Sweet Child O' Mine

I really, really, want to just lay down and forget about all of this for awhile. The song that I found on shuffle for tonight is 'Sweet Child O' Mine' by Guns N' Roses. I love this song. The lyrics and music are absolutely beautiful.

Crazy Some Are Saying

In a lot of pain? check
Throwing up blood? check
Scared? check, check, and check again

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor at this hospital out of state (one of the best hospitals in the world actually, I just don't want to name names or anything on here, I don't feel comfortable with that).

I'm kind of extremely freaked out because I am in pain, and I mean a lot of pain.
I know that I have pain a lot, and they're always like 'on a scale from one to ten how bad is your pain' to which my answer is I don't know actually, I just know I am in pain.
I also know that I threw up blood, and not just like a little dot of blood or anything, it, was, blood.
I don't want to describe it to gross the sick of stomach out or anything, plus I don't even know how I would explain it, but I know it was blood.
I also know that my pain is getting worse, and I don't know what to do, because I think I should be in the emergency room right now, yet I want to hold on until tomorrow at noon.
I keep telling myself, tomorrow at noon, tomorrow at noon, just hold on, breathe, and hold on.
But I'm in a lot a lot of pain, and my mind keeps bouncing back between should I go to the emergency room or not.

The pain is mainly in my upper left abdomen, in the front, sometimes rotating a tiny bit towards the back, and just an uncomfortable feeling in my abdomen.
I'm honestly praying that I don't get admitted to my fifth hospital.
I know I'm probably over thinking everything, but, if someone has symptoms like me, with my medical history, most doctors would probably have to do something.
I have had an endoscopy before, but luckily it was along with a colonoscopy so I was under anesthesia.
They even were kind enough to give me Xanax, so I was out, even when they just gave me like a drop of anesthesia.

I'm going to go to bed, because I now have thirteen hours until I can be seen by my doctor.
Say a prayer for me please, because I know I am going to get through this, but any little bit of help would be awesome.

I Gotta Feeling

I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas - What more is there to say?

You Know We're Super Stars

I feel a sense of self right now, like, yes, she's finally doing something right.
Yesterday was Christmas, of course, and I had a wonderful day.
I spent the day with my immediate family, my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and great aunt.
We went to church, ate dinner (no anxiety!), opened presents, ate dessert (still no anxiety!) etc.
At night, I realized how much I terribly miss the majority of my friends.
That's what spurned me on to actually have a life, and reach out, and actually mean it this time.
I sent out a message to some of my friends from inpatient asking if I can send them cards and where I should send them to, all that good stuff.
Then today I went to Target and got thirty six blank cards to send to whoever writes back.
To me, it's like a big shock, like, some days I feel like I have nobody who cares about me, and now I have a list of twenty nine people in my life who do care, and who I can reach out to.
I started to write my cards tonight, and I'm going to finish them tomorrow.
It also feels so, so amazing to have plans for every day for the next two weeks almost.
Tomorrow we may be taking my poor guinea pig to the vet because we think she has another bladder infection.
We're going to see if the poor little pig is still peeing blood tomorrow morning and is in pain and judge from there, but I don't want to see her hurt or anything.
I'm thinking about also going to get my friend Veronica's present that I saw at Kohl's tomorrow either way.
Wednesday I have an appointment out of state, and I'm going out to lunch and the book store with my mom.
Thursday I'm going to the college book store with my mom to get my books for my courses and maybe even my other school supplies or something.
Friday I have plans with my friend Kayla (who I haven't seen since last February!) for lunch and then whatever we want to do.
Saturday I'm going to go to the mall with my mom and maybe my dad and boyfriend, then church at night, and my grandma's house for a New Year's Eve party.
That reminds me, I also want to go to Party City with my mom to get some things for New Year's Eve.
Sunday I'm going to church with my mom's family, and then to my other grandparent's house for New Year's Day.
Even though they're having yucky food, I will make the best of it hopefully.
Monday I'm going to lunch and then the movies or something with my friends Lindsey and Dana.
I haven't seen them for like forever, and I miss them each (and Kayla too!).
Tuesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, so my grandma and grandpa are going to take me to that.
Wednesday (or Friday) I'm trying to make plans with my friends Allie and Corinne.
Allie has to check her work schedule on Saturday and get back to me, and Corinne needs to get back to me too.
Thursday I finally see dermatology for the first time.
Friday I will either be chilling or going out with Allie or Corinne, or hopefully my boyfriend or something.
Saturday my mom and I are going to try to have my grandparents and my two great aunts over to our house for the holiday season.
Sunday I'm going to church, and then that begins another week.
I'm sorry for boring you with my schedule, but I'm just so excited to be doing something with myself for once.
I hate being constantly tied down by terrible fatigue, and the occasional depression and moodiness.
My goal is to not let this stuff stop me, at all, and to keep myself going at a reasonable pace, because soon enough after that I'm starting my freshman year in college, which I am actually excited about.
I didn't really have a very positive Christmas post the other night, so I also wanted to say Merry Christmas, I hope you have a blessed holiday, and thank you for following my blog!

