Never Gonna Leave This Bed

I love this song, and I also love the video. It really makes me just want to cuddle with my boyfriend, again, for the rest of the night. This is 'Never Gonna Leave This Bed' by Maroon 5.

And I'm Hanging On A Moment With You

Happy (almost) Thanksgiving to everyone!
I am super excited to write on here tonight!
I'm sitting on my bed, wearing my boyfriend's sweatshirt, writing, and drinking 'candy cane lane' flavored hot tea, which is a pretty amazing way to spend my night if you ask me.
If you're wondering why I'm wearing my boyfriend's sweatshirt, it's not just because I'm freezing cold and trying to get warm, but because we had a pretty amazing night together.
I went over to his house tonight, and we hung out and played video games for awhile, which you probably know isn't my favorite hobby by any means.
Then we decided to watch a movie, a romantic movie at that.
Okay, I'm not going to go into mushy details about how we watched the movie or anything, but there are important details included.
In the beginning we cuddled, and the way he held me, I actually felt content in his arms.
It was kind of like this feeling I never felt before.
I wasn't like, oh my gosh I just want to go home, I was watching the movie, and he was holding me close, and it just felt so, right.
Of course, when his parents went upstairs and stuff we kissed and stuff, of course.
It was honestly one of the most passionate moments of my life.
I had my arms around him, and he had his arms around me, and whenever our lips touched, I just knew how much I loved him.
I could have laid with him, kissed him, cuddled with him, for the rest of my life.
It was just so comfortable, so romantic.
Each kiss, so passionate, each touch so gentle, everything was like perfection.
We were talking tonight about when he's going to propose to me, which I guess you don't really talk about, but we did anyway.
I've been kind of on the border with that, like I want to wear his ring, I want to say I'm his, and I want to eventually marry him, but it's like when? because time plays a role in all this.
Well, I realized at this point, after tonight, that I really want to spend my life with him, for real for real.
I didn't want to leave his side tonight for anything.
I just wanted one more hug, one more kiss, one more second in his arms, anything.
I really believe that I love this guy with my whole heart, and I can tell, I can just tell, that he really loves me back.
He is the happiness in my life, one of my biggest supports, and most of all, my love.
Right now, I would love to be laying beside him in bed, just holding each other tight, knowing that I have my love right there with me.
I know I'm eighteen, I'm not trying to rush things, but I want to just like, I don't know, say 'this guy is mine, forever and always'.
I want to wear his ring, walk down the aisle with him, go to France on our honeymoon to look for David Guetta on the beach, spend my life with him, share the memories, share my life with him.
I love him so much, I really do.
It's going to be hard being away from him until next week, because tomorrow is Thanksgiving and then my mom and I are hopefully going away for the weekend.
I do however know that some quality time with my mom is important too, and something I also enjoy.
Plus shopping is always wonderful, especially for Christmas presents.
Shopping for Christmas presents has become one of my favorite online hobbies, so imagine how fun it will be in a huge mall!
I'm working on these books for my close family members about things we are thankful for.
I found a list on the Internet of sixty things to be thankful for, and it's very appropriate.
Right now, I just want to say to God and to everyone that I am thankful for the time I've spent with my grandparents this week, the time I am about to spend with my dad and his parents tomorrow, the weekend I can spend with my mom, and of course my boyfriend.
Enjoy your holiday everybody!

Everything

Yes, I realize that these are just lyrics. I was looking for the music video for this song, but I couldn't find a version that I could post on here. This song means so much to me. I feel like it describes me perfectly most of the time. Plus, it comforts me that someone else wrote this song, like they know how I'm feeling, and they understand. This is 'Everything' by Buckcherry.

