I'm Gonna Marry The Night

So now it's totally the middle of the night and here I am wide awake because I didn't take my sleeping pills soon enough. I just took them like five minutes ago but at this point I don't see myself sleeping for awhile. It's been forever since I've been wide awake this late and it feels kind of weird to be honest. Like I want to just go to sleep. Yet even though I only slept for three hours I feel wide awake. So I'm here thinking about life while listening to 'Marry The Night' over and over and over. I feel like just grabbing a diet coke and pulling an all night long thing. I remember in ninth grade when I would watch Grey's Anatomy and ER and House and Mystery Diagnosis and all of those shows then studying until around four am. Don't forget the exercises and the drumming added to the mix. I kin of miss those days when I got three hours of sleep. It makes you feel invincible like you're not eating much or sleeping much so you're never brought down. Because you have will power. Sometimes I feel so weak for sleeping so much. I hate Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for the pure fact that it defeats you. Part of me thinks that cutting back on my eating, or maybe just eating healthier, and exercising will make it all better. It will give me that feeling like I am invincible. Yet who am I kidding. That would make me even more exhausted. I guess it's about balance. It's about not skipping meals unnecessarily but it's also about not binging. I hate that whole balance thing because I feel like my stomach is either starving or not hungry at all. I want to wake up tomorrow morning, at whatever time that may be, eat some cereal with extra sugar and milk (like I always do) and have some orange juice and take my antibiotic. Then I want to get my iPod and put my sneakers on and go for a nice long run. Maybe later in the night I can do my Pilates but I really just need some fresh, cold, brisk air and music to clear my mind. I hate how now I have to take a shower every morning and a bath every night all while coating my skin in special soap, moisturizer, and antibiotic swabs. It takes forever and I get the hives when I take a hot bath anyway. And I'm not going to sit in cold water. So I get overheated and rash cover every night. Why can't one shower or bath be enough? I hate my stupid skin. I honestly do. It's like I have to go through all of this to even feel remotely beautiful. I realize that that's not the point. But it's a comfort thing too. I think I have a plan. Watch some Mystery Diagnosis or any other medical show I can find on YouTube. Go to sleep when my body is naturally ready. Wake up when my body is naturally ready. Breakfast. Run. Schedule classes for the second time. Do some Pilates. Take a shower. Go to the college boom store with my grandpa to get my stuff. Hang out with my boyfriend. Lunch. Call A bunch o doctors to get how I'm feeling and everything straightened out. Hang out with my grandma an grandpa. Come home. Hang out with my dad. Dinner. Hang out with my mom while doing whatever other work I need to do. All while texting a bunch of people, drinking caffeine, taking pills (that are prescribed to me of course), an finishing letters to my friends and family. I feel better actually writing out what I need to do yet it still makes me feel like I'm going to be running in circles. I'm listening to this song right now that I'm actually obsessed with. It's called 'My Own Worst Enemy' by Lit and it's a fabulous song. I want to freaking scream 'it's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy cause every now an then I kick the living sh!t out of me' and dance around. This is defiantly a new running song. So I think I'm foun to go now and rock out silently to this song and watch medical shows for comfort.