Happy Christmas

This is the song I quoted in my previous post. This is 'Happy Christmas', a cover of the John Lennon song, performed by Maroon 5.

So, This Is Christmas...

Merry Christmas (early) morning everybody!
This (early) Christmas morning is kind of an uneasy Christmas morning for me.

'So. This is Christmas. And what have you done? Another year over. A new one just begun. So this is Christmas. I hope you had fun. The near and the dear ones. The old and the young....'

That is exactly how I'm feeling.
I have always loved that Christmas song, for some odd reason or another, I thought it was one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.
When I really, really, listened to the lyrics, and got the whole point of 'the world is messed up' it made me think.
It made me think that, yes, the world is messed up, and yes, my world is messed up.
So this is Christmas...

It just takes my mind away, and makes me think and think, and wonder and wonder.
I have all these questions I wish that I could ask God.
You know, just like, God, am I doing this right? did I make the right decision? and, God, what have I done?
Why am I anorexic? bulimic? borderline? depressed? anxious? tired? weak? sick? uncertain? in pain?

And with that being said, Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

Breaking Free

When I was making my inspirational soundtrack to go along with my book, this is one of the songs I chose, and one of my favorite ones at that. This is 'Breaking Free' by Gabriella and Troy from High School Musical.

The World Is Mine

Today is the Monday before Christmas...
For me it's a sit back and listen to David Guetta type of night...
And that's exactly what I'm doing right now....

I feel like redecorating my blog, I really do.
I feel like things need some mixing up right now.

I didn't get to tell all of you, I got accepted to my first choice college... and I start in the middle of January!
I was kind of on the fence about this one ever since I sent the application, like, oh my gosh, what am I getting myself into, but now that I'm accepted, I'm kind of excited.
I am a declared Psychology Major, and am actually extremely happy about that.
If you know me, you know that Psychology is like my passion, my obsession, etc.
I'm going to scan my paper in tonight and send it off to the college so I can (hopefully) get into the classes I want.
If things work out the way I hope and pray they do, I will be a full time student taking five classes.
I just really want to get these classes, because they're required and recommended for my major and they actually sound interesting.
I'm hoping to take a psychology course, some kind of sociology, some kind of math, analytical reading and writing, and something else which totally escapes my mind.
I really get excited each year to get my binders, school supplies, books, and all of that stuff.
Plus this year I get to buy the books, and keep the books, and write in my books, and in some ways that's actually exciting.
I wouldn't say I'm bouncing off the walls about starting college, but I am defiantly excited for some aspects of it.
For example, I can finally say, I'm living my dreams, I'm a psychology major, I'm going to college, I'm doing something with my life and everything I've learned.
It feels almost like a fresh start, which I guess it really is.
I can leave that high school drama and craziness behind me, I'm not in this 'holding zone' anymore either.
So that's my news about college.

