Important Song: Everything

Buried way beneath the sheets
I think she's having a meltdown
Finding it hard to fall asleep
She won't let anyone help her
The look on her face
A waste of time
She won't let go
Going to roll the dice
Losing her grace
She starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her
I wanna be
I want everything
I want everything
Somewhere he is on the streets
Trying to make things better
Praying to God and breathing deep
Got to break this long obsession
The look on her face
A waste of time
She won't let go
Going to roll the dice
Losing her grace
She starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her
I wanna be
I want everything
I want everything
If I had everything would I
Still want to be alive
I want to be high
If I had everything would I
Still want to be alive
I want to be high
Now and then she talks to me
And sometimes writes me letters
The look on her face
A waste of time
She won't let go
Going to roll the dice
Losing her grace
She starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her
I wanna be
I want everything
I want everything
You know I wanna be
I want everything
I wanted everything
Everything
Your eyes
Never close your eyes
And open up your mind
And baby you can have everything
Your eyes
Never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything

Important Lyrics: Creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so f***ing special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a prefect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so f***ing special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so f***ing special
I wish I was special
But in a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here...

Could I Get Any Sicker?

I am so glad that I have the blog app on my iPod. I just threw up like an extreme amount for the third time tonight. Basically this is the story. I just got over treatment for my second sinus infection within a short period of time last Friday. It was even a two week course of antibiotics. My runny nose continued after treatment and my sinus pressure came back about three days later. I called my doctor hoping for some relief. Instead he told me I needed a CT scan of my sinuses. Well I started college on Wednesday with orientation on Tuesday so I couldn't go for the scan until today, well yesterday since its like midnight, almost one am. In the mean time my sinuses got even worse. I got possibly the worst cold slash sinus thing I ever remember. I got all the symptoms. Runny nose. Stuffy nose. Post nasal drip. Mucus running out of my nose at random times. Sinus pressure under my eyes and behind my eyes and in my cheeks. Irritated throat. Cough. And terrible, miserable sneezing. Then later today things took a turn for the worst. I got terrible nausea and this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. So I threw up a lot at one time. I called my doctors office hoping to get an on call doctor for some advice for some relief. Then I got the worst nausea I could ever dream up. I mean it was like every centimeter I moved my body the nausea got a million times worse. I threw up again and ended up laying down on the bathroom floor a few more times. The nurse and doctor were no help. They first thought I was pregnant. I was like uh no defiantly not. I think I can be honest to them about that one. Then they actually advised me to not take my nausea and vomiting medicine. Even though I have a history of severe dehydration and vomiting. They were basically like oh just let it keep coming. The nurse actually said well, you didn't puke eight times or anything. Oh so I have to wait until I'm throwing up a half dozen or more times before they take me seriously. They told me all these home remedies hoping they would work, which obviously don't work because I've had vomiting and nausea a million times before. Trust me I've tried basically everything in the area of self remedies and medications. I finally got the strength to pull myself off of the bathroom floor an into my bed. I had to self talk myself through the terrible nausea and be sure not to move even a little bit. I finally fell asleep. I woke up awhile ago and tried to lay on my other side. This time the nausea got worse. I slept for maybe five minutes. I don't even know because that part is all a big blur. I remember sitting up because my nausea was that terrible. Then I ran to the bathroom and called my mom like I'm going to puke now. I just made it and threw up a ton a ton like it would not stop. It burned my throat so bad from the stomach acid. It still burns terribly. I went back to my bed feeling really good in my stomach. Like a huge relief. I told my mom to go back to bed. Because honestly I don't see myself really sleeping unless by chance I can fall asleep sitting up. I am not laying down again I can tell you that. I just really want like a frozen coke or something. I'm so thirsty and I would imagine dehydrated. I'm scared or rather terrified to put a thing in my mouth and stomach. Right now my nausea is pretty good. I am a little queasy but no where near like before. I'm kind of in severe stomach pain. Which could be from my IBS or stomach muscles or just pain. I don't know what to do except sleep and I really can't sleep right now. I'm so thirsty. I want a frozen coke from a gas station and I don't know why but I really do. It's also terribly snowy outside and I'm sure the roads are frozen. I want some pain medicine too but the nurse was like blah blah no ibuprofen because of your stomach. Then why would the GI doctor give it to me specifically for my stomach? Ah it makes no sense. I'm going to curl up under my blankets and just lay here. Praying that I don't throw up again. Except now the nausea is returning. I'm in so much pain. Ah gosh.

