Important Song: Everything

Buried way beneath the sheets
I think she's having a meltdown
Finding it hard to fall asleep
She won't let anyone help her
The look on her face
A waste of time
She won't let go
Going to roll the dice
Losing her grace
She starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her
I wanna be
I want everything
I want everything
Somewhere he is on the streets
Trying to make things better
Praying to God and breathing deep
Got to break this long obsession
The look on her face
A waste of time
She won't let go
Going to roll the dice
Losing her grace
She starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her
I wanna be
I want everything
I want everything
If I had everything would I
Still want to be alive
I want to be high
If I had everything would I
Still want to be alive
I want to be high
Now and then she talks to me
And sometimes writes me letters
The look on her face
A waste of time
She won't let go
Going to roll the dice
Losing her grace
She starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her
I wanna be
I want everything
I want everything
You know I wanna be
I want everything
I wanted everything
Everything
Your eyes
Never close your eyes
And open up your mind
And baby you can have everything
Your eyes
Never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything

Important Lyrics: Creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so f***ing special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a prefect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so f***ing special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so f***ing special
I wish I was special
But in a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here...

Could I Get Any Sicker?

I am so glad that I have the blog app on my iPod. I just threw up like an extreme amount for the third time tonight. Basically this is the story. I just got over treatment for my second sinus infection within a short period of time last Friday. It was even a two week course of antibiotics. My runny nose continued after treatment and my sinus pressure came back about three days later. I called my doctor hoping for some relief. Instead he told me I needed a CT scan of my sinuses. Well I started college on Wednesday with orientation on Tuesday so I couldn't go for the scan until today, well yesterday since its like midnight, almost one am. In the mean time my sinuses got even worse. I got possibly the worst cold slash sinus thing I ever remember. I got all the symptoms. Runny nose. Stuffy nose. Post nasal drip. Mucus running out of my nose at random times. Sinus pressure under my eyes and behind my eyes and in my cheeks. Irritated throat. Cough. And terrible, miserable sneezing. Then later today things took a turn for the worst. I got terrible nausea and this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. So I threw up a lot at one time. I called my doctors office hoping to get an on call doctor for some advice for some relief. Then I got the worst nausea I could ever dream up. I mean it was like every centimeter I moved my body the nausea got a million times worse. I threw up again and ended up laying down on the bathroom floor a few more times. The nurse and doctor were no help. They first thought I was pregnant. I was like uh no defiantly not. I think I can be honest to them about that one. Then they actually advised me to not take my nausea and vomiting medicine. Even though I have a history of severe dehydration and vomiting. They were basically like oh just let it keep coming. The nurse actually said well, you didn't puke eight times or anything. Oh so I have to wait until I'm throwing up a half dozen or more times before they take me seriously. They told me all these home remedies hoping they would work, which obviously don't work because I've had vomiting and nausea a million times before. Trust me I've tried basically everything in the area of self remedies and medications. I finally got the strength to pull myself off of the bathroom floor an into my bed. I had to self talk myself through the terrible nausea and be sure not to move even a little bit. I finally fell asleep. I woke up awhile ago and tried to lay on my other side. This time the nausea got worse. I slept for maybe five minutes. I don't even know because that part is all a big blur. I remember sitting up because my nausea was that terrible. Then I ran to the bathroom and called my mom like I'm going to puke now. I just made it and threw up a ton a ton like it would not stop. It burned my throat so bad from the stomach acid. It still burns terribly. I went back to my bed feeling really good in my stomach. Like a huge relief. I told my mom to go back to bed. Because honestly I don't see myself really sleeping unless by chance I can fall asleep sitting up. I am not laying down again I can tell you that. I just really want like a frozen coke or something. I'm so thirsty and I would imagine dehydrated. I'm scared or rather terrified to put a thing in my mouth and stomach. Right now my nausea is pretty good. I am a little queasy but no where near like before. I'm kind of in severe stomach pain. Which could be from my IBS or stomach muscles or just pain. I don't know what to do except sleep and I really can't sleep right now. I'm so thirsty. I want a frozen coke from a gas station and I don't know why but I really do. It's also terribly snowy outside and I'm sure the roads are frozen. I want some pain medicine too but the nurse was like blah blah no ibuprofen because of your stomach. Then why would the GI doctor give it to me specifically for my stomach? Ah it makes no sense. I'm going to curl up under my blankets and just lay here. Praying that I don't throw up again. Except now the nausea is returning. I'm in so much pain. Ah gosh.