I finally, finally, printed my graduation project (a book on Eating Disorder Awareness) and gave out my first autographed copy tonight, to my therapist.
I have twelve more to deliver, well, four to deliver to my other doctors anyway.
I'm hoping I can call their offices tomorrow and find some time this week when I can drop off their books and actually give them to them.
I also included a soundtrack: the first CD with songs about 'how it feels' to have an eating disorder, depression, and all that good stuff, the second CD full of inspirational music.
Plus, I made a DVD with a copy of my graduation project visual presentation on it, and a copy of my movie called 'Leave A Light On' which is about the truth of the whole 'Pro Anorexia and Pro Bulimia' world, and what really goes on with Anorexia and Bulimia in some places, it's really interesting and eye opening.
I'm really excited about having a copy of my book in my hands, well, actually wrapped in Disney Princess wrapping paper under the little Christmas tree we have.

I feel so accomplished.
I graduated high school.
I wrote a book.
I got accepted to college.
I am a psychology major.
I am in recovery.

It is such a good feeling to have actually.
I'm kind of a little on edge, like, agitated, but I'm by no means anxious about this all.
I kind of differentiated the whole 'agitated' from 'anxiety' thing, with the help of my therapist.
For me, agitation is more me feeling like on edge, uncomfortable, like somethings right but somethings wrong, that type of thing.
And anxiety is more of me being nervous, shaking, and having panic attacks.
So I'm just a tad agitated, but nothing I can't handle.
I guess it's because of everything coming up and all.
Tomorrow I'm going to be with my grandparents, calling my eye doctor to get new contacts ordered, and trying to get to my doctors somehow to give them their copy of my book as a Christmas present.
Wednesday I'm trying to figure something out to do with my dad, and then we're all (my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, possibly my aunt, and me) going out to dinner for my parents anniversary.
Thursday is getting close to Christmas, and I will be with my grandparents again and possibly my boyfriend because he has off work.
Friday my mom starts Christmas break and I'm exchanging presents with my boyfriend.
Saturday I open presents with my mom and dad in the morning, because it's Christmas eve, and then I go to church at night, and over to my aunt's house.
Sunday then is Christmas of course, which I will be spending with my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and aunt, after going to church in the morning.
I guess that's kind of overwhelming, but at the same time reassuring because I know what's going on, and that somehow helps me with my depression, or so I've learned.

I also want to do some kind of photo project with photo editing on my laptop and then some hand drawn art.
I went to the craft store today with my grandpa and got these five sketch pads and this thing with markers, colored pencils, crayons, oil pastels, and paint, which I think is pretty cool.
I really want to make something, I just have to kind of think about what I'm going to do so I don't like start and stop, or ruin it or anything.
So right now I'm going to finish some Christmas cards with my mom, have a snack if I can stomach one (I've been gagging on almost any type of food lately), and then work on something with my pictures.
Oh yeah, and I have to scan that paper for college.

Well I hope everyone has a wonderful week, and I will hopefully be posting again tomorrow.

Over You

Again, I hate talking about this whole situation, let alone on the Internet. Yet this is something that makes me feel like I'm taking some sort of step with my recovery, in that now I do have a voice. I remember listening to this song, lying on my bedroom floor, screaming, crying, until finally, one day, (Shane), I got over you. This is "Over You" by Daughtry.