Oh, Johnny Wishes He Was Famous...

Just a little side note for everyone. Look up the lyrics to the song Innocent by Our Lady Peace. It's by far one of my favorite songs ever. I'm also listening to it right now. It's really inspiring to me. I'm thinking right now how everything is going to change this week, and I'm more than ready for it. I really want to do some positive things for myself. I want to continue exercising by doing Pilates. I did exercise Sunday and it really felt amazing. I want to continue doing that starting tomorrow. I start college on Wednesday and have an orientation meeting with my supervisor on Tuesday afternoon. My supervisor also happens to be my psychology teacher so I am really happy for that. Besides exercising, I've kind of been slacking on the stuff my dermatologist gave me for my skin. I think it's a big hassle but yet my skin is improving. I'm going to resume taking a bath in the morning and a shower in the evening, using the special soap and moisturizer and antibiotic stuff. It's not that I don't bathe or anything it's just so annoying to be on a schedule and have to take a bath and a shower both every single day. I really want to cut and dye and highlight my hair tomorrow. My roots are growing out and I want something different. Like nothing drastic. I just want a slightly different color, maybe a little shorter in length, and either straight or wavy. I hate going back and fourth with this straightening my hair and not doing anything with it. I want to look like a college student, who takes pride in her life. Especially in her studies and how she looks. I want to be well rounded and take pride in every aspect of my life. I'm a college student. Psychology major. Recovering from anorexia and bulimia. And most importantly, taking pride in who she is and loving life. I figured out my homework schedule out too. For my day classes, I will do the homework after class. Wednesday nights homework I will do on Saturday's and Thursday nights homework on Sunday's. That way I have a moderate amount of homework each day and I'm not stressing myself out. I decided too that until my dad gets a job I will stay with him on Tuesday's and Thursday's and my grandma and grandpa Monday and Wednesday and Friday. I hope to spend Friday nights with my boyfriend (somehow) and breaks and one weekend day. It's going to be kind of crazy because he works and goes to school at night and I go to school every day and two nights. I'm sure we can stay strong and make this work. I am not totally worried about that. I kind of didn't mention my mom. I will spend nights when I don't have class and weekends with her. So I think that's pretty much well rounded for me. I'm also continuing with therapy every two weeks and doctors every three to so months. It feels so good to be at this point in my life. I know I will hit some bumps in the road. Yet I now know that I have the strength to movie on and keep myself going. I really want to sleep right now but I felt sick earlier because I had a tetanus and chicken pox shot today and they didn't really agree with me. I also forgot to take my depression medicine. For the second day in a row. The good or rather amazing news is that I'm off my antibiotics finally and am able to take my prescription pain medicine again. I really needed it tonight for pain and a fever. I think I will watch some YouTube videos for awhile until I get sleepier. It feels so nice to be in my warm bed laying down and resting. To m boyfriend and grandma and grandpa who are all sick I hope you feel better. Cheers to the freaking weekend.