Nothing Lasts Forever But Be Honest Babe

Again, I have more catching up to do, but my first order of business is this.
I got these photo albums yesterday at Hallmark that I just couldn't leave the store without.
I saw one first for my dad with Snoopy on it, and he loves Snoopy, so that one was sold.
Then I saw one with Disney Princesses on it, so I really wanted it, not to sound selfish or anything, I just have this thing where if I get my family something, I kind of want something myself to match it.
So I got my mom one with Micky Mouse on it because she likes Disney too.
I found a cute one for my aunt, so I had to get my grandma and grandpa one too, as much as they argued about it, it's kind of like a project for me, so I got them each one with patterns on them too.
They're just little flip book things, but they're adorable and I can see them as being special.
So anyway, I looked at my pictures last night from my camera and found some good ones.
I found some for everyone's album, and I found more today from my grandpa's camera.
Well I asked my mom for some pictures tonight for me to look at, and she gave me some really old ones.
These pictures start right after my parents were married up until right before I was born, well at least the album I was looking at.
I saw all these pictures of my mom and dad, and how they looked so happy, so normal, so content.
I saw my grandma and grandpa,and how young they looked, and my other grandma and grandpa, and how they almost seemed, I can't think of a better word to use except human.
I know my grandpa is still doing well, it's just that my grandma has Parkinson's Disease, so it's kind of sad to watch her deteriorate.
Then of course there were pictures of my aunt who I'm close to, and my great grandparents who were alive at the time, and other relatives, like my aunt and uncle and cousin.
I didn't really get to the album of when I was born yet, because I'm not ready to look at that at this moment in time.
It makes me sad sometimes, like I just want to cry, because I was so innocent, so young and had the world in front of me, and I miss those days.
Then you can see things change, and I know things changed, I guess I should talk about that.
My dad has depression, which in some of the pictures you can see him struggling.
I knew he had depression and anxiety when my parents were first married, but it becomes more apparent as time goes on, simply because I know my dad.
It's really sad to see my grandparents age, because I am super close to my mom's parents, and I still care about and love my dad's parents, don't get my wrong.
I've seen my great grandparents, who have all since died.
I was closer to my great grandmas (my grandmas' moms) who died when I was young, so I don't have many memories with them though.
I remember family reunions and holidays with my grandpa's dad and step-mom and how they both recently died.
Those deaths were kind of hard on me for the sole reason of my grandpa.
These were his parents, obviously, and I was staying with them when they each died.
In fact, I knew about my step great grandmother's death before my grandpa did.
I remember I had to get blood tests done, so when my grandma went back with my I told her and we agreed to let my aunt and uncle tell my grandpa.
We went to the gas station next door to get me some breakfast because I was fasting, and his cell rang and my uncle told him.
It was kind of different when my great grandpa died, because that was his real dad.
Even though I wasn't at the house when they got the phone call, my grandma said it wasn't a good situation, which I can believe.
You have to know more about my great grandparents to understand the whole situation, but I don't think it's appropriate for me to go into details on the Internet or anything.
What the pictures really make me think about more than my family is myself.
We don't have many pictures from when I was struggling with my Anorexia really bad, but I did find one in my grandpa's photos.
I was in treatment and had off on weekends, and we were at a family reunion in like August.
Everyone was gathered around the long table getting their food, and I was sitting by myself, waiting for my family to get their food, eating a packed lunch of peanut butter and jelly, with my light brown curly hair and my skinny arms sticking out.
It was kind of shocking to see, because I had totally blocked that out of my mind.
Yet deep in the back of my mind, sometimes I think that I wish it was back to those days of treatment.
Not that I want to be in treatment again especially, but that I want that comfort back.
Back then, I had the comfort of my mom staying with me and my grandma and grandpa coming when my mom had something to do with her school.
I also had all of the support I could ever want, I had my school friends who were actually worried about me.
They would call me from band camp, or text me during breaks or when I was home.
I also had the other girls there who knew what I was feeling like, and just having them be there in groups with me felt good.
I also lived in the Ronald McDonald house at that point during the week.
Every Sunday night my mom and I would drive up north to where my treatment program was, and every Friday afternoon we would drive home for the weekend.
Something about the house was comforting too.
I guess it was just because there were other people there too who were sick, and it made me feel like I was actually sick, and it was kind of like my safe haven to stay in.
I couldn't really sleep at that point from insomnia, so I would go on a lot of walks with my mom, even though I wasn't allowed to exercise.
We would color and play games, and I would write and listen to music, and we would talk, I would struggle through my meals until it was time for me to go to the program.
I'm not going to say things were perfect, because there were a lot of times where I would have panic attacks, be suicidal, and smother myself under the blankets for hours.
The point I'm trying to make is it was just somewhat easier at that time, somehow.
I just feel like things then would swing back and fourth between better and worse and better and worse.
I got worse with my Anorexia, went into treatment, got better, got worse with my Bulimia, got better, got worse with my acid reflux and stomach problems, had a feeding tube, got better, etc.
There was also a dark time in there where I honestly just wanted to die, so I was sent to Crisis Intervention at the emergency room, and then to my fourth hospital.
At this point, I honestly don't know how I feel.
I feel like things have changed so so so much.
I wonder if all of this wouldn't have happened, if things would still be like they are now?
Would my family be smiling if I didn't have to struggle as I do?
Would things be easier on them if I had lived a better life?
Part of the guilt goes back on me, not for being born because that was my parents choice to have a child, but for some of the decisions I've made, the way I've acted, etc.
I think I'm going to have a totally different outlook on life after this post.
I feel myself slipping back into my depression somewhat, and I think this basically confirms it.
Today when my mom came back from work, I barely had the energy to talk to her, and didn't really want to.
When she asked me what was wrong, I basically yelled at her for not leaving me alone when I didn't feel good.
That brought me to, wait, I actually don't feel good, somethings wrong, and I can't put my finger on it.
I guess the answer to that would be: the weather's changing so I'm freezing cold constantly, I have fevers off and on, my stomach is bloated, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm getting depressed.
Part of me is like missing my safe little world where I was extremely sick, but everything seemed ok, because I just had to focus on recovery, on me, and on getting better.
Now it's all about driving, college, starting my life, and all that good stuff.
The thing is, what if I really don't want to do that?
I've learned at this point not to turn to suicide, because I've had numerous lessons in terms of that, and do not wish to take my own life, ever.
All I want, all I really want is that comfort that I had back then, friends, family, love, support.
I by no means want to backslide in terms of my anorexia and/or bulimia.
I just don't know how to find that balance, that balance between having what I had then, but also having my health.
This is honestly breaking my heart right now.
I don't know what to do, or what the heck I'm going to do about this one.
It's almost Thanksgiving, I'm supposed to be thankful, be grateful, be happy.
But I'm not, I can tell myself that I am, but I'm not.
That brings me back to what do I do? Honestly, what do I do?
Call my psychiatrist and ask for an increase in my depression medication?
Tell my therapist next Wednesday how miserable and torturous this is becoming?
But until then, what do I do?
Because honestly all I want to do is lay in bed, not just because I'm sad, but because I don't have the energy to do much of anything.
Tomorrow I'm going with my grandma and grandpa to drop off these boxes for needy kids at this church that's about a half hour away.
I don't want to go, because I hate being crammed in the back seat with a ton of boxes, where I'm getting dizzy and nauseous because of them like last year, but I know this is somehow important to them, so I'm going anyway.
Well, right now I'm drained, so I'm going to do some more intense thinking and go to bed for the night.
I've been trying to put more of my trust in God, so a little prayer might not be a bad idea either.