Our Scars Remind Us That The Past Is Real

I feel so betrayed right now.
It feels like my heart has been ripped out from under me.
I suspected this for a long time, but now my fears have been confirmed.
The majority of my friends won't talk to me anymore.
These include mainly my friends from drumline, marching band, and concert band.
I just had, and still have, this gut feeling, that this guy (Shane we will call him) turned them against me.
From time to time, I'll see a post from someone on my friends list, and there will be the picture of (Shane) staring me in the face, piercing me with his words.
I have absolutely no feelings except hate towards (Shane) and the hurt he has caused me.
So, tonight, I decided to do a little investigating I guess you could call it, of his profile.
I basically had my deepest fears confirmed.
(Shane) is succeeding in life, (Shane) has my friends, (Shane) has everything I ever dreamed of.
He's a music education major at the same college I plan on attending in, like, a month.
I always wanted to be a music major.
He's like, a star percussionist, and thriving with every aspect of it.
I used to played the drums, I used to be good, if not great, and it was all ripped away from me by my eating disorder.
I feel like my life has been ripped out from under me by, none other than, (Shane).
I honestly believe there's some kind of little thing going on behind my back from High School still.
I have every reason to believe that the main guy here, is (Shane).
I don't like to talk about it, in fact, I almost refuse to talk about what happened between us, unless it is to my therapist or psychiatrist.
It just brings back every rude remark, every glare, every look, every emotion, every ounce of pain.
Basically, it brings back everything.
I hate how my old friends have turned against me.
I almost feel like I'm being made fun of  by them to some extent, like laughed at in the face.
I realize that some of this is me exaggerating, but if you were in my shoes, you would most likely feel betrayed also.
However, I am telling nothing but the facts based on my observations, and I would never lie.
I've learned that through (Shane), never lie, because he is honestly the biggest liar I know.
He stole my innocence, my identity, my friends, my heart, and, most of all my life.
And he gets away with everything.
He gets a knock on the door from a police officer, oh wow.
I get the police in my house, with me crying the hardest I ever cried in my life, exposing myself to a police officer.
Exposing every ounce of myself through treatment, the flashbacks, the blackouts, the nightmares.
And he doesn't even think twice about me except to make my life miserable.
I mean, it's like when I was a freshman he just lived to torture me in any way possible.
Well, (Shane) you have been exposed, what I can safely say about you anyway.
You've torn me apart, inch my inch, pound by pound.
Gosh, I hate talking about this, because I feel like such a weak, fragile, jealous little girl.
So to (Shane), thank you for ripping apart my heart and soul, taking over my life, and making me lose the girl I once was.
Thank you, and now good night.

This One's For The Girls

I chose a lyric video for this song because I really want everyone to pay attention to what she's singing about. This was my discovery of the night. Here is 'This One's For The Girls' by Martina McBride.

Ready Ready Ready Ready

This isn't going to be a long post, but there is something I have to say.
It's not evening anymore, and it's not really morning, so I'm basically awake in the middle of the night.
I've been downloading music for my movie like, all weekend.
Right now I'm getting a little tired, like I can feel my arms and hands relaxing, which feels so weird.
I did take my sleeping pills, so hopefully I'll be out soon.
I wasn't really tired earlier anyway, because I slept basically all morning.
Well I downloaded all the CD's that were in my bedroom, which took forever, because of course I have to choose the songs and stuff.
I then went to the landing where we have the rest of our CD's, mainly my dad's, but some my mom's and mine.
So I was going through some of our older music, and I stumbled upon this song.
I started to listen to it on my laptop and was like, oh my gosh, this song means something.
It's kind of like, the feeling that I'm not alone.
So, girls, this one's for you, good night.

Ordinary World

This is officially the title song to my documentary, project, whatever you want to call it, 'Ordinary World' by Duran Duran.

