On Any Other Day I'd Be Blue Eyes Crying

It feels good to just lay in my bed under a fuzzy blanket writing on my blog. I feel like my life is spinning almost and I just want to get off of this ride. My dad is currently unemployed and I can tell that he is getting somewhat depressed. So basically I feel like I should spend time with him. I hate leaving him alone to be sad and think about work and do basically nothing. I hate leaving him for lunch by himself and just to sit there the whole day. I mean he is applying for jobs and visiting places but there is only so much you can do at a time. I usually stay with my grandparents during the day. But whoever I don't stay with gets hurt. And of course the four of us can't do something because it just seems like they have this huge problem with my dad. It's really sad. Then we add my boyfriend to the mix. I love him to death don't get me wrong. Yet my dad and grandma and grandpa want to spend time with me and then so does he when he doesn't work. It's going to be so rough when my school starts next weeks because I have afternoon classes every day now. There weren't enough people in my one class so I have to change things around. I know that means I should spend time with him and my dad and grandma and grandpa while I can. Yet at this point my head is spinning and I would be more content doing things on my own right now. Of course I can't drive so that's the problem. I would love to drive around campus, walk to my class buildings, shop for my college clothing, go to the mall, spend my graduation money on some new stuff, maybe go out for lunch with some friends. But of course I can't do any of that. I mean I could but I have to have someone with me constantly. I feel bad saying that I want to go shopping alone. But honestly I just want to clear my head. I'm trying to think of what I could do. I guess since this is my last week before school starts I should be spending time with family an friends. I did finish all of my letters and am putting then in the mail tomorrow to my closest family and friends. I also have to work on getting the real form of my one pill instead of the generic. They randomly switched me and it's making everything that's bad a million times worse. I have to call around and get a new psychiatrist. Schedule a physical with my doctor. Register for a new class time. Get excused from gym class by emailing my one doctor. Now you se why I'm overwhelmed. What the heck am I suppose to do? I wish I didn't have all of this weighing me down. Why can't I just enjoy m last week of freedom? I don't want to do all of this. Then next Tuesday is orientation basically all day. And my parents and therapist are breathing down my neck to go find my guidance counselor or whoever the heck it is. The fact is I don't want to. I don't get along well with that type of people. I feel like they look down upon me an want to control me. I can control myself without their two cents thank you very much. There's so much on my mind that I don't want to go to bed even though I'm so exhausted. I have to figure out what the heck I'm doing tomorrow because when I wake up I'll see my dad immediately and have a text from my boyfriend and have to call my grandpa. Now you see too why I like not having much of a life. Its not this overwhelming and frustrating. I'm so cold and my stomach doesn't feel so good either. I want to just hide under my blanket and forget about this all. Or magically wish this away. Either would be fine with me.

Yoga Junkie

So I downloaded the app for this on my iPod touch so now I can write without having my eyes glued to my laptop. It's pretty much awesome because I can jam out to Lady GaGa at midnight while procrastinating with taking my sleeping pills and write at the same time. I can even do all of this while laying down in my bed. If you can get this the blogger app is a mist get. I just have this vision of myself carrying my iPod everywhere with me and posting very often which I'm excited about. But anyway. Ever since I laid down it's like I have all this energy and want to do anything but be laying in bed right now. Yes I realize that it's midnight. I just have this strong urge to go running. How weird is that. I mean seriously any form of exercise makes me fatigued beyond belief. Yet I just want to go take a nice run around the block. I used to run all the time and be quite good at it. Running used to be one of my things. I was never on the track or cross country team or anything yet I loved to run around with my music blasting in my ear and the fresh air all around me. It's one of the most awesome feelings I can remember. I also love doing some kind of gentle Pilates or Yoga for like ten or twenty minutes. I used to be obsessed with Yoga, like Yoga was my love. I know that I have a history of compulsive exercising yet I love the whole doing something good for yourself feeling it gives you. I don't want to exercise to burn calorie at all. My body just feels so stiff and tense that I want to break out my Yoga mat and start stretching and relaxing. Plus I don't want to run a marathon. And I'm not going to run for miles or at an insane pace. I want to jog around the block and come home. I feel like I want to make some positive changes like drinking fruit juice instead of all the Diet Coke I consume. I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to be toned or whatever. I just want to do something that I can feel good about. I also have this desire to break out some of my old drumming books, a drum pad, and my drumsticks and just go crazy seeing what I can still do. I mean I used to be an amazing drummer with a lot of talent and potential in the music field. I know that I still want to be a psychologist and everything. Yet it doesn't hurt to have hobbies like running and Yoga and drumming. Those used to be my three favorite things and I miss them. When I began treatment they told me that I had to stop all forms of exercise and drumming. That just about killed me, being a drummer and all. I feel like they ripped a part of my soul away from me that was music. Well guess what. I want my music back. I want my Yoga and I want my running. I miss being in shape in a reasonably healthy way. I think that all of this treatment has taught me to stick to who I really am. I still love psychology. Yet I'm a drummer. I'm a runner. I'm a Yoga and Pilates junkie. Why should I let my eating disorder steal that away from me forever? I know that the key word is moderation. And I'm not trying to sound like I want to burn calories or whatever. I just want to have some fun. And for me exercise always brought some feeling of contentment. Even though I compulsively exercised when I tried it again after treatment it made me feel like I accomplished something. I'm starting college in a week and a half. I want to start exercising again. I want to drum, be it drum pad or set. I want to get my life going the way I want it to. I'm so sick and tired of my eating disorder and chronic fatigue syndrome and depression holding me back. I am strong. And after a good nights sleep I am convinced that in the morning I can do this. And yes I will rock it.