Livin' On A Prayer

I absolutely love Bon Jovi. But anyway, I chose this song for tonight because, well right now I'm basically at the point where I'm just trying to get through each day the best I can. This is an old song, but defiantly a classic and a great one. This is 'Livin' On A Prayer' by Bon Jovi.

Walking In A Straight Line

Wow, I haven't written here in forever!
I guess I have a lot of catching up to do!
Well right now, I'm on this website designing my own Christmas presents.
How cool is that, right?
After making all of my Hello Kitty cards for my family and friends, my Simon Le Bon fan club tshirt, and David Guetta tshirt, I stumbled upon something else.
There are these two pins, one for Bulimia and one for Anorexia.
They say 'Recover(ed)' and have the ribbon thing on them.
I thought they were pretty awesome, so I put them in my cart (which my mom will go through later).
Then I thought, is it right having two pins about Eating Disorders?
I mean obviously I struggl(ed) with Anorexia and Bulimia, but is it something you want to advertise or whatever?
I mean, I don't want to let my Eating Disorders be my identity, yet they are still a part of me, for better or for worse.
The other question is, am I at a good enough stage to have pins that say recover(ed)?
In my opinion, if I have the will power to put them in the cart and even consider buying them, doesn't that mean I'm at a good point in my recovery?
Either way, I'm buying each of them.
I haven't really gone into much detail as far as my Eating Disorder(s) go, and I promise I won't be triggering or anything, but I guess since I'm on the topic, I can write about it a little.
Well, I have problems with my stomach, like I cannot throw up, no matter how nauseous I am.
I've come to accept that it's just the way my body is.
I mean, it's not just with purging (which I haven't done in almost a year), it's with regular nausea too.
It sounds gross but I can be coughing and gagging, and will never throw up.
Last night, for the first time in, well a year I guess, I threw up.
I didn't purge by any means, which is the other weird part.
Through the process of not being able to throw up, I guess it kind of helped me with my Bulimia too.
If I can't throw up, what's the point in purging?
That was my view in the beginning, but now it has changed.
Now it's more like, I don't want to purge, and even if I wanted to I couldn't, so let's forget about purging.
As far as my Anorexia goes, I don't really know how to explain that aspect of it.
I'm not restricting, I'm not choosing the low fat or low calorie foods.
I do drink a lot of Diet Coke, which is kind of like something I've been doing for the past five years anyway.
I choose diet beverages, but that's about it, I eat basically whatever I want.
I do struggle with digestive problems, so it comes down to me feeling sick more than wanting to restrict.
I get a lot of nausea, bloating, and pain, so that's basically what ends up controlling my appetite at this point.
I eat what I want, what I can, when I can, but food is still sometimes a struggle, in a different way than before tho.
I don't want to lose weight, I don't want to be stick thin, I don't push away food or refuse to eat it, I don't avoid eating at meal times or when I'm hungry, and I don't constantly weigh myself.
I would say that part of me still has that little Eating Disorder voice in the back of my head, but I can manage it.
I also expect that little voice to stay here, but it's whatever at this point.
Something else I just thought of was this.
Someone who goes to my church, I totally forget who, their grandson overdosed on medication, which is something that kind of hits home for me.
I mean, if it wasn't in a better place mentally that could have been me doing that.
Me taking those pills, me being in intensive care, me having my parents and grandparents crying about me, and in the end, me being in that coffin in the front of the church this Wednesday.
Yes, sad to say, he did die.
Which makes me feel horrible, because I hate to hear anything like that.
It makes me so glad that I got the help that I did when I did, and that I was given everything I was given to survive.
I don't get suicidal anymore, really I don't, but sometimes things like that make me think.
I get really scared when I have to take a third anxiety pill on any given day, or even two at a time, I hold the pill in my hand, put it in my mouth, and am still reluctant to swallow.
I do take the pill, which I am allowed to and supposed to do, but it's just that fear.
Like what is this medicine going to do to me?
I get that way too when they raise a dose of my medication, or switch medications on me.
It gets kind of freaky sometimes until I really get used to it.
Well, this was deep compared to my usual daily ramblings.
Right now, I'm going to take my sleeping pills, do something or other until I get sleepy, and go to bed.