Oh, Johnny Wishes He Was Famous...

Just a little side note for everyone. Look up the lyrics to the song Innocent by Our Lady Peace. It's by far one of my favorite songs ever. I'm also listening to it right now. It's really inspiring to me. I'm thinking right now how everything is going to change this week, and I'm more than ready for it. I really want to do some positive things for myself. I want to continue exercising by doing Pilates. I did exercise Sunday and it really felt amazing. I want to continue doing that starting tomorrow. I start college on Wednesday and have an orientation meeting with my supervisor on Tuesday afternoon. My supervisor also happens to be my psychology teacher so I am really happy for that. Besides exercising, I've kind of been slacking on the stuff my dermatologist gave me for my skin. I think it's a big hassle but yet my skin is improving. I'm going to resume taking a bath in the morning and a shower in the evening, using the special soap and moisturizer and antibiotic stuff. It's not that I don't bathe or anything it's just so annoying to be on a schedule and have to take a bath and a shower both every single day. I really want to cut and dye and highlight my hair tomorrow. My roots are growing out and I want something different. Like nothing drastic. I just want a slightly different color, maybe a little shorter in length, and either straight or wavy. I hate going back and fourth with this straightening my hair and not doing anything with it. I want to look like a college student, who takes pride in her life. Especially in her studies and how she looks. I want to be well rounded and take pride in every aspect of my life. I'm a college student. Psychology major. Recovering from anorexia and bulimia. And most importantly, taking pride in who she is and loving life. I figured out my homework schedule out too. For my day classes, I will do the homework after class. Wednesday nights homework I will do on Saturday's and Thursday nights homework on Sunday's. That way I have a moderate amount of homework each day and I'm not stressing myself out. I decided too that until my dad gets a job I will stay with him on Tuesday's and Thursday's and my grandma and grandpa Monday and Wednesday and Friday. I hope to spend Friday nights with my boyfriend (somehow) and breaks and one weekend day. It's going to be kind of crazy because he works and goes to school at night and I go to school every day and two nights. I'm sure we can stay strong and make this work. I am not totally worried about that. I kind of didn't mention my mom. I will spend nights when I don't have class and weekends with her. So I think that's pretty much well rounded for me. I'm also continuing with therapy every two weeks and doctors every three to so months. It feels so good to be at this point in my life. I know I will hit some bumps in the road. Yet I now know that I have the strength to movie on and keep myself going. I really want to sleep right now but I felt sick earlier because I had a tetanus and chicken pox shot today and they didn't really agree with me. I also forgot to take my depression medicine. For the second day in a row. The good or rather amazing news is that I'm off my antibiotics finally and am able to take my prescription pain medicine again. I really needed it tonight for pain and a fever. I think I will watch some YouTube videos for awhile until I get sleepier. It feels so nice to be in my warm bed laying down and resting. To m boyfriend and grandma and grandpa who are all sick I hope you feel better. Cheers to the freaking weekend.

Freaking Out, Just A Bit

Around forty eight hours ago, a little more now, I went to see my doctor for my physical for college. They couldn't find any of my immunization records, as I had transferred from another practice, so they told me that a nurse would call me to see if I needed any shots. In the mean time, they had to do a tuberculosis test because I had never had one and it is now required for my school. So they did the test where they do that thing to your arm. They told me that it might get a little red, but I should watch for more red and some swelling. Earlier today, it finally went away. Except now, maybe a few hours ago, it started to turn red, and continue to get more red. It's swelling a little bit, but I don't know how much the limit is on the swelling or whatever. I'm trying not to freak out, I'm really trying. But I am so scared that the test is positive, because they said that I had to wait forty eight hours, and bam, now here it is. If this were a normal situation, I wouldn't be freaked out. The thing is my dad had a false positive tuberculosis test when he was in his twenties. They did the chest x-ray and said it was neither positive nor negative, but he had to be on some kind of pill for a year anyway and he can never have another test like that again. The other thing is, there is an outbreak of tuberculosis, not in my town, but in my section of the state. So tomorrow, late morning, I have to enter the back door of my doctor's office, have a nurse look at my arm, and decide if I need a chest x-ray at the hospital or what. I also need another chicken pox vaccine, possibly a tetanus one too. They want me to have two others, but I'm signing the waver on them, because I don't think my body can handle all that. I'm not obsessing or anything, but my arm is now starting to swell a little bit where they injected the thing.