Gossips Believe Whatever They Want

I saw my psychiatrist today, and after sitting in the waiting room for forty five minutes waiting for him, I got really, really angry. I mean every other doctor in the building came out twice, at least, and he was no where to be found. So I complained about him being late to the receptionist, which usually wouldn't bother me, but he does this every single time I have an appointment. Then he comes out basically yelling at me for complaining. It's like excuse me, I may have problems, but it's not like I love sitting in a psychiatrist's office for three quarters of an hour. I do have a life, and feelings of my own thank you very much. The thing I hate about this guy is how he's all borderline this and borderline that. At first I was relieved to hear the borderline thing because that was exactly how I was feeling. Now that's like all he has to grasp onto. I despise him when he says I'm like a child searching to be an adult. Excuse me but I'm eighteen and I have more emotional stamina than most people my age, it's just in a different way. So today, I was in no mood, and I called him out on it. He was blabbing to me about how I'm this borderline patient who can be cured but has to work through therapy and stuff really hard. As if I don't put my whole life into this crap already. Then when he was rambling on, I just sat there nodding my head, while I was wondering if I should choose another psychiatrist. Then I remembered what he said a long time ago, about how I go searching for doctors until I find the perfect one, and I'm never content because there is no doctor who will ever say exactly what I want. So if I leave him, I'm just prooving to be one of his statistics, which is definatly not what I want. He was also saying how I look to my doctors like parents who fail me over and over again, and I'm just thinking what the heck? Where did this even come from? I mean if I barely said a word except how I don't appreciate being called childish when I'm clearly an adult. My doctors are my doctors. Sure I'm closer to them than most patients but I see them like six times a year, at least. Of course I want to have some kind of relationship with my treatment team. I have no problems with my medical doctor or any of my specalists at the moment, in fact I think they're doing a wonderful job on supporting me, not bashing me to my face like this guy was. I respect him because he gives me my medication, but it does make me think. I was on this one antidepressant for two years and it didn't even work, yet he would just keep me on it, when clearly it didn't work and I was still walking around depressed out of my mind. Then there was this other pill, I started off on half a milligram and ended up on twenty, which only made things a thousand times worse. I had this psychiatrist inpatient who put me on two antidepressants, and they have been like a life savor to me. It's the difference between night and day. All this guy has credit for is giving me anxiety medicine, after I begged for it, and finally finding the right sleeping pill, which isn't even a sleeping pill. It's all borderline this, and borderline that. I feel like shaking him and screaming in his face that yes, I am miserable, yes I am having mood swings, but this is clearly not the answer. I believe that I have the tendencies, sure, but my therapist even says that I'm so calm and so under control in her presence compared to most borderline personality disorder patients. I am not out of control. So please, people stop labeling me. I realize that my blog is called Borderline, because, yes, I do have borderline tendencies. But if you take the time to know me, again, you will clearly see that I am by no means a child trying to find herself in an adult world. If I was a lost little girl, how would I know that I want to major in psychology? Why would I even bother going to college? The answer is because I'm not helpless. I have gone through more on my own than most people can even imagine. I've been in a psychiatric hospital, hours away from my hometown, by myself, crying in the shower, having them rip apart my clothes, basically recovering with support but on my own. I had no contact with the outside world. When my mom came to visit me, we just talked and played games. No one else could visit me, or even call me. How do you think that feels, being on your own, while you're suicidal, locked up in this psychiatric hospital, with therapy rooms, and locks on the bathrooms so you can't purge, and padded rooms? It sucked so much. I would call myself very mature, also. I have all of these screaming thoughts in my head that I just want to scream at people, yet I control myself, because I have self control and enough common sense to do that. I am freaking sick of this identity I have become stuck with. The psychiatrist was able to give me some more anxiety medicine for when I feel a mood swing coming on, which to me makes no sense, but whatever, it will calm me down. I wasn't going to sit there any more and ask him about that. I even sucked it up and apologized to him before I left. Doesn't that freaking show maturity? Would a five year old brat apologize for saying one rude thing to her doctor? Don't think so. It just hurts so bad too because I worked my butt off to get out of high school and the environment of childhood just to become an adult, and here's this idiot calling me a child to my face. Should I stop liking Hello Kitty just to get his approval or something? And how come he can blab whatever comes to his mind, but I have to learn self control and just nod my head and agree with everything this guy says? I don't agree with him one bit, and neither does my therapist, and I'm not so sure that my medical doctor does either. The sad thing about this is, if he's going to keep thinking what he wants to think, analyzing every move I make, every word I say. I hate being stuck with this stupid situation. I thought adults had emotions too? Apparently I can be read like a book, so I may as well keep my big mouth shut from now on, so I don't have to be analyzed. I'm just going to say fine, I'm fine, ok, good bye, and call it a day. And no, that's not being childish, I think straight out saying to my face that I want to be an adult but I'm far from it is the most childish act of all, but that's just me.

