my eating disorder.
It was always difficult for me to go grocery shopping when I had my eating disorder, for obvious reasons.
It was hard with my nausea too, because sometimes the food would make me hungry and sometimes the food would make me want to throw up.
I used to be on a milk protein free diet, which made me read all the food labels.
That was terrible too, because I knew what I could eat to some extent, but reading the ingredients in everything is almost worse than the calories and food label.
I don't want to sound rude at all, but it's kind of hard grocery shopping with my grandpa or talking to him about these things.
Like my mom and grandma realize this is something I have to do for my stomach.
Yet he tends to question or work his way around everything.
I love my grandpa, and appreciate him buying me the food I need.
But the doctor told me what to do, and he wasn't there.
I feel like compromises are trying to be made here so I will eat, rather than me making the compromises so I won't have to eat.
I don't know.
I don't see myself slipping back into my anorexia because I have been eating and stuff, just substituting the lower fat stuff in.
I don't know if it will make me lose weight, but I really don't care.
Because I'm at this point where, if I stay this weight I won't care, but if I go back to where I was, I'd be okay too.
I guess the eating disorder kind of yells in our ears at times 'you should weigh less' and stuff, and I do still get that sometimes, but the important thing is I don't act on symptoms.
My stomach is somewhat more comfortable right now.
I was just having some stabbing lower abdominal pain from time to time, and some pain in my spleen area again.
I was going to take some of my pain medicine, but I'm taking my sleeping pills soon.
I'm no expert, but I don't see that ending on a good note.
I think that my multivitamins with iron have been helping somewhat because I'm not really lightheaded anymore.
I am however extremely fatigued.
I feel like I have to rely on antidepressants and caffeine to stay awake, which is not what I want.
I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to give him and update, and e-mail my other doctor to let him know what's going on with my fatigue.
I kind of feel a slight relapse in my chronic fatigue syndrome.
I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep some more, and I hate it.
It's not like depression, like oh I wish I could sleep all day.
It's more like I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do.
I feel almost like a walking zombie, who also happens to be freezing cold.
I just want to curl up under my covers and crash for the night, which I will most likely do after I get all my pills down.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Club Can't Handle Me
I love this song. I love David Guetta and his music, of course, and this song is one of my favorites. It kind of puts you in a good mood, and want to party or something. This is 'Club Can't Handle Me' by David Guetta and Flo Rida.
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