In other news, I woke up this morning, and my sleeping pills were all over the floor and my bed. I was like, what the heck? I already took my three sleeping pills before going to sleep. Well, the lid was off, and the bottle was spilled halfway. I couldn't tell if I actually took any or not, because there are so many pills in the bottle. If I did take the pills, I did it subconsciously. I did not even think about overdosing, for a long, long time. My dad had to wake me up too. You're probably thinking that I worry way too much, but this is crazy. Pills all over my bedroom basically? A red swollen spot on my arm that doctors are actually looking for? That's not normal or comforting by any means! My boyfriend is in extreme stomach pain, so he's asleep. I'm worried about him too, because he has work and school, and now whatever is wrong with him illness wise. Then there's my friend Ashley, who says she's extremely depressed and can't stop crying, but won't text me back. I really hope she's okay. My friend Veronica is in extreme pain and just had surgery today, so she's not doing well either. Why is it always how the innocent people get all this stuff thrown at them? My dad is also unemployed, and he struggles with a pretty severe case of depression and some anxiety. My grandma has the stomach flu and is pushing herself to carry on with her life, because she is so uncomfortable I would guess that she doesn't know what else to do. My heart honestly goes out to anyone struggling in any way right now, because I feel the discomfort, I feel the uncertainty of everything. Just pray that we can hang in there. Remember one of my favorite quotes: together we can make it through another day.

Why Yes, Yes I Can

So after a pretty hectic day today I really want to spend tomorrow catching up with family and friends before college. I'm going to try to go to my college's book store with my grandpa and my boyfriend sometime in the morning. Then I'm thinking we can order a pizza or something for lunch at my grandparents house and my dad can come over too. He's getting kind of depressed so I'm going to try to get him to hang out with us for lunch so he not alone. I really want to text some of my friends then too. Some of my old friends have been reaching out to me, like Sarah and Emily and Lindsey and Dana and Kayla. I guess that means that they do care about me still. I mean I just felt like I didn't fit in anymore. Yet I'm regaining my strength and self esteem and I feel like I can reach out in a way that I couldn't really before. I'm at least going to put in some effort because it can't hurt honestly. I've been kind of grumpy lately. College stuff is overwhelming me with how they dropped my one class and I had to change times and it changes my whole outlook on my days. Also how I had to go to the doctors tonight for a spur of the moment physical. I had to have the tuberculosis test and my arm is red but so far no swelling. It's just a little dot. I'm pretty sure that means I'm okay. I have to go back Friday for them to read my test an figure out if I need any shots for college or just in general. Thursday the Red Hello Kitty comes out at Build a Bear so I'm trying to go with my grandma and grandpa and/or my dad. This Saturday I'm going to try to go shopping and to lunch with my mom for some girl time. I'm trying to keep all of this in mind and keep myself positive. Like this is what I want to do now. And I'm going to do it. I should have an opinion besides pleasing others or looking out for them all the time. Not that I don't care but part of recovery is caring for yourself too. I mailed all thirty of my January inspirational letters to my family and friends. I'm excited about that because I really think that they will love them not to sound self praising or anything, just confident. I just really have this inspiration now to be a normal eighteen almost nineteen year old girl. I don't want to be depressed or anxious obviously, but I also don't want to restrict or binge or purge or compulsively exercise or cut myself or anything like that. I really don't want to use my eating disorder. Like tonight they were like ok so your BMI is. And I stopped them because I was caught of guard and said it would trigger me. Who are they to tell me if I'm underweight or healthy or overweight? I mean by whose standard do I have to live up to? The government's or my own? I'm sticking to my own. That immediately made me think of the song that says 'Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do. I won't try. I try.' I have that song on repeat right now. So I'm going to try to sleep even though I'm wide awake. Maybe watch some music videos or something. I'm going to take my sleeping pills and pray that tomorrow is a good day. I feel like somehow this is a huge step in the right direction for me. It feels so good for once.