The Wrong Idea

A lot of people seem to have the wrong idea about me. My name is Jenna, and I am recovering from both Anorexia and Bulimia. I get the feeling now a days that a lot of people don't exactly like me. Something just seems odd to me about my relationship with the general population. I feel like I don't fit in in most social situations much anymore because I've had a different life than most people my age. I mean, most eighteen year olds haven't been to rehab three times, had a feeding tube, an intense fear of gaining weight, along with physical health problems on top of that. Most of them went to high school, public high school at that, graduated, and are now in college, have a job, have a big group of friends, and are comfortable with themselves for the most part. I, on the other hand, went to a private cyber school for high school, and although I did graduate, I am a semester behind in college. I have never had a job. I don't have a big group of friends, and quite frankly, I feel uncomfortable the great majority of the time. I went out to lunch today with my friends Dana and Lindsey, who I haven't seen in forever. They used to go to my old public high school, and we haven't really seen each other in person, let alone eat together, in a long time. It was nice to see them, and I love them both dearly, as they are great people, yet I can't help but have the feeling that I'm the odd one out in the crowd. They graduated together. My old friends still talk to them, where as they don't approve of my behavior or whatever and have stopped talking to me. They both go to college, drive, and seem to have normal social lives. I thank them a million times over, as well as my friend Kayla, for taking the time to think of me. Yet I'm stuck here thinking. We used to be so similar, like on in the same person, now I'm this psychology major, with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. who has had a lot of challenges through life. Not to say that they haven't had their share but I think you get the point. I feel like I'm walking alone. Almost like I'm always the odd one out. I'm the one who never gets invited to anything. I never get invited to parties. I get invited to a lunch date, sure, which is nice, but when the group stuff comes along, I'm always forgotten about. I feel like it's just me, my immediate family, my boyfriend, and probably my friends Ashley and Raymond who understand my life. They live my life with me almost. I do have other friends, like my best friend Veronica and some of my old friends from the hospitals, but they're all so far away. Like, I can't see them whenever I want, or make plans for the next day or whatever. I haven't seen them in years, and even with them I feel like the odd one out. They've found close close friends, and I've been left to struggle with terrible social anxiety that pulled me apart. I realize that I have my boyfriend, and I love him dearly, along with my other friends, but yet, something doesn't seem right. I feel like I get blamed for all of this, when I'm actually making an effort, and people don't really respond to my effort. I guess because I've isolated myself for so long. Right now I'm sitting at my grandparent's house writing on my grandpa's computer. I mean, how many of us stay with their grandparents all day, every day? I guess you could call me lucky because I love my grandparents with my whole heart, but most people aren't sitting around the house, writing on a blog from their grandpa's computer. It's not that I don't want this life, it's just that I feel that some things are unfortunate about my life. I don't ask for pity or anything, I would feel very uncomfortable with that. I just ask that people try to get the right idea about me. It's not that hard to see the real me, if you make the effort. I feel that most people aren't willing to make the effort. If I lived anywhere but my hometown, most people could look at me like a normal human being. I feel that where I live has given me this sort of persona as