Sophie

I know that these are just lyrics, and I know that everyone with an eating disorder has probably heard this song a million times, but that does not decrease the meaning in this song. I feel that tonight I need to share this song. This is 'Sophie' by Eleanor McEvoy.

They Don't Understand It

I was just drinking hot tea and eating ice cream with my mom.
We were talking about things, you know, involving me.
It really makes me think sometimes.
My mom and I always wonder, what if?
Like, what if my life would have gone differently?
At this point I can see that everything that happened has happened for a reason, and has shaped me into who I am today, which I wouldn't change for anything.
Yet still, there's always that question, what if?
What if I would have stopped eating? Never cut myself? Never had depression? Never got anxiety? Never binged? Never purged? Never been suicidal?
I guess that would be like saying, what if I never made a mistake?
I know I'm not perfect, and I know I used to strive for perfection, yet now it seems so futile.
I was all focused on being perfect, and now I'm focused on surviving day to day life.
That's kind of scary to hear.
My mom agrees with me that I was always kind of depressive.
I mean I was a semi-happy child, I had my fun times, but there was just something about me.
Like I remember in elementary school when I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to go to school, so my mom took me to see a doctor and they said I just needed to get more sunlight.
With all I know about psychology now, doesn't something like that signal a spell of depression?
In middle school too, I seemed to be happy, but I don't remember being totally content or anything.
I felt ugly, like an outcast, like I could never compare to anyone else.
I actually remember my teachers loving my friends, and not paying attention to me.
I would strive for that attention, because I would get grades just as good as them, in fact I was probably the better person of the bunch, but I didn't get that attention from them.
I remember this one project I did in high school biology and my friends Lindsey and Dana and I made a video at my house.
Now, Lindsey and Dana are great people, and I still have respect for them, but we used MY camera, MY computer, MY house, MY script, and I even edited the project on my own time when they had to go home.
The catch here is they both got better grades than me.
I feel like I never got attention from teachers, besides one teacher I can think of (in public high school that is).
It was my ninth grade English teacher, and she was amazing.
We had this assignment called 'I come from' and we had to write a poem about it.
I read my poem to the class, which we all had to do, and when I started talking about my eating disorder (which wasn't straightforward or anything) she started to cry.
That was the only paper anyone in that class ever shared that made her cry, so I felt an immediate connection to her.
It was kind of like she understood me through my writing.
I remember writing another story about a girl and her imaginary friend who was perfect and she could never compare (or something along those lines).
When my 'friends' came over for my birthday last year, I had a long talk with my 'friends' Kayla and Sarah about my eating disorder.
They said that everyone noticed I was getting super skinny, and there were rumors going around that I was anorexic.
But they never said anything, not a word.
No one tried to help me at all.
Well, my friend Dana did, she offered to have her mom and her take me to see a doctor, but that didn't really end up happening.
I still to this day thank Dana for that, she was the only one who seemed to want to help.
The others' excuse was 'well we didn't know what to do' but they could have done something, anything, because everyone knew I was dying, but none of them wanted to help.
I hold a strong anger towards those people who stood back and didn't even ask me if I was okay.
How hard is it to ask your best friend if she's okay?
I remember my one friend Tara, who told me she was bulimic.
She had to have known I was struggling, I mean she was there herself.
Now Tara won't even contact me, nor Emily or Matt or Chelsea, the people who were in my section in band.
Neither will anyone in my old band section now that I think about it.
Well that was all Shane's fault, for turning everyone in the percussion section against me.
I don't want to go into details about that on my blog, but I will be totally honest and say almost none of that was my fault.
So, if I was around any of those people right now, and I didn't hold my anger inside of me, they would be getting a punch in the face.
It makes me so angry to think how people gossip about someone being anorexic or bulimic, basically watching them die, and not doing a thing about it.
This world makes me so angry sometimes.

I Run To You

I didn't really have a song for tonight off the top of my head, but when I looked, I found this one. I don't really have much else to say, except that this is 'I Run To You' by Lady Antebellum.