I'm Gonna Marry The Night

So now it's totally the middle of the night and here I am wide awake because I didn't take my sleeping pills soon enough. I just took them like five minutes ago but at this point I don't see myself sleeping for awhile. It's been forever since I've been wide awake this late and it feels kind of weird to be honest. Like I want to just go to sleep. Yet even though I only slept for three hours I feel wide awake. So I'm here thinking about life while listening to 'Marry The Night' over and over and over. I feel like just grabbing a diet coke and pulling an all night long thing. I remember in ninth grade when I would watch Grey's Anatomy and ER and House and Mystery Diagnosis and all of those shows then studying until around four am. Don't forget the exercises and the drumming added to the mix. I kin of miss those days when I got three hours of sleep. It makes you feel invincible like you're not eating much or sleeping much so you're never brought down. Because you have will power. Sometimes I feel so weak for sleeping so much. I hate Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for the pure fact that it defeats you. Part of me thinks that cutting back on my eating, or maybe just eating healthier, and exercising will make it all better. It will give me that feeling like I am invincible. Yet who am I kidding. That would make me even more exhausted. I guess it's about balance. It's about not skipping meals unnecessarily but it's also about not binging. I hate that whole balance thing because I feel like my stomach is either starving or not hungry at all. I want to wake up tomorrow morning, at whatever time that may be, eat some cereal with extra sugar and milk (like I always do) and have some orange juice and take my antibiotic. Then I want to get my iPod and put my sneakers on and go for a nice long run. Maybe later in the night I can do my Pilates but I really just need some fresh, cold, brisk air and music to clear my mind. I hate how now I have to take a shower every morning and a bath every night all while coating my skin in special soap, moisturizer, and antibiotic swabs. It takes forever and I get the hives when I take a hot bath anyway. And I'm not going to sit in cold water. So I get overheated and rash cover every night. Why can't one shower or bath be enough? I hate my stupid skin. I honestly do. It's like I have to go through all of this to even feel remotely beautiful. I realize that that's not the point. But it's a comfort thing too. I think I have a plan. Watch some Mystery Diagnosis or any other medical show I can find on YouTube. Go to sleep when my body is naturally ready. Wake up when my body is naturally ready. Breakfast. Run. Schedule classes for the second time. Do some Pilates. Take a shower. Go to the college boom store with my grandpa to get my stuff. Hang out with my boyfriend. Lunch. Call A bunch o doctors to get how I'm feeling and everything straightened out. Hang out with my grandma an grandpa. Come home. Hang out with my dad. Dinner. Hang out with my mom while doing whatever other work I need to do. All while texting a bunch of people, drinking caffeine, taking pills (that are prescribed to me of course), an finishing letters to my friends and family. I feel better actually writing out what I need to do yet it still makes me feel like I'm going to be running in circles. I'm listening to this song right now that I'm actually obsessed with. It's called 'My Own Worst Enemy' by Lit and it's a fabulous song. I want to freaking scream 'it's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy cause every now an then I kick the living sh!t out of me' and dance around. This is defiantly a new running song. So I think I'm foun to go now and rock out silently to this song and watch medical shows for comfort.

On Any Other Day I'd Be Blue Eyes Crying

It feels good to just lay in my bed under a fuzzy blanket writing on my blog. I feel like my life is spinning almost and I just want to get off of this ride. My dad is currently unemployed and I can tell that he is getting somewhat depressed. So basically I feel like I should spend time with him. I hate leaving him alone to be sad and think about work and do basically nothing. I hate leaving him for lunch by himself and just to sit there the whole day. I mean he is applying for jobs and visiting places but there is only so much you can do at a time. I usually stay with my grandparents during the day. But whoever I don't stay with gets hurt. And of course the four of us can't do something because it just seems like they have this huge problem with my dad. It's really sad. Then we add my boyfriend to the mix. I love him to death don't get me wrong. Yet my dad and grandma and grandpa want to spend time with me and then so does he when he doesn't work. It's going to be so rough when my school starts next weeks because I have afternoon classes every day now. There weren't enough people in my one class so I have to change things around. I know that means I should spend time with him and my dad and grandma and grandpa while I can. Yet at this point my head is spinning and I would be more content doing things on my own right now. Of course I can't drive so that's the problem. I would love to drive around campus, walk to my class buildings, shop for my college clothing, go to the mall, spend my graduation money on some new stuff, maybe go out for lunch with some friends. But of course I can't do any of that. I mean I could but I have to have someone with me constantly. I feel bad saying that I want to go shopping alone. But honestly I just want to clear my head. I'm trying to think of what I could do. I guess since this is my last week before school starts I should be spending time with family an friends. I did finish all of my letters and am putting then in the mail tomorrow to my closest family and friends. I also have to work on getting the real form of my one pill instead of the generic. They randomly switched me and it's making everything that's bad a million times worse. I have to call around and get a new psychiatrist. Schedule a physical with my doctor. Register for a new class time. Get excused from gym class by emailing my one doctor. Now you se why I'm overwhelmed. What the heck am I suppose to do? I wish I didn't have all of this weighing me down. Why can't I just enjoy m last week of freedom? I don't want to do all of this. Then next Tuesday is orientation basically all day. And my parents and therapist are breathing down my neck to go find my guidance counselor or whoever the heck it is. The fact is I don't want to. I don't get along well with that type of people. I feel like they look down upon me an want to control me. I can control myself without their two cents thank you very much. There's so much on my mind that I don't want to go to bed even though I'm so exhausted. I have to figure out what the heck I'm doing tomorrow because when I wake up I'll see my dad immediately and have a text from my boyfriend and have to call my grandpa. Now you see too why I like not having much of a life. Its not this overwhelming and frustrating. I'm so cold and my stomach doesn't feel so good either. I want to just hide under my blanket and forget about this all. Or magically wish this away. Either would be fine with me.