this sickly mess of a person. Guys don't look at me. Not that they should because I have a boyfriend, but they don't look at me. Girls laugh in their own little cliques while I sit alone, or with my mom, or my grandma and grandpa, and it makes me seem like the I'm developmentally held back. I hate how my medical professionals tell me that I'm developmentally held back. I feel like mentally and emotionally I'm way above almost everyone my age. Sure, I can't drive, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm a semester behind in college, but I'm starting college in like three weeks. I may rely on my family for support, but I'm not this spoiled little brat or anything. It seems like the outside world gives me this image of being weird, when they're the cruel ones who treat me bad. I know this is getting deep, and this is just my first post of the new year, but I feel that I should be heard. Why shouldn't I be? I'm no less of a person than anyone walking down the street. I don't want people reading this and analyzing me. When I start learning more and more about psychology, I don't want to learn it just to analyze people. I want to be able to give them insight that can actually help them. Kind of like a been there, done that kind of thing. Please don't dissect my writing. Use it as something to give you insight. Just because I'm eighteen and I love Hello Kitty, the color pink, psychology, my family, sunshine, and antidepressant medications doesn't mean I'm disabled. Just because I am still considered to have Anorexia and Bulimia doesn't mean that I'm defected or whatever. I'm Jenna, and this is my story.

Sweet Child O' Mine

I really, really, want to just lay down and forget about all of this for awhile. The song that I found on shuffle for tonight is 'Sweet Child O' Mine' by Guns N' Roses. I love this song. The lyrics and music are absolutely beautiful.

Crazy Some Are Saying

In a lot of pain? check
Throwing up blood? check
Scared? check, check, and check again

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor at this hospital out of state (one of the best hospitals in the world actually, I just don't want to name names or anything on here, I don't feel comfortable with that).

I'm kind of extremely freaked out because I am in pain, and I mean a lot of pain.
I know that I have pain a lot, and they're always like 'on a scale from one to ten how bad is your pain' to which my answer is I don't know actually, I just know I am in pain.
I also know that I threw up blood, and not just like a little dot of blood or anything, it, was, blood.
I don't want to describe it to gross the sick of stomach out or anything, plus I don't even know how I would explain it, but I know it was blood.
I also know that my pain is getting worse, and I don't know what to do, because I think I should be in the emergency room right now, yet I want to hold on until tomorrow at noon.
I keep telling myself, tomorrow at noon, tomorrow at noon, just hold on, breathe, and hold on.
But I'm in a lot a lot of pain, and my mind keeps bouncing back between should I go to the emergency room or not.

The pain is mainly in my upper left abdomen, in the front, sometimes rotating a tiny bit towards the back, and just an uncomfortable feeling in my abdomen.
I'm honestly praying that I don't get admitted to my fifth hospital.
I know I'm probably over thinking everything, but, if someone has symptoms like me, with my medical history, most doctors would probably have to do something.
I have had an endoscopy before, but luckily it was along with a colonoscopy so I was under anesthesia.
They even were kind enough to give me Xanax, so I was out, even when they just gave me like a drop of anesthesia.

I'm going to go to bed, because I now have thirteen hours until I can be seen by my doctor.
Say a prayer for me please, because I know I am going to get through this, but any little bit of help would be awesome.

I Gotta Feeling

I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas - What more is there to say?