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table with my mom while she corrects her school papers.
I'm drinking 'Candy Cane Lane' hot tea, which is really good.
I was basically miserable earlier, and then I took a nap, and since I woke up I'm doing better.
I went to the mall today with my boyfriend, grandma, and grandpa.
We ended up going to Bath and Body Works to get Christmas lotion and Christmas soap, and Kohl's to finally get my stockings.
They're so cute, with jingle bells and fur at the top, and I love them.
We went to the drug store to get my grandma's medicine.
My grandma was really grumpy, no offence, and it was making me kind of upset.
I guess I can't blame her personally because I know she's in pain and uncomfortable, but still it gets kind of upsetting.
If I would have written this post before, I would have been complaining about how miserable my day was and why me and all that good stuff.
I'm in better spirits now, so I'm trying to focus on the good instead of the bad.
I had a fever a little while ago too, which is also no fun.
My grandpa and I also ordered my pictures (finally, I know) for my photo albums.
Tomorrow I am going somewhere with my dad, since he has off work.
The rest of the week I think I'm going to make Christmas plates that we got and work on my Thanksgiving bags and Christmas stockings.
I know you're probably thinking it's too early for that, but I want to get these things started little by little.
I also had an idea for a small photo book for my family, and possibly make custom ornaments or something.
I don't know why but I love designing stuff now.
I feel like, I don't know, there are so many things I can do like that.
I'm kind of taking a break from my Anatomy, Psychology, Biology, and Trigonometry, because I think I just plain out need a break.
I need to focus on bettering myself at this time and on applying for financial aid and to college.
I was kind of getting mad tonight too because my belly button like swelled up and my ring won't fit in anymore.
I don't know if it's because my belly button is swollen just from me having the ring in, or if I gained weight.
I know I gained weight since this Summer, and didn't really mind.
Now it's kind of discouraging because I have to let my holes grow closed, at least until the swelling goes down.
I am determined, however, not to let this stop me, because I can always get it done again next year if I really want to.
My stomach has been settling down, thank goodness.
I still can't eat a lot a lot, but I was able to eat three meals and two snacks today.
I just get extremely bloated and uncomfortable, but not much nausea anymore.
I'm thankful for the no nausea part.
As far as the fatigue goes, it's just doing okay.
I think I just needed sleep to get me feeling better.
So since I slept earlier, needless to say I'm wide awake now.
I'm going to stay up a little later yet, but sleep when I get tired for sure.
Basically right now, I'm realizing that I do need to look past the bad things, and I can get through this, because I am stronger than I think.
I mean I only have to see my psychiatrist every three months and therapist every two to three weeks, which is awesome.
I still see my other doctors, like all of them in the next two months, but it's okay with me.
Not saying I love going to the doctor's, but they help me out so much, like I'm so thankful for my treatment team.
Oh, and I did get a new gastroenterologist in my hometown, instead of at the big hospital far away.
I just have to call and schedule with them.
I just scheduled with dermatology finally and I see them in January.
I have this pimply rash on my back, stomach, arms, and chest, which is really something I'm self-conscious about.
I haven't been hot and itchy in awhile, but sometimes I get very itchy skin too.
They have me on prescription antihistamines for that and I was actually able to get off of them.
I take them as needed, which feels good because it's one less pill.
I'm taking my stomach medicine as I was before at this point so I am feeling better in terms of reflux and spasms.
It's just this feeling of fullness and discomfort, so I can't really complain.
I guess so is life, as long as I'm managing, I'd say I'm doing just fine.

Straight Lines

Daniel Johns, the singer from this band, is truly an inspiration to me. He suffered from Anorexia in the past, while being in a band no less, and has since recovered (or at least is in a better place than he was, because who am I to talk, I don't know the guy personally). I like to play this song really loud some nights because I get into it so much. I feel like I can relate to it, with being sick and all with other health issues. Daniel Johns also has some form of arthritis I believe? Well this song is one of my favorites ever. This is 'Staight Lines' by Silverchair.

Been A Long Time But I'm Back In Town

I'm getting into the Christmas spirit with (hopefully) getting my Christmas stockings soon!
I went to Target today with my mom, after church and lunch with my family.
We were looking for stockings, but there weren't any out there yet at that store.
I found some on the Internet and some at Kohl's, so hopefully I will get them sometime soon.
My mom and I are also making pre-Christmas / Thanksgiving bags, so we got bags and stickers and cute Christmas bows so we can decorate them this week.
I got some stuff for my stockings already!
Basically, if you didn't figure it out, I love filling stockings.
This year I have twelve, yes twelve, to fill, and everyone thinks I'm crazy.
It does seem like a lot, but I don't see myself cutting anyone off of my list.
I need one for: mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, another aunt, other grandma, other grandpa, boyfriend, two friends, and myself.
It may sound conceited but I love the little things I buy so I want to keep some of the stuff for myself so I can remember the holiday and stuff.
I don't go and buy everyone something different, I just buy little things and divide them, or rather my mom and grandpa help with that.
So this ends the weekend.
I have to call my regular doctor to talk to him and check in tomorrow, schedule with psychiatry, set up an appointment with dermatology (which I have been putting off for months), and try to find a new gastroenterologist.
And if I do find a new gastroenterologist, I have to call and tell my old doctors good bye.
It's kind of sad, because Dr. S was a really good doctor, and I grew to like him.
But if I think about it, he was kind of mean to me, like how he wrote on my medical form I needed my feeding tube for Anorexia, when clearly I was recovering at that point.
I'm not just saying that either, I honestly was having terrible acid reflux, and was trying to eat but couldn't, and he knew that.
Of course that messed up insurance and all that good stuff.
So I guess I'm better off without him anyway.
And this new lady? She is so ridiculous and mean. We're done.
So tomorrow will be filled with phone calls, and maybe I will start decorating my holiday plates that I got on Friday at the craft store.
Otherwise, I'm still working on those darn photo books, and making up my mind with them and the stockings.
Like which I want now, if I should even order both, or what I should do.
This week I'm hoping to go to Bath and Body Works to get their Christmas lotions (since there buy three get three free and I have coupons!) and the card store to look for stuff.
I'm still doing pretty good with my mood and everything.
My stomach is getting full really easily again.
I wasn't able to eat very much today, but I'm still doing okay I guess.
I had to take nausea medicine for the first time in a few days tonight.
I'm feeling okay with my stomach tonight, but I'm still not hungry.
I ate dinner later, so I don't know if I should be having a snack or not.
Well actually I do know the answer, I probably should.
But my stomach can't handle it at this point, so I think that's a good enough excuse, if there ever was a good one.
I'm getting that queasy, bloated feeling right now too.
It's kind of uncomfortable, but I will be fine.
I will survive, I will survive.