Yoga Junkie

So I downloaded the app for this on my iPod touch so now I can write without having my eyes glued to my laptop. It's pretty much awesome because I can jam out to Lady GaGa at midnight while procrastinating with taking my sleeping pills and write at the same time. I can even do all of this while laying down in my bed. If you can get this the blogger app is a mist get. I just have this vision of myself carrying my iPod everywhere with me and posting very often which I'm excited about. But anyway. Ever since I laid down it's like I have all this energy and want to do anything but be laying in bed right now. Yes I realize that it's midnight. I just have this strong urge to go running. How weird is that. I mean seriously any form of exercise makes me fatigued beyond belief. Yet I just want to go take a nice run around the block. I used to run all the time and be quite good at it. Running used to be one of my things. I was never on the track or cross country team or anything yet I loved to run around with my music blasting in my ear and the fresh air all around me. It's one of the most awesome feelings I can remember. I also love doing some kind of gentle Pilates or Yoga for like ten or twenty minutes. I used to be obsessed with Yoga, like Yoga was my love. I know that I have a history of compulsive exercising yet I love the whole doing something good for yourself feeling it gives you. I don't want to exercise to burn calorie at all. My body just feels so stiff and tense that I want to break out my Yoga mat and start stretching and relaxing. Plus I don't want to run a marathon. And I'm not going to run for miles or at an insane pace. I want to jog around the block and come home. I feel like I want to make some positive changes like drinking fruit juice instead of all the Diet Coke I consume. I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to be toned or whatever. I just want to do something that I can feel good about. I also have this desire to break out some of my old drumming books, a drum pad, and my drumsticks and just go crazy seeing what I can still do. I mean I used to be an amazing drummer with a lot of talent and potential in the music field. I know that I still want to be a psychologist and everything. Yet it doesn't hurt to have hobbies like running and Yoga and drumming. Those used to be my three favorite things and I miss them. When I began treatment they told me that I had to stop all forms of exercise and drumming. That just about killed me, being a drummer and all. I feel like they ripped a part of my soul away from me that was music. Well guess what. I want my music back. I want my Yoga and I want my running. I miss being in shape in a reasonably healthy way. I think that all of this treatment has taught me to stick to who I really am. I still love psychology. Yet I'm a drummer. I'm a runner. I'm a Yoga and Pilates junkie. Why should I let my eating disorder steal that away from me forever? I know that the key word is moderation. And I'm not trying to sound like I want to burn calories or whatever. I just want to have some fun. And for me exercise always brought some feeling of contentment. Even though I compulsively exercised when I tried it again after treatment it made me feel like I accomplished something. I'm starting college in a week and a half. I want to start exercising again. I want to drum, be it drum pad or set. I want to get my life going the way I want it to. I'm so sick and tired of my eating disorder and chronic fatigue syndrome and depression holding me back. I am strong. And after a good nights sleep I am convinced that in the morning I can do this. And yes I will rock it.