Freaking Out, Just A Bit

Around forty eight hours ago, a little more now, I went to see my doctor for my physical for college. They couldn't find any of my immunization records, as I had transferred from another practice, so they told me that a nurse would call me to see if I needed any shots. In the mean time, they had to do a tuberculosis test because I had never had one and it is now required for my school. So they did the test where they do that thing to your arm. They told me that it might get a little red, but I should watch for more red and some swelling. Earlier today, it finally went away. Except now, maybe a few hours ago, it started to turn red, and continue to get more red. It's swelling a little bit, but I don't know how much the limit is on the swelling or whatever. I'm trying not to freak out, I'm really trying. But I am so scared that the test is positive, because they said that I had to wait forty eight hours, and bam, now here it is. If this were a normal situation, I wouldn't be freaked out. The thing is my dad had a false positive tuberculosis test when he was in his twenties. They did the chest x-ray and said it was neither positive nor negative, but he had to be on some kind of pill for a year anyway and he can never have another test like that again. The other thing is, there is an outbreak of tuberculosis, not in my town, but in my section of the state. So tomorrow, late morning, I have to enter the back door of my doctor's office, have a nurse look at my arm, and decide if I need a chest x-ray at the hospital or what. I also need another chicken pox vaccine, possibly a tetanus one too. They want me to have two others, but I'm signing the waver on them, because I don't think my body can handle all that. I'm not obsessing or anything, but my arm is now starting to swell a little bit where they injected the thing.

In other news, I woke up this morning, and my sleeping pills were all over the floor and my bed. I was like, what the heck? I already took my three sleeping pills before going to sleep. Well, the lid was off, and the bottle was spilled halfway. I couldn't tell if I actually took any or not, because there are so many pills in the bottle. If I did take the pills, I did it subconsciously. I did not even think about overdosing, for a long, long time. My dad had to wake me up too. You're probably thinking that I worry way too much, but this is crazy. Pills all over my bedroom basically? A red swollen spot on my arm that doctors are actually looking for? That's not normal or comforting by any means! My boyfriend is in extreme stomach pain, so he's asleep. I'm worried about him too, because he has work and school, and now whatever is wrong with him illness wise. Then there's my friend Ashley, who says she's extremely depressed and can't stop crying, but won't text me back. I really hope she's okay. My friend Veronica is in extreme pain and just had surgery today, so she's not doing well either. Why is it always how the innocent people get all this stuff thrown at them? My dad is also unemployed, and he struggles with a pretty severe case of depression and some anxiety. My grandma has the stomach flu and is pushing herself to carry on with her life, because she is so uncomfortable I would guess that she doesn't know what else to do. My heart honestly goes out to anyone struggling in any way right now, because I feel the discomfort, I feel the uncertainty of everything. Just pray that we can hang in there. Remember one of my favorite quotes: together we can make it through another day.

Why Yes, Yes I Can

So after a pretty hectic day today I really want to spend tomorrow catching up with family and friends before college. I'm going to try to go to my college's book store with my grandpa and my boyfriend sometime in the morning. Then I'm thinking we can order a pizza or something for lunch at my grandparents house and my dad can come over too. He's getting kind of depressed so I'm going to try to get him to hang out with us for lunch so he not alone. I really want to text some of my friends then too. Some of my old friends have been reaching out to me, like Sarah and Emily and Lindsey and Dana and Kayla. I guess that means that they do care about me still. I mean I just felt like I didn't fit in anymore. Yet I'm regaining my strength and self esteem and I feel like I can reach out in a way that I couldn't really before. I'm at least going to put in some effort because it can't hurt honestly. I've been kind of grumpy lately. College stuff is overwhelming me with how they dropped my one class and I had to change times and it changes my whole outlook on my days. Also how I had to go to the doctors tonight for a spur of the moment physical. I had to have the tuberculosis test and my arm is red but so far no swelling. It's just a little dot. I'm pretty sure that means I'm okay. I have to go back Friday for them to read my test an figure out if I need any shots for college or just in general. Thursday the Red Hello Kitty comes out at Build a Bear so I'm trying to go with my grandma and grandpa and/or my dad. This Saturday I'm going to try to go shopping and to lunch with my mom for some girl time. I'm trying to keep all of this in mind and keep myself positive. Like this is what I want to do now. And I'm going to do it. I should have an opinion besides pleasing others or looking out for them all the time. Not that I don't care but part of recovery is caring for yourself too. I mailed all thirty of my January inspirational letters to my family and friends. I'm excited about that because I really think that they will love them not to sound self praising or anything, just confident. I just really have this inspiration now to be a normal eighteen almost nineteen year old girl. I don't want to be depressed or anxious obviously, but I also don't want to restrict or binge or purge or compulsively exercise or cut myself or anything like that. I really don't want to use my eating disorder. Like tonight they were like ok so your BMI is. And I stopped them because I was caught of guard and said it would trigger me. Who are they to tell me if I'm underweight or healthy or overweight? I mean by whose standard do I have to live up to? The government's or my own? I'm sticking to my own. That immediately made me think of the song that says 'Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do. I won't try. I try.' I have that song on repeat right now. So I'm going to try to sleep even though I'm wide awake. Maybe watch some music videos or something. I'm going to take my sleeping pills and pray that tomorrow is a good day. I feel like somehow this is a huge step in the right direction for me. It feels so good for once.