Makes Me Wonder

I rediscovered this song last night, and I fell in love with it. I couldn't post last night because I had major writer's block. So tonight, I had to share this very song. I don't know if they swear or not in this version, and I apologize if they do. I'm not really like that. But the song is so, inspiring, in a weird way. At least in my opinion. This is 'Makes Me Wonder' by Maroon 5.

Cheers To The Freaking Weekend

I have a plate of rainbow goldfish crackers in front of me, a diet coke, my music, my phone, and my pink laptop, so I'm pretty much content.
I went out to lunch today with my friends Ashley and Raymond and then we walked into a few stores.
Then Ashley and I went Christmas shopping at the mall and got iced coffee.
I wish my boyfriend could have come with us, but we still had a good time.
I guess he can find out by reading this, but we're all four finding a time to see the Harold and Kumar Christmas movie.
I love love love the Harold and Kumar go to White Castle movie, it is so hilarious, and is in fact probably one of my favorite movies.
I was watching TV the other night, which is a rare occasion because I barely ever watch TV, and I saw the advertisement and I like screamed.
I was like 'oh my gosh' and I realized that I have to have to have to see this movie.
So anyway we're all going to go see that movie.
Then we decided we might all go Black Friday shopping, like early in the morning with the crowds.
I never did that before in my life, so I think it will be pretty fun.
I'm thinking we should go shopping and then crash at my house that whole day.
But anyway, I'm getting really excited for the holiday season.
I got a pink Christmas tree with a Hello Kitty ornament for the top, and a silver Christmas tree with a Diet Coke ornament for the top.
My trade mark thing to do at Christmas is to buy adorable stockings and stuff them for my family and close friends.
I'm working on it already, which is so fun, because I love picking out little things for them.
I went to the craft store with my grandma and grandpa on Friday and got these adorable plates and Christmas stuff to glue on them, like these gingerbread men and snowmen, and bows, and glitter.
I can't wait to make them because I'm sure they will be adorable.
I love doing crafts too.
Tomorrow I'm actually going to try to go to church, because I'm feeling pretty much better that I have before.
I was having some stomach problems around dinner time.
My stomach was really bloated, and I thought I gained weight.
Which doesn't really matter if I did because I'm not weighing myself anymore.
But I guess I'm just bloated, and it's kind of uncomfortable.
I took some nausea medicine and my IBS medicine, and now I'm feeling somewhat better.
I was just exhausted earlier, so I took two naps, which is not my idea of fun.
I guess I need my sleep though, and we get an extra hour of sleep tonight, so I'm down with that.
I'm going to stay awake for awhile because I found it's futile to try to sleep when I'm not tired.
I end up just listening to music with my eyes wide open and sometimes that makes my mind race, which isn't good.
So, it's Saturday night, and I'm just chilling at home, and that's alright with me.
Usually I would be like 'oh my gosh, why can't I be out partying or doing something, anything' but I'm pretty much content now.
I've been hanging out with my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my boyfriend, and my friends more lately.
I used to be a little more wild in my high school years.
And for tonight, we will leave it at that.

Teenage Dream

I was saving this song for just the right night, and I believe that tonight is the night. Enough said. This is 'Teenage Dream' by Katy Perry.