There's An Ordinary World, Somehow I, Have To Find

I want to tell you all about a project I'm going to try to do, starting, now.
I recently found some of my old books on things like anorexia, bulimia, depression, borderline personality disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
I started to read them again, and I was going to take notes on them and hopefully prepare myself for starting psychology classes.
I don't know, I guess I thought that by reading them it would put those things behind me, help me to better understand myself, others, maybe even disconnect myself a little, whatever.
I was reading the books, and the anorexia, bulimia, and eating disorder ones got me really interested.
Obviously, I am recovering, or whatever you would call this stage, from anorexia and bulimia.
Then I was reading the introduction to 'Life Without Ed' and then I really, really got interested.
It made me start thinking, what good is reading these books when I know my story?
I mean I read all of those books a long time ago, when I was deeper into my eating disorder, and they honestly just triggered me.
Reading those books brought back all of those things, like, oh I remember that hungry feeling, I remember when I didn't eat, and it made me curious.
I had to snap myself out of it, so while I found my old journals from treatment, I decided to eat some animal crackers and drink some diet coke.
I know, that kind of sounds like a pathetic snack, but I was really, really proud of myself.
I not only pushed those thoughts behind me for awhile, I ate, when every inch of my body was screaming 'don't you dare do it, don't you dare'.
I told the voice to shut up, because I was starving, and I had to take my antibiotics with something (I have a sinus infection).
I could have easily went to bed and by morning forgot about the hunger, or skipped my antibiotic, because no one was around or anything.
But instead, I overcame, and I'm extremely proud of myself for that.
So what I'm getting at is, I decided that I'm going to make a documentary on eating disorders.
I don't know exactly how yet, I mean I need some more ideas, but I have some floating in my head.
I really want to be an advocate, like, hey, I am overcoming this, and I have made many strides, so why can't other people who are suffering?
I'm also pushing through terrible nausea right now which is a side effect from my antibiotics.
I saw a new doctor yesterday, and he said to just push through the nausea, using my nausea medicine when I need to, and things should get better when my sinus infection clears.
That guy, I only saw him once, but he really made an impression on me.
He asked me why I had gastroparesis, and I said I used to have an eating disorder, and he didn't even linger on it.
It was almost like he was just like, okay, you had an eating disorder, and now you're moving on.
He said I had idiopathic gastroparesis, which basically means it's there for no reason.
It also made me extremely happy because I can get rid of those doctors now, the ones who gave me the feeding tube and said it was all my anorexia, and are leaving my parents with the rest.
I am so proud and relieved to have them gone, put behind me, whatever.
Well, I know you may be thinking that making a documentary on eating disorders isn't exactly putting the anorexia and bulimia behind me.
Yet at the same time, it is, it really is, because sure I'm revisiting my past, but I'm also jumping into the here and now, along with my future.
I'm thinking about how the eating disorder impacted me, while telling how the eating disorder is affecting me now, and getting it out to move on to a better future.
I'm going to sit down and really think about how I want to do this.
I'm at my grandma and grandpa's house, and I want to wrap my Christmas presents with my grandpa, and my grandma wants to work on my Christmas scrapbooks, so I guess I have to make time to do that, and while I do that, I can talk to them and see if they have any ideas for me.
I also have therapy late this afternoon, and I hope to get some ideas from her too.
So basically, I'm going to try to continue writing on here throughout my project, to keep you updated and just to rant about how I'm doing and everything.
Oh, and my project is called 'Ordinary World' based on the song from Duran Duran.

Better Days

This song is extremely powerful to me. I'm pretty sure I didn't already post this song, and if I did I apologize, but I think it needs to be posted again. I'm getting severe pain in my spleen area right now, so I'm going to go for the night. This is 'Better Days' by the Goo Goo Dolls.

