Why Yes, Yes I Can

So after a pretty hectic day today I really want to spend tomorrow catching up with family and friends before college. I'm going to try to go to my college's book store with my grandpa and my boyfriend sometime in the morning. Then I'm thinking we can order a pizza or something for lunch at my grandparents house and my dad can come over too. He's getting kind of depressed so I'm going to try to get him to hang out with us for lunch so he not alone. I really want to text some of my friends then too. Some of my old friends have been reaching out to me, like Sarah and Emily and Lindsey and Dana and Kayla. I guess that means that they do care about me still. I mean I just felt like I didn't fit in anymore. Yet I'm regaining my strength and self esteem and I feel like I can reach out in a way that I couldn't really before. I'm at least going to put in some effort because it can't hurt honestly. I've been kind of grumpy lately. College stuff is overwhelming me with how they dropped my one class and I had to change times and it changes my whole outlook on my days. Also how I had to go to the doctors tonight for a spur of the moment physical. I had to have the tuberculosis test and my arm is red but so far no swelling. It's just a little dot. I'm pretty sure that means I'm okay. I have to go back Friday for them to read my test an figure out if I need any shots for college or just in general. Thursday the Red Hello Kitty comes out at Build a Bear so I'm trying to go with my grandma and grandpa and/or my dad. This Saturday I'm going to try to go shopping and to lunch with my mom for some girl time. I'm trying to keep all of this in mind and keep myself positive. Like this is what I want to do now. And I'm going to do it. I should have an opinion besides pleasing others or looking out for them all the time. Not that I don't care but part of recovery is caring for yourself too. I mailed all thirty of my January inspirational letters to my family and friends. I'm excited about that because I really think that they will love them not to sound self praising or anything, just confident. I just really have this inspiration now to be a normal eighteen almost nineteen year old girl. I don't want to be depressed or anxious obviously, but I also don't want to restrict or binge or purge or compulsively exercise or cut myself or anything like that. I really don't want to use my eating disorder. Like tonight they were like ok so your BMI is. And I stopped them because I was caught of guard and said it would trigger me. Who are they to tell me if I'm underweight or healthy or overweight? I mean by whose standard do I have to live up to? The government's or my own? I'm sticking to my own. That immediately made me think of the song that says 'Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do. I won't try. I try.' I have that song on repeat right now. So I'm going to try to sleep even though I'm wide awake. Maybe watch some music videos or something. I'm going to take my sleeping pills and pray that tomorrow is a good day. I feel like somehow this is a huge step in the right direction for me. It feels so good for once.