Gossips Believe Whatever They Want

I saw my psychiatrist today, and after sitting in the waiting room for forty five minutes waiting for him, I got really, really angry. I mean every other doctor in the building came out twice, at least, and he was no where to be found. So I complained about him being late to the receptionist, which usually wouldn't bother me, but he does this every single time I have an appointment. Then he comes out basically yelling at me for complaining. It's like excuse me, I may have problems, but it's not like I love sitting in a psychiatrist's office for three quarters of an hour. I do have a life, and feelings of my own thank you very much. The thing I hate about this guy is how he's all borderline this and borderline that. At first I was relieved to hear the borderline thing because that was exactly how I was feeling. Now that's like all he has to grasp onto. I despise him when he says I'm like a child searching to be an adult. Excuse me but I'm eighteen and I have more emotional stamina than most people my age, it's just in a different way. So today, I was in no mood, and I called him out on it. He was blabbing to me about how I'm this borderline patient who can be cured but has to work through therapy and stuff really hard. As if I don't put my whole life into this crap already. Then when he was rambling on, I just sat there nodding my head, while I was wondering if I should choose another psychiatrist. Then I remembered what he said a long time ago, about how I go searching for doctors until I find the perfect one, and I'm never content because there is no doctor who will ever say exactly what I want. So if I leave him, I'm just prooving to be one of his statistics, which is definatly not what I want. He was also saying how I look to my doctors like parents who fail me over and over again, and I'm just thinking what the heck? Where did this even come from? I mean if I barely said a word except how I don't appreciate being called childish when I'm clearly an adult. My doctors are my doctors. Sure I'm closer to them than most patients but I see them like six times a year, at least. Of course I want to have some kind of relationship with my treatment team. I have no problems with my medical doctor or any of my specalists at the moment, in fact I think they're doing a wonderful job on supporting me, not bashing me to my face like this guy was. I respect him because he gives me my medication, but it does make me think. I was on this one antidepressant for two years and it didn't even work, yet he would just keep me on it, when clearly it didn't work and I was still walking around depressed out of my mind. Then there was this other pill, I started off on half a milligram and ended up on twenty, which only made things a thousand times worse. I had this psychiatrist inpatient who put me on two antidepressants, and they have been like a life savor to me. It's the difference between night and day. All this guy has credit for is giving me anxiety medicine, after I begged for it, and finally finding the right sleeping pill, which isn't even a sleeping pill. It's all borderline this, and borderline that. I feel like shaking him and screaming in his face that yes, I am miserable, yes I am having mood swings, but this is clearly not the answer. I believe that I have the tendencies, sure, but my therapist even says that I'm so calm and so under control in her presence compared to most borderline personality disorder patients. I am not out of control. So please, people stop labeling me. I realize that my blog is called Borderline, because, yes, I do have borderline tendencies. But if you take the time to know me, again, you will clearly see that I am by no means a child trying to find herself in an adult world. If I was a lost little girl, how would I know that I want to major in psychology? Why would I even bother going to college? The answer is because I'm not helpless. I have gone through more on my own than most people can even imagine. I've been in a psychiatric hospital, hours away from my hometown, by myself, crying in the shower, having them rip apart my clothes, basically recovering with support but on my own. I had no contact with the outside world. When my mom came to visit me, we just talked and played games. No one else could visit me, or even call me. How do you think that feels, being on your own, while you're suicidal, locked up in this psychiatric hospital, with therapy rooms, and locks on the bathrooms so you can't purge, and padded rooms? It sucked so much. I would call myself very mature, also. I have all of these screaming thoughts in my head that I just want to scream at people, yet I control myself, because I have self control and enough common sense to do that. I am freaking sick of this identity I have become stuck with. The psychiatrist was able to give me some more anxiety medicine for when I feel a mood swing coming on, which to me makes no sense, but whatever, it will calm me down. I wasn't going to sit there any more and ask him about that. I even sucked it up and apologized to him before I left. Doesn't that freaking show maturity? Would a five year old brat apologize for saying one rude thing to her doctor? Don't think so. It just hurts so bad too because I worked my butt off to get out of high school and the environment of childhood just to become an adult, and here's this idiot calling me a child to my face. Should I stop liking Hello Kitty just to get his approval or something? And how come he can blab whatever comes to his mind, but I have to learn self control and just nod my head and agree with everything this guy says? I don't agree with him one bit, and neither does my therapist, and I'm not so sure that my medical doctor does either. The sad thing about this is, if he's going to keep thinking what he wants to think, analyzing every move I make, every word I say. I hate being stuck with this stupid situation. I thought adults had emotions too? Apparently I can be read like a book, so I may as well keep my big mouth shut from now on, so I don't have to be analyzed. I'm just going to say fine, I'm fine, ok, good bye, and call it a day. And no, that's not being childish, I think straight out saying to my face that I want to be an adult but I'm far from it is the most childish act of all, but that's just me.