And You Ask Me What I Want This Year

Right now, I'm just sitting in bed, listening to 'Without You' by David Guetta on repeat, drinking 'Christmas Eve' flavored hot tea, which is getting cold, and writing to you.
This is kind of like the calm after the storm for me right now.
I kind of ended up breaking down on my boyfriend's couch about four hours ago.
We had a pretty good day, except I was having terrible mood swings for the majority of the day.
Like I said yesterday, my mom is in charge of the Christmas Program at our church, so we went to help her with that, which was basically me standing up front reading absent people's parts.
Then we stayed for church, which is something I haven't done in forever, the whole Sunday School and church in a row, back to back thing.
To be honest, it makes me really exhausted and tires me out, like I just can't keep my attention straight that long or my head in the service for the whole thing.
After that we went out to lunch to Panera with my mom and dad, and we had a pretty good time I would say.
We ended up laughing hysterically at the end over little things, which always feels good.
We went back to my house then so I could take my medicine and just hung out for awhile.
Then we went to his house because he wanted to help his dad decorate the Christmas tree, which was fine with me.
Until we got there, I got super depressed.
We did decorate the tree, and I ended up texting him telling him I was about to break down.
And I mean, I really had no reason to, because we were just decorating a Christmas tree and then sitting and watching football with his dad.
I just totally lost it then, crying hysterically in his arms, telling him 'I can't do this, I can't do this'.
He reassured me that I can do it, I made it this far, and I shouldn't give up, and that he's right there with me.
I ended up calling my mom to come and get me, and drop him off at a meeting and party he was going to for work.
It was just so weird, because I haven't officially broke down in front of him before.
I mean of course my mom has seen me through it all, but it kind of embarrasses me to break down in front of my family anymore, and I don't know why.
I guess I try to put on a strong face in front of them, and they see me act normal every day, so when I randomly break down, it's like 'what'?
I feel like these mood swings are honestly doing damage to my mind.
When I came home, I took a hot bath, ate a brownie I had left over from Panera, and fell asleep.
I was asleep for over two hours, and when I woke up, I honestly felt like I could not move.
It was like, okay Jenna, get out of bed now, and I was mentally awake, but my body would not wake up for anything in the world.
I had to talk to myself like, Jenna you have to get up, you can't lay in bed forever, yet my body would not send me any energy at all.
I finally pulled myself out of bed and went downstairs to eat a bowl of cereal because I didn't feel like I could stomach anything else.
Then I was helping my mom with her and my dad's Christmas cards, and I was totally fine, I was doing pretty good compared to where I was before.
Now I'm in my bedroom and I just want to cry again.
Except this time my boyfriend isn't here to hold me, and my mom isn't sitting beside my bed holding my hand, and no one is talking to me, and the tears are falling, and I just want to hide under the blankets.
I feel like I'm such a child, like I need my mom holding my hand when I cry.
But the tears are just pouring down my face, and I'm thinking again 'I can't do this, I can't do this'.
I don't feel capable of going to college, yet if I don't go I feel like I'm letting everyone down, myself included.
And I know my therapist and doctors would push me to go to college, for my own good and all, but I can't, I really can't, I do not feel physically or mentally capable at this point.
It's kind of like, back to square one, what do I do with myself?
I knew I wanted to major in psychology, I knew I wanted to help other people, yet if I can't even get myself together, how can I help someone else?
And I mean, I always wanted to do modeling or something, but my skin is ruined from the medicine I'm taking to raise my blood pressure and stuff.
Which on its own makes me feel extremely hideous and self-conscious.
If I could recommend one thing for myself, from a psychological point of view, from the advice of all the classes I took on psychology, I would say that I need to talk to my psychiatrist or my one specialist that I can think of who treats my fatigue.
Yet I'm so so so scared to, because I feel like I'm slipping, and it's not a good feeling.
My psychiatrist tells me that they haven't changed my medication dose in a year for depression and anxiety, and I feel like all that hard work would go down the drain.
Almost like going back to square one, like, oh they changed my medicine, there must be something wrong with me, like I'm failing at life.
I can tell that I'm not even thinking clearly.

I'm also overwhelmed with three appointments this week, Christmas coming up, and just dealing with my every day stuff.
This sounds absolutely horrible, but I wish they would just erase Christmas this year, say that Jesus was born, be happy for a few minutes, and then move on with our lives.
I'm not trying to downplay the whole Jesus thing, I'm just trying to downplay the business, the gifts, the shopping, the food, the decorations, etc.
I don't even know how to begin to explain that, but that's just how I feel about the whole topic right now.
I am defiantly not in the Christmas spirit, especially with some people telling me that I spend too much money on myself and other people, and that I need to stop spending.
I guess it's just, to see the smile on that person's face when I give them something, that good feeling you get deep inside, it just makes me feel good, for even just a second, it's worth it.
If I had my own money I would spend it, but I'm still technically living under my parent's roof.
Money is such a ridiculous subject for me, like it's become too important in our world, and there are other things that should be given a lot more attention then that.
For example, when I had my feeding tube, they expect money for it from my parents, and I mean sure, I had the feeding tube, but I was sick, I was honest to God sick, and now that's one more thing weighing my mom down.
That's not a main topic, just an example, and medical bills, whenever I go to the doctor's they're like 'remember to pay your monthly payment' it's never 'oh how are you doing Jenna' with those receptionists.
And I know it's their 'job' but it gets on my nerves sometimes.
At this point, I'm honestly just rambling about nothing and I really need to go to bed or lay down or something.
I guess I'm still writing on here because I know if I lay down I'll start to think and my mind will wander and I will start to cry over something.
But I'm going to shut up and take my medication and pray that I can hold it together tomorrow without breaking down again.