We Found Love

So, I'm talking to my boyfriend right now.
And I was just joking around, until we got on the topic of me getting a ring.
And he was actually serious about it.
I was like, in shock, because, I don't even know.
I mean I know if we're going to stay together he has to get me something like that eventually.
It's just like, wow, this is happening?
He says he already has everything planned out.
He's taking me out to dinner and then 'buying me something special' but we were actually talking rings, so I don't know where this is going to go.
And he said very very soon.
So I'm like, ecstatic, because he's like the best boyfriend.
Not just because of that of course, but in basically every way possible.
I honestly love spending every minute with him that I do, and he's so supportive of everything, and sweet, and cute, and nice, and I could go on but I think you get the picture.
I had therapy tonight, and she said that mood wise I'm doing really good too.
I don't know, it just feels like, I'm at a different place in life.
I just got rid of all of my eating disorder/sick clothes that were hanging in the back of my closet (along with many others that just didn't go with my attitude anymore).
I also got rid of tons of my childhood junk that I stored in my closet and don't really need, to make room for my new stuff.
I feel like with each day I'm growing stronger.
My stomach is getting better, my mood is good, and I know what I need to do to keep my body healthy.
I have a totally different color of hair now, and am taking pride in doing the total girl thing, putting on my make up, straightening my hair, picking out my clothes, actually picking up my bedroom, etc.
I feel like, even though half the time I'm in a daze, my personality is back to the 'good Jenna' one.
I feel strong, like I actually have power over things.
I can tell my eating disorder to back off, and that's somewhere I've never been.
I can tell my depression that 'things will get better' and my anxiety that 'things will be okay'.
I am able to reason with myself over stupid things that I come up with when I take my sleeping pills.
I don't like writing about how good I'm doing, honestly, because something always comes crashing down.
I'm just putting my faith in God and hoping that it doesn't happen this time.
Plus it's the holiday season, well almost, and I love this time of year.
I know I should probably be overwhelmed with with applying to college, and not knowing where my future is going, but I feel like now I am able to guide it better.
I found pictures of my old friends hiding in my closet, and was able to throw them in my 'get rid of' bin.
I have pictures of my mom and dad and my boyfriend hanging in my bedroom right now, along with my 'Keep Calm and Carry On' picture.
I'm working on adding new pictures too, and guess who they're going to be of?
My family and my true friends!
I'm excited to hopefully go to Panera for breakfast on Saturday with my best friends Ashley and Raymond and then hang out with my boyfriend and Ashley.
I'm also excited because tomorrow is Friday, which means the weekend.
I'm going to call my doctor and show him how there's a difference like night and day.
But it isn't the difference the stupid doctor promised with 'the perfect diet'.
There is no such thing as the freaking perfect diet.
But what I can do that makes a difference is focus on the positives, take my medication, eat according to my body, stay hydrated, and work on being comfortable in my skin.
Then maybe I could go to the store with my grandparents (we were thinking about it) to get some Christmas and holiday craft stuff.
Ah, I don't know, I'm in a good mood, which is usually a rare occurrence for me.
I'm usually in this, whatever attitude, but it feels good to feel better than normal for once.
I actually have things in my life that I never once dreamed of, but that make me happy, and that's what matters right now.

Over It

Such a great song, with such a powerful message. I'm learning in life that sometimes, you just have to get over things and move on. You can change things in your life, because you're living in your body, and no one can take your power of individuality away from you. This is called 'Over It' by Katherine McPhee.

I Will Never Be The Same

Today, I had basically a total physical and personal make-over.
I woke up, and I felt so uncomfortable in my skin.
I tried on like a million outfits, and did my hair a million ways.
I ended up washing my hair at the sink and putting a ton of surf cream and hair gel in my hair.
I grabbed a pair of boots, a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch, and my skinny jeans, and called my grandma.
My grandpa was waiting for me, but it's kind of a girl thing, and I needed to talk to someone who understood.
I told her how I was feeling terrible, inside and out, and wondered if we could go to the mall.
Shopping is like therapy for me, no lie.
My boyfriend was going to come with us too (we were all planning on going to the mall or the craft store and out to lunch anyway).
She understood and said that it was fine.
I was still feeling somewhat uncomfortable in my skin.
I get this way sometimes, like, I can't stand my clothes, I feel hideous, nothing fits right, etc.
And I know the solution isn't to go spend a fortune at the mall, but I kind of have the exceause that my clothes don't fit right because of my weight going all over the place.
Plus I love clothes, and the styles change.
I have some clothes from five years ago because at times I get to that size again.
We went out for lunch, and I actually ate a normal sized lunch and had a coke zero.
It felt so good to be able to eat, without any stomach medicine besides a nausea pill.
I couldn't eat dessert because I didn't want to press my luck, but we went for a snack later anyway.
My grandma got me a dress, two sweaters, a skirt, a scarf, and a necklace, and for that I am extremely thankful.
Then she and my grandpa came over and my grandma helped me to get rid of those clothes from five years ago, the clothes that are too small, the clothes that are too big, and it felt so good.
I have a box full of clothes that I just want out of my closet, for obvious reasons.
When my mom came home, she took me to get my hair done too, which I am also grateful for.
My hair looks so cute, too.
It's dark brown with brown/red foil highlights and it's layered more and a little shorter.
I love it.
I feel like this is part of eating disorder recovery too, even if it sounds a little twisted.
When I was in treatment, we talked about getting rid of our 'sick clothes' and I feel like I can finally do that.
I am not my eating disorder, I am not my feeding tube, etc.
So therefore I don't want to look like I did at that time.
It's kind of like a moving on with life strategy for me.
And for awhile I've been feeling like I just don't care how I look.
Like I just want to hide, put my hair back, and move on with feeling miserable.
I want to actually take pride in looking the best I can, feeling the best I can, and having my attitude reflect it.
I'm actually drinking apple juice right now, and debating if I want to eat something too.
I decided that I'm done with that stupid diet.
I mean, why should I listen to what that lady says when she won't even talk to me?
So I decided I'm no longer her patient, and I'm going to listen to my other doctors who do care about me.
I have wonderful doctors, like Dr. K, and specialists, like Dr. R, and a good psychiatrist, Dr. B.
Why should I have to worry about them when they obviously don't want to help me?
Honestly, I was better off on my IBS medicine and eating whatever I wanted, rather than off my IBS medicine and eating all this low fat stuff.
So my doctor let me temporarily be back on my IBS medicine, and I'm just eating.
I'm getting incredibly bloated, but it doesn't really matter, because I'm by no means nauseous, or feeling like I can't eat.
I feel like I can eat, in moderation of course, but I can eat.
Who needs them anyway?
I know my body better than anyone, so I need to give it what it needs to survive.