The Wrong Idea

A lot of people seem to have the wrong idea about me. My name is Jenna, and I am recovering from both Anorexia and Bulimia. I get the feeling now a days that a lot of people don't exactly like me. Something just seems odd to me about my relationship with the general population. I feel like I don't fit in in most social situations much anymore because I've had a different life than most people my age. I mean, most eighteen year olds haven't been to rehab three times, had a feeding tube, an intense fear of gaining weight, along with physical health problems on top of that. Most of them went to high school, public high school at that, graduated, and are now in college, have a job, have a big group of friends, and are comfortable with themselves for the most part. I, on the other hand, went to a private cyber school for high school, and although I did graduate, I am a semester behind in college. I have never had a job. I don't have a big group of friends, and quite frankly, I feel uncomfortable the great majority of the time. I went out to lunch today with my friends Dana and Lindsey, who I haven't seen in forever. They used to go to my old public high school, and we haven't really seen each other in person, let alone eat together, in a long time. It was nice to see them, and I love them both dearly, as they are great people, yet I can't help but have the feeling that I'm the odd one out in the crowd. They graduated together. My old friends still talk to them, where as they don't approve of my behavior or whatever and have stopped talking to me. They both go to college, drive, and seem to have normal social lives. I thank them a million times over, as well as my friend Kayla, for taking the time to think of me. Yet I'm stuck here thinking. We used to be so similar, like on in the same person, now I'm this psychology major, with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. who has had a lot of challenges through life. Not to say that they haven't had their share but I think you get the point. I feel like I'm walking alone. Almost like I'm always the odd one out. I'm the one who never gets invited to anything. I never get invited to parties. I get invited to a lunch date, sure, which is nice, but when the group stuff comes along, I'm always forgotten about. I feel like it's just me, my immediate family, my boyfriend, and probably my friends Ashley and Raymond who understand my life. They live my life with me almost. I do have other friends, like my best friend Veronica and some of my old friends from the hospitals, but they're all so far away. Like, I can't see them whenever I want, or make plans for the next day or whatever. I haven't seen them in years, and even with them I feel like the odd one out. They've found close close friends, and I've been left to struggle with terrible social anxiety that pulled me apart. I realize that I have my boyfriend, and I love him dearly, along with my other friends, but yet, something doesn't seem right. I feel like I get blamed for all of this, when I'm actually making an effort, and people don't really respond to my effort. I guess because I've isolated myself for so long. Right now I'm sitting at my grandparent's house writing on my grandpa's computer. I mean, how many of us stay with their grandparents all day, every day? I guess you could call me lucky because I love my grandparents with my whole heart, but most people aren't sitting around the house, writing on a blog from their grandpa's computer. It's not that I don't want this life, it's just that I feel that some things are unfortunate about my life. I don't ask for pity or anything, I would feel very uncomfortable with that. I just ask that people try to get the right idea about me. It's not that hard to see the real me, if you make the effort. I feel that most people aren't willing to make the effort. If I lived anywhere but my hometown, most people could look at me like a normal human being. I feel that where I live has given me this sort of persona as this sickly mess of a person. Guys don't look at me. Not that they should because I have a boyfriend, but they don't look at me. Girls laugh in their own little cliques while I sit alone, or with my mom, or my grandma and grandpa, and it makes me seem like the I'm developmentally held back. I hate how my medical professionals tell me that I'm developmentally held back. I feel like mentally and emotionally I'm way above almost everyone my age. Sure, I can't drive, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm a semester behind in college, but I'm starting college in like three weeks. I may rely on my family for support, but I'm not this spoiled little brat or anything. It seems like the outside world gives me this image of being weird, when they're the cruel ones who treat me bad. I know this is getting deep, and this is just my first post of the new year, but I feel that I should be heard. Why shouldn't I be? I'm no less of a person than anyone walking down the street. I don't want people reading this and analyzing me. When I start learning more and more about psychology, I don't want to learn it just to analyze people. I want to be able to give them insight that can actually help them. Kind of like a been there, done that kind of thing. Please don't dissect my writing. Use it as something to give you insight. Just because I'm eighteen and I love Hello Kitty, the color pink, psychology, my family, sunshine, and antidepressant medications doesn't mean I'm disabled. Just because I am still considered to have Anorexia and Bulimia doesn't mean that I'm defected or whatever. I'm Jenna, and this is my story.