She's So Gone

So this Summer, a movie came out on Disney Channel called Lemonade Mouth. I thought it was lame at first, but it is a really good and inspirational movie. It actually inspired me for a time with my blog. My dad watched this movie like twenty times I swear, and bought the soundtrack the next day. I, on the other hand, bought this song as soon as the movie was over. It just like hits me, and inspires me. This is 'She's So Gone' sung by Naomi Scott from the movie Lemonade Mouth.

Here I Am, This Is Me

To start out tonight's post, I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog.
It really makes my day to see that people read what I'm saying, and just the whole aspect of the support, it is really appreciated.
I haven't written on here in a long, long time, so I apologize for that.
I was kind of sinking into the area of depression and no motivation.
At this point I came to realize that I am motivated, deep down inside I really am motivated to do things.
So if I am motivated, I should push myself, just that extra inch to try my best at life.
The problem is, it's not just depression that was striking me, it's also terrible fatigue and a brain fog that won't go away.
I've been reading a little bit about the whole Chronic Fatigue Syndrome thing, and it kind of gives me that little push that 'I can do this' with or without my fatigue.
Some people, no lie, with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are bed ridden, or can't talk, can't take care of themselves, or even do simple things.
It makes me realize how blessed I am to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that allows me to function.
Some mornings the fatigue is so strong that I honestly struggle to get out of bed.
I feel like I rely on caffeine to get through my day, like I had three caffinated Diet Cokes today, which is like a record for me (caffeine makes my insomnia so much worse so I try to avoid it).
I mean, sure, sometimes the fatigue is really, really bad, yet I can still manage to put one foot in front of the other,
Yes, I do need to rest more than most people, but it's just how my body is right now.
That being said, we have a Christmas Program at our church for the kids, and my mom is in charge of it like always.
This is the first year I'm not qualified to read or anything, so I told her that I would help her out with the program.
I wasn't planning on going, because it means I have to wake up early, function through the day, etc.
I decided to ask my boyfriend to come with me, to give me some motivation.
It looks like tomorrow morning I'm going to go to church, with my mom, and my boyfriend, for Christmas Program rehearsal and church.
I basically have the rest of the day planned with my boyfriend, which feels good too.
It felt good to hang out with him today again too.
We watched Titanic, took a dinner break and went to Chili's with his dad and step mom, and then finished the movie.
I don't want to sound like weird but it almost made me cry at the end.
I won't ruin the ending, but it's extremely sad, yet romantic, kind of like you just want to lay there and take it all in, which is what I did.
Plus it's my boyfriend's favorite movie, so I had to see the whole thing eventually.
I was freezing my butt off ever since I got to his house, so I've been wearing another one of his sweatshirts, which is a nice feeling in some way I can't even explain.
The only problem right now is I'm having a lot of pressure in my lower lower abdomen and a little bit into my back, so I'm thinking I might have an infection of some sort.
I do have three appointments this week.
Tuesday morning I go to see my one specialist for a yearly check.
Wednesday I meet my new gastroenterologist and Thursday I have therapy.
I know I'm going to have a busy week, because Monday my boyfriend has off work and Friday I'm going with my grandma and grandpa to get Christmas trees.
Plus I have to (sometime) renew my drivers permit and see what's up with college.
I did turn in my college application, now they need my transcript and test scores.
Things get stressful, but it does give me things to focus my mind on besides depression and fatigue all the time.
Right now, I'm in pain, but I'm going to keep pushing through, and trying to smile, faking it until I make it (as some doctor told me a long time ago).
It sounds really bad, like a horrible idea, but really, if you get in the habit of doing something, it becomes second nature to you if you push through the hard stuff.
At least that's how I think of it.