I'm Gonna Marry The Night

So now it's totally the middle of the night and here I am wide awake because I didn't take my sleeping pills soon enough. I just took them like five minutes ago but at this point I don't see myself sleeping for awhile. It's been forever since I've been wide awake this late and it feels kind of weird to be honest. Like I want to just go to sleep. Yet even though I only slept for three hours I feel wide awake. So I'm here thinking about life while listening to 'Marry The Night' over and over and over. I feel like just grabbing a diet coke and pulling an all night long thing. I remember in ninth grade when I would watch Grey's Anatomy and ER and House and Mystery Diagnosis and all of those shows then studying until around four am. Don't forget the exercises and the drumming added to the mix. I kin of miss those days when I got three hours of sleep. It makes you feel invincible like you're not eating much or sleeping much so you're never brought down. Because you have will power. Sometimes I feel so weak for sleeping so much. I hate Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for the pure fact that it defeats you. Part of me thinks that cutting back on my eating, or maybe just eating healthier, and exercising will make it all better. It will give me that feeling like I am invincible. Yet who am I kidding. That would make me even more exhausted. I guess it's about balance. It's about not skipping meals unnecessarily but it's also about not binging. I hate that whole balance thing because I feel like my stomach is either starving or not hungry at all. I want to wake up tomorrow morning, at whatever time that may be, eat some cereal with extra sugar and milk (like I always do) and have some orange juice and take my antibiotic. Then I want to get my iPod and put my sneakers on and go for a nice long run. Maybe later in the night I can do my Pilates but I really just need some fresh, cold, brisk air and music to clear my mind. I hate how now I have to take a shower every morning and a bath every night all while coating my skin in special soap, moisturizer, and antibiotic swabs. It takes forever and I get the hives when I take a hot bath anyway. And I'm not going to sit in cold water. So I get overheated and rash cover every night. Why can't one shower or bath be enough? I hate my stupid skin. I honestly do. It's like I have to go through all of this to even feel remotely beautiful. I realize that that's not the point. But it's a comfort thing too. I think I have a plan. Watch some Mystery Diagnosis or any other medical show I can find on YouTube. Go to sleep when my body is naturally ready. Wake up when my body is naturally ready. Breakfast. Run. Schedule classes for the second time. Do some Pilates. Take a shower. Go to the college boom store with my grandpa to get my stuff. Hang out with my boyfriend. Lunch. Call A bunch o doctors to get how I'm feeling and everything straightened out. Hang out with my grandma an grandpa. Come home. Hang out with my dad. Dinner. Hang out with my mom while doing whatever other work I need to do. All while texting a bunch of people, drinking caffeine, taking pills (that are prescribed to me of course), an finishing letters to my friends and family. I feel better actually writing out what I need to do yet it still makes me feel like I'm going to be running in circles. I'm listening to this song right now that I'm actually obsessed with. It's called 'My Own Worst Enemy' by Lit and it's a fabulous song. I want to freaking scream 'it's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy cause every now an then I kick the living sh!t out of me' and dance around. This is defiantly a new running song. So I think I'm foun to go now and rock out silently to this song and watch medical shows for comfort.