The Wrong Idea

A lot of people seem to have the wrong idea about me. My name is Jenna, and I am recovering from both Anorexia and Bulimia. I get the feeling now a days that a lot of people don't exactly like me. Something just seems odd to me about my relationship with the general population. I feel like I don't fit in in most social situations much anymore because I've had a different life than most people my age. I mean, most eighteen year olds haven't been to rehab three times, had a feeding tube, an intense fear of gaining weight, along with physical health problems on top of that. Most of them went to high school, public high school at that, graduated, and are now in college, have a job, have a big group of friends, and are comfortable with themselves for the most part. I, on the other hand, went to a private cyber school for high school, and although I did graduate, I am a semester behind in college. I have never had a job. I don't have a big group of friends, and quite frankly, I feel uncomfortable the great majority of the time. I went out to lunch today with my friends Dana and Lindsey, who I haven't seen in forever. They used to go to my old public high school, and we haven't really seen each other in person, let alone eat together, in a long time. It was nice to see them, and I love them both dearly, as they are great people, yet I can't help but have the feeling that I'm the odd one out in the crowd. They graduated together. My old friends still talk to them, where as they don't approve of my behavior or whatever and have stopped talking to me. They both go to college, drive, and seem to have normal social lives. I thank them a million times over, as well as my friend Kayla, for taking the time to think of me. Yet I'm stuck here thinking. We used to be so similar, like on in the same person, now I'm this psychology major, with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. who has had a lot of challenges through life. Not to say that they haven't had their share but I think you get the point. I feel like I'm walking alone. Almost like I'm always the odd one out. I'm the one who never gets invited to anything. I never get invited to parties. I get invited to a lunch date, sure, which is nice, but when the group stuff comes along, I'm always forgotten about. I feel like it's just me, my immediate family, my boyfriend, and probably my friends Ashley and Raymond who understand my life. They live my life with me almost. I do have other friends, like my best friend Veronica and some of my old friends from the hospitals, but they're all so far away. Like, I can't see them whenever I want, or make plans for the next day or whatever. I haven't seen them in years, and even with them I feel like the odd one out. They've found close close friends, and I've been left to struggle with terrible social anxiety that pulled me apart. I realize that I have my boyfriend, and I love him dearly, along with my other friends, but yet, something doesn't seem right. I feel like I get blamed for all of this, when I'm actually making an effort, and people don't really respond to my effort. I guess because I've isolated myself for so long. Right now I'm sitting at my grandparent's house writing on my grandpa's computer. I mean, how many of us stay with their grandparents all day, every day? I guess you could call me lucky because I love my grandparents with my whole heart, but most people aren't sitting around the house, writing on a blog from their grandpa's computer. It's not that I don't want this life, it's just that I feel that some things are unfortunate about my life. I don't ask for pity or anything, I would feel very uncomfortable with that. I just ask that people try to get the right idea about me. It's not that hard to see the real me, if you make the effort. I feel that most people aren't willing to make the effort. If I lived anywhere but my hometown, most people could look at me like a normal human being. I feel that where I live has given me this sort of persona as this sickly mess of a person. Guys don't look at me. Not that they should because I have a boyfriend, but they don't look at me. Girls laugh in their own little cliques while I sit alone, or with my mom, or my grandma and grandpa, and it makes me seem like the I'm developmentally held back. I hate how my medical professionals tell me that I'm developmentally held back. I feel like mentally and emotionally I'm way above almost everyone my age. Sure, I can't drive, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm a semester behind in college, but I'm starting college in like three weeks. I may rely on my family for support, but I'm not this spoiled little brat or anything. It seems like the outside world gives me this image of being weird, when they're the cruel ones who treat me bad. I know this is getting deep, and this is just my first post of the new year, but I feel that I should be heard. Why shouldn't I be? I'm no less of a person than anyone walking down the street. I don't want people reading this and analyzing me. When I start learning more and more about psychology, I don't want to learn it just to analyze people. I want to be able to give them insight that can actually help them. Kind of like a been there, done that kind of thing. Please don't dissect my writing. Use it as something to give you insight. Just because I'm eighteen and I love Hello Kitty, the color pink, psychology, my family, sunshine, and antidepressant medications doesn't mean I'm disabled. Just because I am still considered to have Anorexia and Bulimia doesn't mean that I'm defected or whatever. I'm Jenna, and this is my story.