Just A Little Bit

This music video is obviously about an Eating Disorder, but that's not the only reason why I chose it. It is an extremely powerful song, and it talks about needing just a little bit more to get there, and also about feeling betrayed, discouraged, whatever you want to call it. This is 'Just A Little Bit' by Maria Mena.

So Listen Close

To say I am angry with two of my doctors is an understatement.
To say I am furious with two of my doctors is getting closer.
When I was discharged from the emergency room, I was told to call GI to ask about switching gastroparesis medication.
It even says it on my discharge papers, so I have proof.
I am transitioning from Dr. S, pediatric GI, to Dr. B, adult GI, so I straight out asked the doctor in the emergency room which one I should call.
We agreed that I should call Dr. S because even though I'm transitioning away from him, he still knows about me more than Dr. B, who I saw once.
So I called Dr. S and left a message about what the emergency room doctors said.
The nurse took the message and sent Dr. S the message via e-mail.
I got a call from the clinic, and was like, okay, it's Dr. S calling to help me.
But of course not, it was the nurse again.
Dr. S refuses to speak with me about my medication because I am no longer his patient.
Wait, now if I'm no longer his patient, then why am I seeing him in January? and why am I supposed to talk to him, according to the emergency room doctors, who, yes, are also doctors.
Isn't he technically still my doctor? or did he just decide to drop me?
I told the nurse that the doctor said to call and talk to Dr. S because he knows me, but that got me nowhere.
She said she was going to transfer me to the hospital operator, and that I should ask for adult GI and talk to Dr. B.
So I was slightly annoyed, but decided I would just leave a message for Dr. B.
Well her nurse is honestly the meanest nurse I have ever met in my life.
She was telling me how Dr. B wouldn't even talk to me unless I faxed over my medical records from the emergency room.
Wait now, I've been going to this hospital's clinics for years, and they never, ever needed my records.
They should trust me, shouldn't they?
I mean the doctors in the emergency room didn't send them copies, because it's actually not their concern, it's my medical doctor, Dr. K, it's his concern.
I don't want some lady I met once in my life, and don't particularly care for at that point, going through my information, analyzing me, not believing me, etc.
I told them no, and they said, well I could go get copies of them and bring them up at my next appointment.
Wait again, my next appointment is in April, and this is November, and I'm really sick.
They. Don't. Understand. At. All.
I was so angry, I just wrote down the fax number, and threw it away five minutes later.
Who are they to boss me around when all I want is to ask a question!?
I just need to know if I can up the dose of my gastroparesis medication because for goodness sakes I'm terribly uncomfortable!
But no, I need records faxed, before I can ask if I can change medication?
Shouldn't they believe me that I'm not having success with my medication?
I mean why the heck else would I want to change it?
I've never been medicine seeking or abusing, nothing like that.
So why won't they let me talk to a freaking doctor?
Don't they trust me? Apparently not.
I mean, I'm just, you know, terribly uncomfortable, and barely able to eat, no big deal, right.
Well apparently it's no big deal to them.
Yet it's a big deal to Dr. S when I lose weight, unintentionally, and he can call me anorexic and admit me to the hospital for a feeding tube.
When I saw that on the bill from insurance, I was furious that he would call me anorexic when I wasn't even trying to lose weight.
My stomach could not handle food, just like it can't now.
Another thing is Dr. B took me off of my IBS medicine 'because it was working well'.
Well, that's the stupidest excuse I have ever heard in my life.
I got permission earlier from my other specialist Dr. R, to go back on my IBS medicine temporarily, meaning until I can talk to GI.
Well, I can't even talk to GI, because they won't talk to me!
I never heard of something so stupid in my life.
I freaking need their help and they won't talk to me?
What the heck did I ever do to them?
I'm basically living off of medicine for acid, nausea, pain, spasms, and my stomach.
And they don't care that I'm miserable and taking all this medication?
I mean what the heck is all of this doing to my digestive system? what is it doing to my body?
My regular doctor, Dr. K, is off today, so I'm to call him tomorrow.
He is honestly an amazing doctor, a truly amazing doctor, but he doesn't feel comfortable playing around with my stomach medication usually, which is why I was sent to a GI specialist.
Who do I turn to?
Two doctors won't help me.
One doctor is in meetings for the rest of the week.
And my last resort, Dr. K, most likely won't be able to do anything, because, gosh I don't even know if he's legally allowed to.
This is freaking ridiculous.
I am switching GI doctors as soon as I get in contact with Dr. K or Dr. R again, and seeing if I can get one somewhere closer to home, or at another hospital.
One side note, when I was first referred somewhere for my anorexia, I went to this same hospital.
I literally had to pull myself out of the program because they were making me worse, defiantly not better.

I'm done, I'm so done with them, screw it, they're gone.
There go two stomach doctors, and one me with a messed up digestive system.
What the freaking heck do I do at this point?
God only knows.